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What can I do?

This is a discussion on What can I do? within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I'm currently at university (2nd year) but want to drop out/im going to fail I'm not going to go into ...

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Old 04-13-17, 10:51 PM   #1
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I'm currently at university (2nd year) but want to drop out/im going to fail I'm not going to go into too much detail but my life has been shit recently. I've got good parents and SOME friends who i see on occasion but I'm just sick of living; every day at uni was filled with crushing loneliness - I didn't make any friends on my course during first year (not for lack of trying) so all I can do is watch everybody else chat away like they do while sit on my own and resent them all. All i have are my cigarettes. As such whenever I bother going to uni I don't say a single word to anybody all day until I get home to my housemate who I consider to be my best friend. The loneliness got so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed anymore, I just stayed there all day staring at the ceiling. This has destroyed my progress in uni and now I just feel indifferent about everything, even the fact that I'm going to be a drop out in a few months. I really don't enjoy anything any more and don't see what life can offer me which would actually make me want to live more of it. I'd kill myself if I wasn't so afraid of the pain; sometimes i slightly wish that something sudden and painless would end it all - like a terrible accident etc. I think i just need an actual purpose to distract me from this. I went to uni to become a history teacher so I could help kids who didn't have the best start in life. But since that has gone up in flames, I just don't know. I just regret my life, i always have, even as a kid. Im terrified of the monotony of life and the inevitable loneliness im going to face, no matter how hard I try to make friends. I've got some friends in Essex (uni) who ill probably never see again after leaving and no friends at home (Wales). I feel trapped in my own life, can anybody offer any advice or anything? Im sick of feeling like this and need to find something that'll make life worth living again. Sorry for the novel, it's just hard to articulate this stuff.

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Old 04-17-17, 03:56 AM   #2
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I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through and feeling.. I struggled like hell to get through college. I went through a 7 month technical course, got all the way to the end, and decided that the instructor I took the course with ill prepared me to pass my final skills and written exam for the course and I didn't feel right trying to fake my way into getting approved to sit for my state boards.. I showed up the morning of our final skills test, went to the director of the program, and requested to drop the course.. I was heartbroken and honestly didn't know if I was making the right choice.. I walked away and focused on other things for a few weeks.. Well the program director got in touch with me and told me she would like to bring me into her second quarter class free of charge and she would be willing to put me through the program and finagle whatever she needed to because I always busted my ass and went above and beyond what I needed to as far as participation and group activities and assignments.. I went back through the second quarter and I won't lie.. I struggled like hell but I met a few instructors who I really wasn't crazy about during the first few weeks of the initial 7 months, who I realized only wanted the best not only for me, but for every student who took time out of their schedules to help me prepare myself for the final exams and to get me back through the second quarter.. I didn't really feel like I had very many friends in either of the classes I went through and I really only walked away from it making 4 good friends.. I moved back home to FL from NE a little more than a year ago and left the few friends I made up there behind.. I'm sad the say that 3 of the 4 don't really bother with me and don't really talk to me much... However I made 1 friend who I credit for helping me make it to the end of the course the first time. I went through school with him, was on a volunteer fire dept with him for awhile, and even now that we're 2,000 miles apart, we talk all the time. He'll shoot me a message on Facebook, I'll message him. We'll text. I'm not a sociable person in the least and I HATE when people say this to me.. But give your class a second look.. I know you said you've made some good friends in the course.. Make sure you keep developing those friendships because even if you have to walk away and return at a later date like I did or walk away and pursue something entirely different like I'm currently doing, it never hurts to keep in contact with some solid friends.. Like I said, I moved back home 2,000 miles away.. He's moving back home to Colorado in the next year or 2.. But we make it a point to keep in contact.

Sorry to ramble on you.. but in my advice, I'd say if you feel you need to walk away and re-evaluate things.. As hard as it is (trust me I know all to well) then walk away and re-evaluate things and figure out your next move.. If you walk away and the friends you've made are planning on moving away after graduation in the near future make sure you have up to date contact info.. Make sure you have their current cell #'s and as much as I DESPISE Facebook, If you have it, Look them up.. I attribute Facebook and texting to my friendship surviving as well as it has.
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