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Trying to heal, from life...

This is a discussion on Trying to heal, from life... within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I've made many mistakes, done thing's incorrectly & trusted the wrong people. I've hurt some, made other's upset & I'm ...

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Old 04-16-20, 09:26 AM   #2581
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Default Learning & Moving Onwards...

I've made many mistakes, done thing's incorrectly & trusted the wrong people. I've hurt some, made other's upset & I'm sure I've said words I didn't mean. I've been made to suffer for a life I didn't ask for, just because someone else's life meant more than my own. I've found out, thing's about my own father, that NO child should have to find out; ever. The pain, heartaches, disappointment's, the up's/down's & people that "rolled" in/out of my life is a hard hill to keep climbing back up...again & again.

It all comes down to who "looks at you" when you look into a mirror. I feel much remorse for not being able to do many thing's when I should have been able to do it for myself. I've had to "beg & borrow" from people that needed it more than myself, yet I felt I needed it more at that particular time. I now see, truly, how much MORE people suffer than myself. It pains me to know, that I could have done better, but failed (miserably) to do what they needed me to. I got selfish & only saw my own "tunnel vision" through my own eye's. It hurts, deeply, knowing that I've lost many TRUE friend's because of my own selfish needs/wants at the time; many year's ago.

Time teaches people many thing's. In my case, it has taught me so much more than I could have every dreamt of. I've tired to give back, many kindnesses that were given to me, at point's in my life, where other's gave to me & helped me out. I've tired to learn, grow, understand & realize that we ALL are suffering. Some are just better at covering it up than I've ever been. I have been forced to accept much & many thing's that I can not, will not & will be forever stuck with; until my time comes.

People only understand their own needs/wants/desires at the time they hit rock bottom. I've learned, the extreme hard ways, exactly how special people are. Not only them, but how unique & special I am as the "whole part of the puzzle" comes together. We're all like pieces in that puzzle. Sometimes we "fit" together & make a good fit. Other time's, we need to "be moved around, twisted, & flipped a few different ways" to find that "fit" we're looking for. Sometimes it's as simple as just being needed, accepted & cared/loved for who(m) we are; at our own cores. Sure, we all have our "corks" about us, but that's what makes us so special & unique. No two people are ever the same; even twin's aren't. They might look the same, when you glace at them, but inside or even outside, there's unique differences that make them who(m) they are.

I need to "remove" the past from my life. I have slowly started with being able to "move forward/onwards" from my own father. He's done nothing but hurt me, damage my own self image & made me feel (like always) I have NEVER been important to him; nor will I ever be. People like that, I've always been "a magnet" and attracted them. I've painfully learned, that with him, like many other's I've (personally) encountered within my life, that they are NOT going to get me to the "path" where I should or need to be. Their own (personal) agenda's are what's in their sight's. It's not who they will "run over" to get to their own needs or wants. They will run you over, simply as you walking out a doorway. They are toxic individual's & they will take you down their "path" of toxicity with them. You will certainly fall into it that pit.

I've learned through much of my own life, that having faith, believing & knowing thing's happen for a (learning/teaching) reason(s) is how life is; at least for myself. Other's need to find either own path & pave their own way(s). I used to be a serious gambler & tossed all my money, wishes & prayer's into a machine. It never "paid" off. It left me broken, broke, with nothing to live for & no one at my side. I've had to "beat" that demon time & time again. It never goes away nor will it ever. I've had to be stronger & it's now (finally) paying off. Yes, it's taken much from me, but I refuse to lay down & just let it happen.

