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Trying to heal, from life...

This is a discussion on Trying to heal, from life... within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; No matter how hard I try, things just don't want to work themselves out the way I need them too. ...

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Old 04-22-15, 08:39 AM   #2561
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Default Difficult....

No matter how hard I try, things just don't want to work themselves out the way I need them too. I've been trying to keep a 'better attitude' about things/people within my life. The harder I've been trying, the more it seems that people want to 'knock me down' & keep me there. It's difficult, when you only have yourself to try & support keeping a happier attitude/outlook. I truly want to be happy. Not only with myself, but with things that are (always) out of my control. I don't like always complaining about how lousey my life is, when I know there's other people suffering. It just seems that is all I have left inside myself. I'm left with much bitterness, unhappiness, & not the greatest outlook on too many things. I've desperately have tired, constantly, to believe that things eventually get better.It just seems, that I keep having 'my tire's blown out' & keep trying to 'inflate' them. No one wants to provide me with 'road side assistance.' They laugh at me, ignore me, or even more worse, can't bother to stop at all.

I realize that I'm just a little minno in a huge lake. I'm just trying not to be 'devoured' by all the bigger fish in this lake. Sadly, I feel it's only a matter of time before I am...
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Old 04-23-15, 05:20 AM   #2562
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I dont remember if I've told you this, but my mom is one of 11 children. And you know what 99% of them are like?....the people in your neighborhood. When I was a kid my grandma gave me a paper silver dollar as did several of my cousins. One by one my Uncle would pull us over and offer a different dollar or coins in exchange for it. So being a kid....I didn't know any better and traded. On another occasion dad payed my other uncle to fix his car, he took the money and never completed the job. Years later this same Uncle asked my dad for a ride since they were going in the same direction, another vehicle caused the accident they were in but being a multi car accident the judged ruled all drivers partially responsible. You know what this uncle did? He sued everyone including my dad.
Then the christmas just after I had a meltdown/mental break my mom's family was full of gossip about my sexuality cause I never brought any girls around the family. They did more than gossip that christmas but I wont get into it, the lesson I learned was that life will be more than happy to kick you while you are already down on the ground. The only real thing you can do is muster the strength to run or fight back. No matter what happens I can relate to what you are going through from that stand point and can only hope and pray that somehow you can land on your feet. Here for you, always
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Old 04-23-15, 09:47 AM   #2563
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Default Nasty Little Rumors...

It's difficult enough, when you're a child dealing with other children's behaviour's twords you. It's even more difficult to contend with it as an adult. The things that people say, behind your back, or discuss about one another is just unbelievable. Yesterday, I get to hear more 'rumor's' about what kind of horrible person I am. For an example here. The guy (the hoarder) that lives across from the witch, has now 'joined her group.' I heard yesterday, about what he's been saying. He seems to like twisting the conversation(s) we used to have & bending them to his desire(s). Weeks ago, he tried/attempted to do this & I confronted him when he was incorrect on what he said I mentioned. He believed he's correct & that's all that mattered;period. He also used to have a sign, with his number, for advertisement (for his junk he gets) on his lawn. I noticed, after he got done talking to the witch, he promptly pulled it. I'm assuming things here, but seems a bit 'off' after him talking to her, he decided to pull it down. He's also not talking to me any more. Truly no big loss their.

What I've been doing, with these neighbour's is treating them in the same mannor(s) I've been being treated like. I'm NOT acknowledging them as I used to do. When they waive to me, I'll just knod my head. There's no more friendly waives to them. I know that I'm not wanted in this neighbourhood & that will becoming to it's conclusion(s). I had a dream the other night, that they all had a celebration after I moved out. As of right now, NONE of them are aware of what's going on with this property. It's just another unfriendly reminder of just how unwanted I am within this world. People that have set me up, for their own reason(s), are the one's 'basking in the light' of their damages in my life. It's painful to even say, that I don't feel like a human. My life's been one, full of many disappointments. Now, things have all seem to lead up to me not even being able to live my life, but simply be torchured, even further, by other's unkindness/actions. I'm struggling with not only wanting to attempt to keep a better attitdue, but wanting to stay in this unkindness that seems to blanket my existance. I want this blanket removed from over me, but it always covers me back within itself. It's like having an unwanted habit that you can never get rid of.

