Sorry, if itís messy but I was quite emotional when I typed this up.
Itís been about 10 years that Iíve been suffering with this depression and Iím turning 25 soon, I still donít have my life together. Iíve asked for help many times from different people and professionals, they all tell me the same generic things. Eventually, it became harder for me to even ask for help. It feels like I am just a burden, like my problem is so trivial why should they bother helping me? I never had any traumatic experiences with anything or anyone, so I never really understand why? I know why but that reason doesnít seem justifiable to me, my head just seem to not want to accept that reason. I always ask and tell myself ďWhy do you feel this way?Ē ďnothing horrific has ever happened to you, you have a family that loves you. Why canít you just be grateful with what you have?Ē. I have built this wall of self-hate, itís so big now I donít know what to do with it. Itís consuming me, Iím losing in this battle. The love I donít have for myself I crave from others. I became dependable on other peopleís affection without it that voice in my head just gets out of control. ďNo one truly likes you, you donít even like you. Pathetic.Ē I grew up with Asian parents they believe that there is nothing wrong with me. I took them to a counsellor but even then, they donít believe it. Itís mainly because they believe that only people with traumatic experiences or abusive families can get depression. They are also constantly reminding me that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth so, I shouldnít be feeling this way, there is no reason to. Friends eventually gave up on me. People started to drift. No one ever really stayed. I am surrounded by people yet I am alone. Alone because if I didnít say anything or initiated anything nothing would be done, nothing would happen. But when someone else is missing or doesnít initiate in the group everyone notices. I feel like I am non-existent, Iím not important in any shape of form. It doesnít matter whether or not I am there. My voice, me as a person doesnít matter. I feel like I am a waste of space, a waste of time, a waste of whatever else you can think of. I do try to fit in, I really do, but when I stop just that one time, in hopes that someone would give me the TLC I gave themÖbecause of that one time that I stayed silent everything went back to square one. This may sound stupid but I rather be going through hell with someone I know that will be there for me and I from him/her/them rather than being surrounded by people who takes me for granted and makes me feel alone. I just want that one person, just one who would want to be with me for me, my flaws and all. I have had suicidal thoughts but I know that I am too much of a coward to actually do it.
I thought by moving to another country would help me find my way to getting better. The first two months I was okay however the recent two not so much. Iíve only been here for 4 months, I moved from Australia to Japan for work. Itís more like a temporary job since my contract is only two years as an assistant language teacher. This was very challenging for me, it was my first moving and living in another country, closest thing to a proper job, I dislike public speaking but decided to challenge that. I made new friends and met new people but they too also are starting to drift. I asked them for help too but they seem to just brush it off with not-so-willing helping hand. Itís like you can talk to me anytime but really donít talk to me anytime. I took a big leap out of my comfort zone and yet nothing much has changed. That vicious cycle that I want to escape still haunts me. What do I do? What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time out to read the snippet of my life. Even now I feel like my problem is just a burden to you all.
(This is the first forum I ever posted about anything. I am very new to the community >.<)