It takes many men/women to build something. It only takes ONE person to believe in themselves to build it, climb it & achieve what they never thought they could!
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Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Last edited by Aries; 04-16-20 at 09:30 AM.
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Old 04-17-20, 04:25 AM   #2582
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Default Might Trigger...Caution

It's the wee hours of the morning & I'm up/running again. I just can't seem to get my life in the order(s) I want it to;ever. I struggle, daily with what's going on with my own daughter & the 5 small grandchildren I have. She's in the middle of a divorce, with a (serious) narcissistic, soon to be X husband. I've ran into a older one, but never one at such a younger age. He does "boggle" my mind, as to how he "reason's" thing's away or justifies what he's doing to his children. The blame's ALL on my daughter & never upon himself. I do personally do not understand that thinking/thought process? I mean, he hasn't seen his children in week's, tells her he's so broke & more excuses.

That brings up him being an adulterer as well. He's been caught at a hotel room, by my daughter on more than several occasions. He, however, only knows of the one time. He' been sleeping with his X girlfriend, the one before he married my daughter. She was also informed, that there was another female with them as well. To me, when you're married you do NOT go around doing unwise thing's like that. I seriously struggle to understand what goes on in that boy's mind. I think that's what I believe he truly is... a boy! He's not a man that owns up to his responsibilities with his children. He's a boy that is "dipping his wick" in anything he wants, thinking he's single & as stated above he's still married; legally. He buying vehicle's for himself, yet barking at her for money, because he claims he's broke. They have a family attorney, so I have NO doubt(s) that he's (seriously) NOT paying for him OR at an extremely discounted rate.

All of this makes my head hurt, my heart break (for my grandchildren) & make me not understand why he's so passive about his children. To me, he hired an attorney to makes sure, since he's already paying child support for another one he had, when he was about 15 year's of age, that he doesn't have to lose his assets paying for what he wanted. It's always about him, his needs, his wants, or his demands. He never offers to take the kid's, never offers to see if they're in need of anything & doesn't care of the (massive) heartbreaks he's causing them to endure. It's so hard, watching the tear's fall down & not being able to (truly) comfort the oldest one. It's even harder when I told my daughter NOT to marry him & yet she didn't listen; yet again. That saying is right...some time's mother knows best. This will be the 3rd relationship that she's been "trampled" upon & I warned her not to "go with it." She's almost 30 year's old now. I can only advise her for so long. Yet I will have to pick up the pieces, like I have been with them all & just do the best I can. It's exhausting every day & I'm not as young as I used to be.

That brings me to health issues. I can't keep my "motor running" like this much longer. I'm in need of a rest. However, due to the above circumstances, that's nothing I see happening any time soon. Child custody hearing's in a few months & hopefully the judge will grant her the divorce at that time as well. I just pray that she "clean him out" when it's all said & done. He's done absolutely nothing for those poor children, but put them through more heartbreaks than ever.

For myself, all I can do is be thankful. Thankful for another day, another breath & thankful that I'm still here. Some day I won't be. That's the only thing that I have to (constantly) contend with. For some unknown reason(s), death has always scared me, even when I was very young. While I've gotten a bit better, over the year's & being able to deal/accept that aspect of life, it still makes me uneasy to deal with it. I think it's because I lost a dear friend of mine to suicide when I was extremely younger. It took a tremendous toll upon me. To this day, I still remember that night & her. That's a long time to miss someone. My hope is that people understand the deep & sincere loss it causes an individual. No one should have to feel that ending their own life is the only option. There's always more, positive, better & helpful people willing to help another out. More so than every these day's.

Well, time to get thing's "rollin" with my day. I hope this one is good one. It already started out good...I'm here still & grateful to God I am. I keep praying for this world to heal & hope we will.
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Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

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Old 04-20-20, 10:11 AM   #2583
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Default Just A Thought...(Could Trigger)

Is life just one, big unknown message, that you're supposed to just guess at? Why do thing's seem to come in "riddles?" What I mean is this. You're supposed to know, what you want, who(m) you are, what you want to accomplish in life, who are going to be your *real* friend's & so much more I can't even begin to mention. Then, religion comes into that mindset of yours. There's so many one's, who knows what's really the "right fit" for you & what's within your life? Then comes the advice or "instructions" as I refer to them, from many different types of people you encounter within your lifetime. They start with your parent's & then it becomes a bigger/larger amount as time moves forward. With that, also comes the daunting task(s) of which paths to travel or door's to choose to go down?