Dax~Thank you, for your ever kind words & sharing what you did with me. 's.
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Old 04-23-15, 07:28 PM   #2564
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I just can't stand this witch next door any longer. It would be nice, if she'd fly off on her broomstick into a dark forest, never to return. I'm tired of her calling me a bi&&& & other things that she does. Ie...like treating MY lawn like their (the people that live with her do it too) like it's a personal dump. I keep finding empty packs of smokes & red bull throw on my law! Also, finding landmines as well. This IS how I'm treated by her. I wish I could sue her for what she's done, to not only my life, but what she's stolen. People just tell me to 'get over it' & things of that nature. It's like a horrible nightmare that never ends! I'm sick of people telling me to get over things. I've tired to do this, but people continue to hurt me, even without me acknowledging it. I'm tired of being told that I'm the problem. I know that SOME of it is me, but it's what the other's are doing to me, that "inflates" how I'm feeling. I'm tired of living like this! I can't defend myself, because I've never "aquired" being able to hurt/belittle/degrade other's & enjoy making myself feel better about it.

I'm tired of being used as someone's personal doormat. I'm not a doormat. I'm a person that has real feelings, emotions, & thoughts. On top of the overhwhelming stress, that's already coming down upon me, I have to always contend/deal with more. I don't understand this "plan" for me within this world nor my life any more? What happened to just leaving people alone? I do that & yet it's never 'returned' when it comes to mine. I'm tired of being bullied, by people, life, & everything else that can/does happen. This world is turning into something that is worth while any more, but more of a place that people are just running it & the people within it into the ground. I just can't see me getting 'life' to give me some kindness, happiness, & tranquility that I just need right now.

There's no breaks any longer, just my heart breaking, because I've always failed so miserably.
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Old 04-23-15, 09:30 PM   #2565
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Aries
Sorry I have no words. I have been struggling really bad but I won't ever
forget you. I believe in you.
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Old 04-23-15, 10:59 PM   #2566
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Me too Aries, I will never forget you. I'm hurt to see you hurting
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Old 04-24-15, 08:57 AM   #2567
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This 'clock's' been ticking down, so very quickly. I'm deeply struggling with a ton of emotions as of right now. I'll never understand the 'reasoning' behind things constantly going the way they have? I wonder truly, most day's what I've done so wrong;always? I know, honestly, there's people that have it worse off than myself. Right now, I can't see past anything else, but the misery I'm enduring. It's almost like people are 'aware' of what's going on within my life, though no one, but the people here, truly have been told. I've seen more people distant themselves away from me, just because of whatever their own (personal) reason's are. I guess it comes down to the mere simple fact, that I've finally been broken. It's like breaking a wild mustang. They're so beautiful running free. When one's captured & broken, it's like the 'spark's' no longer within them any longer. All they lived, loved, & enjoyed doing has been removed. They are now 'harnessed' to what they are forced to endure.

I guess that pretty much sums things up for me. Life & the people I've had to endure have broken me;finally. I can't 'run free' any longer & I'm just awaiting the destiny of my own miserable exsistance to end. That's right around the corner, as this month's almost coming to its conclusion. Using the words, like pathetic, useless, & disposable, don't even 'scratch the surface' of how destroyed I am inside myself. I've failed miserably & that's pretty much the conclusion of things. It also brings to the surface, that I've failed, as my adopted father predicted, so many, many year's ago. I'm the failure that walks amoung the elite, successful, & well off. Shortly, I will be 'stripped' of everything that's 'protected me' from the outside world. I will be 'tossed to the wolve's' like a piece of meat. No one will care when I'm 'devoured.' I'm only one person, amoung billions of people. I've already accepted that's the fate I'm looking at.

I don't know where I've gone wrong or what I could have done to change/alter my own life/fate? I've always struggled with trying to 'fit in to society.' I know, darn well, that I never have. I'm like some horrible creation that was living amoung normal people. I've suffered, greatly, with all the 'stone's that have been thrown at me.' I've always attempted to try to be a good person, yet it's never made any kind of 'impact' with anyone;myself included. This world's just one that continues to darken my skies & the people that exsist in my real life add to it. I'm always amazed, at such beauty that's outside my back door. Then, you add the people that I live around & it just blackens that beauty. I just want to put 'blinder's on' & just see the beauty that I choose to see. In reality, that's never happend. It's like I've been traveling in a dark tunnel all my life. No matter how much I've tried to see light, it's always been denied to me. I realize that I'm just an alien living amoung the real human's on this planet. Too bad I can't take off in my ship & never return to this planet;again.

Thank you~Dave86 & Dania. 's to each of you.
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Old 04-25-15, 08:10 AM   #2568
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First of all, your adopted father was an abusive asshole. You didn't fail according to his predictions, you are ill and that is through no fault of your own. Otherwise you would be working and likely able to live a different life. That could include living somewhere else away from that bitch next door.
You are not some monstrous creation that is living among normal people, they are the monsters. Its you who are the normal one, but its hard to feel normal when you've got alot of screwed up people near you. I know its hard to see or feel this, but good people do not act the way they do. I do not know why we have to suffer. But I know you dont deserve it.
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Old 04-25-15, 09:54 AM   #2569
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Default Strongly Cautioned...