The "message" to me, my thinking here only, is that you never know what's the right one? It's like taking a test with multiple choice answers, yet they all could be the right answer! The biggest "message" to me, is what am I trying to be told, taught, or learn my lesson from? I make one choice, it backfires upon me. I make another choice & that one too, also backfires on me. You do thing's out of (sheer) kindness & that's thrown back into your face. You love, care & respect people that mean the most to you. What happens? They leave you, they abandoned you, or they just hurt you; further.


What's the "message's" in life that we miss? Is it that we're all supposed to be getting along, helping one another, being kind/thoughtful & sincere? I mean, seriously here. Do people, in whole, genuinely care, appreciate & love other people? If that was the case, people wouldn't make the choices/decisions they make. They take other's away from their families, friend's or loved one's. The hurt each other with their "tunnel visions" of how thing's should be & there's absolutely no acceptations. Then it's what God to worship IF you even worship him at all? There's also the choices of other religions or having none. My thinking here only is this. We all have "message's" we're "sent" or made to choose; daily. Do you get up? Brush your teeth? Make your bed? I'm sure you get the gist of what I'm saying. When it comes to people, even ourselves, making "message's" for other people, what are (exactly) we trying to say? Is it "okay" to be alone, isolated or treated differently for many factors that we already currently deal with? Is it "okay" to be a bully & continue that within your life, hurting other's along your path? Is it okay to give everything away that you have, knowing some day that you'll be in need & no one will return your kindness; ever? Is it okay to break people's heart's or their spirit with no remorse?


While these are just thoughts that 'spin' some times with me, I truly wonder IF what we're experiencing now IS our "wake-up" call? It's time to remember that WE ALL live on this planet. We ALL need to take care of it, ourselves, one another & our older/younger generations. We need to live, be happy, be loving, be kind, be thoughtful & ALL THE WONDERFUL thing's that make humans special/unique! My one thought is...when will it happen;in it's entirety? That to me, right there, is the biggest question of our life. I hope, before it's too late, we can 'answer' it.
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Old 04-22-20, 08:55 AM   #2584
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Default Tough Times....Strongly Cautioned!

As I sit & "watch" what's happening in our world, lives & families, I just am amazed at my grandchildren's father. The utter distain I have for him. I never thought I could feel that way towards another. The sheer depths of how much I loath him, the sights of him(in the past), even his name makes me enraged & the fact I'm "watching" my grandchildren suffering, because of him/his choices is just "eating away at me." As of this week, it'll be ONE whole month since he's seen, taken or even called them! He's too busy, taking care of himself to concern himself with his own children. I do NOT understand WHY sex is MORE important to him, than being a good, kind & loving father with his children? Yes, sex is ALL that matters to him, besides money.
So, the next thing is this. He will blame my daughter, because he's an extreme narcissist. He's NOT divorced or even legally separated, yet my daughter busted him (weeks ago) with another female (old flame) in a hotel room. He didn't have the courage of HIS own conviction(s) to come out & face her. He hid behind the door & told her that she was just a friend. I truly wonder, how many people would "buy that line?" I know I didn't & I refuse to believe it! I know his shady side & it's very dark. While I will admit, I do NOT completely understand what a narcissist, does, thinks, feels, believes, etc... he sure makes me see the lies. I can't believe him, don't believe him & would never believe him IF my own life depended on him saving me. I'd be better off on my own!
What really hurts me, is looking that those innocent face's. The tear-swelling, sad face, the head bowed down & it keep on. The most painful thing is, when I'm asked, "why doesn't dad come & see me?" The ONLY thing I can (truly) say, as even that hurts ME to say is, "your dad made a choice dear, while it's not your fault, I know how deeply it hurts you. You have mom & grandma, plus grandpa (my daughter's father) that love you, care about you & are here for you; always." Looking into a 5 year's old blue eye's & saying that, is like watching a title wave of water coming at you & you know you can't stop it.
It's so painful to watch them suffer, every day, for week's on end. Crying in the morning, because they miss him (well, the older one does & periodically the 2nd oldest does) & they think/feel/believe it's some how their fault(s) he's gone. It's the most "punk in the heart" kind of experience to endure for so long. He acts like he has NO children. My daughter says that he can stop over & visit them, but do to him being a narcissist he refuses. He tells her that he has a house & they can come see him. This occurred when this first started.
My daughter doesn't want them around his brother. His brother's an alcoholic & he's seriously bad. Just like his brother, he refuses to admit, seek help, or see that HE has a problem. He again, like his brother, blames other's for what he does or why he drinks. Yeah, sorry, that doesn't work. When I used to gamble, I did the SAME exact thing. However, I WAS the one, at the time, refusing to admit or see how deeply it ran & all that it had/was costing me. I'm grateful to the God for saving me! I asked him for help & he did help me! I don't gamble any more. To me, that's the first step...admission of a problem! You're never going to get better IF you never admit it, always deny or 'pass the buck' to saying it's someone else's fault/doing you have a problem.
Moving forward now. Every day it's a deeply hard struggle, for me, to listen to what my daughter endures. I can hear the pain in her voice for the kid's, the stress she's enduring, because he just packed up & left them all. He didn't provide then & he's not providing now. It's one thing I believe that's good that he's gone. He didn't do anything but take care of his needs then & hasn't changed even now. My daughter's going to have to hire an attorney to 'battle' this out with him. He goes around telling everyone what a wonderful, loving & caring father HE is. I beg to differ, due to my daughter telling me how many time's a day these kid's cry because of their father. It's just something that breaks my heart.
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Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

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Old 04-29-20, 10:33 PM   #2585
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Hey, how's the healing going? Have any tips? 😄
I'm Harmony.
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Old 04-29-20, 10:35 PM   #2586
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All of my cousins live with my 60 year old grandmother and trust me, we know how it feels to know a deadbeat father. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It sucks, no matter who you are.
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Old 04-29-20, 11:21 PM   #2587
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Default Absolutely No Understanding...