Today, with the overcast of the weather, I feel as though it's that way inside of myself. I long to find acceptance in a world, that I was never ment to be accepted in. The darkness that over shadow's the light, just becomes darker as each passing day & the time ticks down, to the final count down. I reflected on much, these last few day. I'm the cause of all the problems & demise of myself. There's no one else to "place the blame" on, with the exception of what stares back at me in the mirror. Though I've suffered, deeply, it's my own fault. I'm the cause of all that happens in my life. I can't blame my real father, mother, nor my adoptive parent's. They did whatever they did, because it was the right or correct choice(s) for them at those particular cross road(s) within their life. I'm just the "product" of not being able to deal/contend with those choice's. It's me to blame for all the wrong's that I've had to endure. I must have done, too many things incorrectly & now is these results are of those incorrect choices.

It's hard to understand the many road's I've had to travel within this life of mine. The simple things, like family, friends, & so much more has always "escaped" my own reach of having. Life's always been a struggle for myself. While I can never deny, a few kind things that people have done, it's like an "black hole." The darkness has constantly "absorbed" those kindness's. I truly don't understand life, people, or things that one endures. I had a "moment in time," as I was typing this up. Back to a time when I had much hope for the future & my life. My dream's, back then, seem obtainable. I had a positive attitude (no matter how bad things were), enjoyed seeing other's smile, & just a "happy tune" in my heart. I treated people, even if they were unkind to me, with nothing but kindness. No matter how much I was "smacked in the face," I always turned the other cheek. I had people break my own spirit, but refused to enable them to hurt me or what I wanted in my life. Even when people would take the best from me, I always tried to keep moving forward & believing.

Now, coming back to reality, I see how naive I was. I should have stood up for myself. That's something, to this very day, that's always been a "dagger stuck in my heart." I've continued to take (all) the abuse that anyone can take. I've believed that IF I ignored it, it would "float away, like smoke from a grill." I can see now, that it doesn't nor has it ever. That alone has caused me, some serious issues with people & it within my life. People that enjoy getting/having the last word in my life, has caused me to further downword spiral. People that belittle, degrade, or just out & out lie about me/my life, has taken a further emotional toll. It hurts, so very deep, when people refuse to see past what's being spoken/said about another. That also brings in the trust issues I have. People that have been "disclosed" to things within my life, has turned it back on me, like taking a knife & twisting it so deeply inside of me. I've "bled out" more times than I even care to recall & am still "bleed out" even now. I can't mask my pains any longer. I can't bandage my wounds, because it's just "bleeding out of me" at an alarming rate.

When I ask myself, "what is life about?" I see that the answer(s) have all been right in front of me, I just refused to want to see them. I see that life, at least in my world is one of an never ending struggle. I struggle to find any reason(s), to go forward any longer, when I'm forced to endure more things? I struggle with wondering why, so many year's ago, I was permitted to come back? The biggest struggle of all, is wondering why I must continue to endure it? I have no problem(s) IF it was possible, to give my life to another that lost someone or needed it. I find that the bullies of the world, are the one's being rewarded & continue to be. I guess that's what life is about. The biggest bullies being able to keep one down within their own miserable hell. Life has always been my bully & there's nothing I can do about it. I just continue to endure the bullying within my life. I sit & take it, just like I've always done. I have no more fight left within these "walls." I think, when I really stop & admit it to myself, that's the most painful of everything I've had to endure...
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Old 04-25-15, 10:13 AM   #2570
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dax~I appreciate all the kindness that was in your posting. *hug*

I wasn't ill back when he was present within my life. His words, even as I typing this up, come back to me, as though he just spoke them. He saw things, that must have made him or influenced to do/say what he did. Maybe it was his way of trying to "toughen me up" for the reality I didn't know at the time, I would be soon facing & I still continue to. Yes, the female next door has plagued my life & will shortly be out of my "viewing range." However, again, I must have done something to her, in the past, that consitutes her continuance of her wrath in my life & still does. She never has stopped & she never will. Even when I'm gone from this place, she will still have gotten the "upper hand." To her, that's all that matters;the winning hand. I guess it's comes down to admitting, that I'm not the "normal" type of individual. I carry too much emotional baggage & I'm sure it's "spilled out," even though it's been done with no intentional reason(s). I've tried to keep that "suitcase" packed. I guess, like most things within my own life, I've failed miserably to "keep it packed."
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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