I learn, quickly how people are unable to relate to massive anxieties about thing's we have. Mine comes in the "form" of any kind of dentistry. Last week Thursday, making a long story short here, I cracked a part of a molar completely off. So, Friday morning, I'm trying to call the dentist that I used to go in. Mind you, I haven't seen one in awhile, do to my colon rupturing last year & 6 months of recovery time, then surgery this January to 'patch it' back together. Then after that happened, you have to wait a few months for everything to (hopefully) heal correctly. Well, I had the "thought" of scheduling an appointment with my dentist, before all this Coronavirus happened, but I never got around to it. Why you might ask? Well, because of my daughter & all the nonsense of her husband leaving her with 5 small children. I had been told NOT to lift anything for months & by my 2nd week of having it reversed, I was lifting kid's already. I could not just leave her by herself to deal with everything & not help her. I'm the only one, out of 3 (total) sets of parent's that would do anything for the grandchildren.
Anyways, so I called my regular dentist a 2nd time on Friday, again stating I needed to be seen & what happened. I was told, that I would not be seen, due to the length of how long I had not seen a dentist. To me, that was ludicrous reason, but no one called me back by Monday.
I finally found a dentist that was open, said that they were willing to see me & take a look at what was going on with said tooth. So, I get there & the lady was nice, so was the one lady that waited with me for the dentist to see me. Originally, I was told it would only be a few minutes to see the dentist. It ended up being almost 20-30 minutes. Hey, I didn't complain, because I needed to see one. So, this dentist comes in (female) & I told her my anxiety issues/problems. I think that was the biggest mistake! She then started saying, that I her safety was important & that she would give me valium, nitrous oxide & then would give me injections to work on the tooth. She was very nervous about even taking me on, due to how anxious I was. I told her to just go slow with the injection(s) & I would do the best I could NOT to move. I said once I get past them, I seem to be okay. It's just ONE time, I wasn't numb enough & the one dentist almost cut the (whole) inside of my mouth open, when they were working on a tooth, because they didn't check (tapping on it) to see IF I was completely numbed up. I ended up moving when the dentist had the drill in my mouth. So, that I'm (sure) didn't help my 'cause' at all, but I was being forthright about thing's.
I just don't understand how you can have a sign saying "gentle" on your business, when you're not very 'gentle' about understanding how anxious some people truly are? None the less, I have to keep searching for one. Most of them told me, unless it starts swelling, massive pain-can't sleep during the night, or throbbing, then to call them back. It's ridicules if you ask me. Make someone wait until you're going to have to inject them, while they're in massive pain! Why not take care of the problem before it gets to that (extreme) of a degree? I guess I'm "out of touch" with thinking these day's. I understand there's a pandemic going on, but why force someone to wait to get a repair on a broken tooth? Just fix the dang thing & let me be done with that aspect of it & you don't have to see me again IF you don't want to deal/contend with me. I swear, sometimes I think this pandemic has made (SOME) people uncaring. IF it was me, I'd take the patient & do whatever I could to help. Isn't that why people go into those field's in the first place? TO me, she didn't care, but told me that I needed to have it fixed; promptly. Guess what? I'm still looking for a dentist. She even gave me a prescription for Valium to take 1 1/2 hours before the procedure. Cheese & crackers...handing them out like it's candy now?! I've NEVER had anyone just give me one of those, without knowing me, my health, or anything about me. That part didn't "sit well" with me. Maybe I'm mistaken & that's the normal thing to do now & day's?
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Old 04-29-20, 11:28 PM   #2588
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AllButGone View Post
All of my cousins live with my 60 year old grandmother and trust me, we know how it feels to know a deadbeat father. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It sucks, no matter who you are.

AllButGone~I'm sorry that you have to or anyone for that matter, has to endure that. My daughter's husband left her, back in February of this year with 5 small children. He's not paid anything for them, but has spent plenty buying himself thing's. Plus having a job that pays him weekly, yet still hasn't paid one penny towards his children. His attitude's like, well IF you need something, I'm not a mind reader .... ask. He knows that they need thing's, like diaper's, food, wipes & clothing. He refuses to provide for them, but said she was a thief when he didn't get his stimulus monies as fast as HE wanted it. That to me was the most ridicules of thing's that his narcissist self could have done. You can't pay for months on end for your children, but sure can accuse someone of being a thief? What's wrong with this picture? Plenty, IF you ask me.
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Old 05-05-20, 10:15 AM   #2589
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I've been pondering thought on this cliché..."The sins of the parent(s) fall upon the child(ren)." It's a difficult time for my daughter, since her spouse left her, back in February this year. He came up with the notion of co-parenting with her. It's "funny" that he did, because he's the farthest thing from being able to do what he offered up. He's a narcissistic individual. Me personally, I don't understand the depths of how deeply that runs within an individual. However, I'm learning; quickly. I'm learning the depths that he will go, to lie, mislead, place the entire thing upon my daughter's shoulder's & saying everything is her fault/doing. He used to tell her, when they did live together, that she needed medication or he'd leave her. She DID get into her doctor's office & got one. She ended up needing a few of them to 'stabilize' her mood(s). Yet, while she was getting the help she needed, he decided to cheat on her. At first, it was picture's on his cell phone, taken off websites. I'm assuming that aspect of it. However, as time progressed, he started locking his cell phone & wouldn't let her access it/look at it. Like he was hiding something. He was, she eventually found out. He had picture's of real live female's that he (personally) knew. Now, I can't say IF they sent him those because they wanted to OR if he requested them?


None the less, it kept going for awhile & he would lie about it. Telling her she's "losing it." He even left a few time's, leaving her (yet again) with all the children, when he went back to his mom's/step father's house. This kept going back & forth until this February. He decided he couldn't "take her" nonsense anymore along with her false allegations. His father, had also passed away, leaving a house behind in his passing. That's what truly afforded him the opportunity to move out from their house. He decided to "take along" his brother, which whom is a serious alcoholic. He can down a 24 pack like no other. It's truly sad, because he's becoming so sick with doing that, he's "bloating" as I refer to it. He's become so enlarged with swelling, due to his consumption of that much beer over such a long period of time, I'm sure his liver/kidney's & his body are not doing well.


Anyways, get back to what I was talking about. My daughter busted him, about 2 hours away in a hotel room. This wasn't the first time that she had found out he was in the hotel room with his X-girlfriend. This would be the one, right before he had started dating my daughter. He refused to come out of the room & talk to her about anything. He would tell her later, that he was talking to a friend. Yeah, I know people that take their friend's to a hotel room & spend the entire weekend just to talk. I guess he thinks that she or myself was born at 6 o'clock this morning? Guess what, I wasn't & neither was she. He refuses to admit that he was, even though my daughter was told, by a friend of his, that he WAS having sex with her & has been.


This is what I don't understand. How can you just leave ONE individual to care for 5 kid's on a daily basis? I mean, these kid's are all under 5 1/2 year's of ages! On top of that aspect of it, he left her with absolutely nothing to pay any bill's with! He's as responsible as she is for the rent on the property, yet he hasn't paid ONE penny since he left. Nor has been paying for his children OR anything that they require. Since he left, he's ONLY provided ONE box...wipes, diaper's & pullup's. I guess he thought the would last for months on end? I'm being excessively sarcastic here! He's lied to his own children about taking them, seeing them, or doing thing's with them. The 2 youngest are twin's. I find it exceptionally peculiar that his son, he's only a little over 1 year's of age, came back from an overnight visit months ago. When he was brought back, his eye's were crossed eyed & he's been like that since. To me, personally, something HAD to have happened! He didn't leave that way. He's always been on my daughter, for the stimulus money & for their tax returns. He lied about the (real) reason's he needed them. He called her a thief for not giving it to him right away! I can't believe that he's got the gull or audacity to do that, when he's provided nothing for them! Yet he's the one proclaiming he's the victim! My butt he is! The kid's are & so is what my daughter's left to deal with on a daily basis.


I guess I don't understand someone that's a narcissistic individual. Nothing about them is true, but what you see when you look right at them. I'm saying thing's like hair color, eye color, etc... It's like a game of charades. You don't know who they truly are? From what I've (personally experienced) it's like dealing with a chameleon. You never know "what color" you're going to get when you talk to them OR they're lying to you. They're so "masterful in changing colors" so ever quickly, you don't see it until it's too late. They draw you in like a beautiful sunset. It's only when the 'darkness is upon you' that you realize they're not who(m) you (truly) thought they were. While I don't understand this, I have read up on it.


All I know, is that life is short. It becomes shorter with each second, minute, hour, day, week & year. I know that my heart breaks for my grandchild & the pain(s) they're enduring; daily. I watch tears fall; like a waterfall. All I can do/say, is that I'm sorry he made a choice/decision & that it hurts you. I would like to take their pain(s) away, but all I can do is keep trying to be around for them. It's truly painful watching such young babies cry & you can't "fix what's broken." They think/feel/believe, that some how they've done something wrong/incorrect & this is their "punishment" for it. It's hard, so very hard to let them understand his choice/decision wasn't for them, it was because HE IS SELFISH & didn't want to be around anymore. He truly wanted his freedom & he's sacrificed his own flesh & blood just to go have it.


I end this with this thought. Is it true that he just really doesn't care?
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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Old 05-05-20, 09:12 PM   #2590
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I have sat & reflected on many thing's today. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around certain aspects within my own life. I know, honestly, I'll never have a real/honest answer for many thing's that have occurred/happened within my own life. I've TRIED to let go of my past, but there's still some aspects of it that 'creep up' on me, when I'm least expecting it. Even earlier I posted about my sins affecting my own daughter. I don't know IF that's true or just a cliché? I feel that I did try to do the very best for her. Yes, I have no doubts that I made poor choices/decisions/mistakes. I didn't have parent's to "show me the ropes" as I was growing up. I feel, in many areas I've failed her & also my grandchildren. I so much want to give them, all that I never had or was privileged to have when I was growing up. I never want them to know, what it feels like not to be loved, cared about, or having someone to hug you when you need it. Their father's already doing that 'part' of it to them & seems to have no real remorse in doing so. He doesn't care & that's abundantly clear by not only how little he sees/communicates with them, but how he doesn't care they're constantly crying themselves to sleep at night. Yet he goes around telling everyone he's a good father. Yeah, I guess abandoning your children, making excuses not to see them & demanding the benefits of them, without doing anything for them makes him the father of the year! My gosh, he can't even keep his promise(s) to them, over simple thing's that he says. He lies right to them & has absolutely no remorse in doing so. Who does that to innocent children?


It's just something, even more, that hurts me & makes me wonder/ponder if this is all my fault/doing? Have I done something that my daughter's "paying for my sins?" I mean, some times, I truly have to stop & ponder those thoughts. I'm not perfect, have made a massive load of mistakes & am in no means innocent of not hurting people. While it IS something I do constantly think on, I know I can't change the people I've hurt. IF I could take it back, I honestly would however. I know there's lesson's within each of our lives. I know some of my own suffering has been "dealt" by what my own (personal) choices/decisions were at those particular moments within my life. I don't want my daughter to be 'forced' to pay for what I've done incorrectly or wrong within my life. Nor do I want my grandchildren too either. I mean, right now, with this virus mutating/growing & the pandemic we're all in, makes a person truly reflect upon their own lives. Not only that, but people they've unintentionally/intentionally hurt along the ways. I do NOT want to be one of those people that other's may/might say...glad she's gone. I mean, you're not around to hear it, but it still "hurts the soul."


That brings me to this. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm being more selfish & being petti about a lot of thing's as of lately. I don't know IF it's all the stress I've endured, for the year's I've endured it or just me "wanting" to be like that? No one really/truly wants to be selfish, in my opinion. At times, I believe people are forced to do it. At other times, the enjoy being selfish. I have become just someone I don't want to become right at this moment in time. I want to be the individual I used to be. I don't want people to hurt me, but I also don't want to be a doormat either. Maybe that's just it? I've had SO many year's of pain & hurt now I'm the one that is being selfish about myself? I'm guarding my feeling/thoughts & how I view/perceive other people. I know, for example, certain people will not tell me the truth, while other's will set me up & have no problem/issue in doing so. It all comes down to who(m) you know, trust & can/can not be honest with. I know that I need to change who I am, because I'm extremely unhappy with who(m) I've become now. I know that I do not like people being mean to me, yet I still tolerate it, by people that are supposed to be/act professional.


I think my "issue(s)" become how to "draw the line" with people. I just let them 'run me over' with their "word vomit" & I never give it back. However, that's started to change. I got into it, just yesterday, with my own daughter. I told her how I (exactly) thought of her & that I'm tired of her "antics." I then walked out on her. She didn't come after me & I didn't care; honestly. It's the first time, in 30 year's, she apologized to me & I didn't. I'm learning, quickly, but I do not want to turn into a "monster" with this. I want people to respect me, as I do them, but yet understand I'm not a doormat for them to walk upon or wipe their feet on. I want & deserve to be treated like anyone else is. I wonder, truly, IF I'm asking/expecting too much? Only time will tell.....I guess.
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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