04-02-15, 09:47 AM
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#2541
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TTL Platinum Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On my own planet...
Posts: 18,210
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Karista~Again, I appreciate the posting's. I'm going to simplify things for you, because of the extent of (you) going out of your way to write so much. Also, because you continue to do so.
I think all that things have come down to, plain & simple, is that I don't care any longer. Life, I've always been told, is what you make of it. That cliche's such a crock!!! However, I have not made this choice to have my life be what it currently is or what it has in my past. This is one ride I want off from. Even the other female, that lives next to me (other side of my home) said to me, that she's noticed I've changed. Personally, I don't give two rats~butts what other's around me say, think, feel, because they're so full of themselves it's ridiculous & think they're living in Beverly Hills. That means I'm the low~life living around them or a bum, whatever suits them. In reality, I've changed. I no longer care about anything, as I can see that people, around or in my life, don't care either. They just "turn the page" & that's pretty cut & dry to state it on here. Even people that said they'd care, no longer care to acknowledge me or give me the time of day any more. Why? Because I DO have too much bs going on & they can't 'wrap their minds" around it. Maybe they think I'm exaggerating my own life/situtations? Personally, I don't give 2 sh&&'s any more. I've been beaten down, by people, life, & my own pathetic exsistance to no longer care. People walk in/out of your life, as simple as walking in/out a door. They're never (fully) honest with you, as to why you're no longer "good enough" to talk to or associate with. The lady, that I told you shot herself, has been the ONLY person to ever give it to me straight. She was blunt, to no avail, with why she didn't want to be friend's with me any longer. The "funny" thing, figuretively speaking here, is she's the one going through hell right now. Getting a divorce, from her cheating spouse & he can't accept the facts he's older. The only (major) difference between her/myself, is she DOES have a family that cares about her in Texas. That's where she'll be moving too, because I heard it through someone else that's very close to her. Now, she's the one having too much drama, as she put it to me, that she's unable to "reslove." I did, extend the "olive branch" out, one more time to her, but you can see she's turned in to a royal bi&&&! I only did it, because I was attempting to "feel" for her. Honestly, I didn't "feel" for her, I just was trying to be nice. Well, I won't be any longer.
For everything else you mentioned. I guess I choose not to do a dang thing any more. When you're given "X amount" of time, you can do a few things. One, you can try to "mend bridges" that were distroyed & seek out, whatever help's needed to live as long as possible. Two, you can be a loving, kind, caring person & hopefully live/enjoy whatever time's left. Three, you can be forced into what I've been forced to do. That would be, thinking about how miserable you're own personal live's been, the hell's you've endure ( never changes), & realize that you're not someone that has anyone nor would you be missed when your "time expires." That's putting it as bluntly as I'm able/capable of doing on here. I no longer care, because I've been shown, way too many times, that I'm not someone that's cared about. Even my own daughter's, treated me like I'm disposable, & that's putting it ( excessively) mild on here. Her father's always been the "one" that she's wanted to keep happy or please. I've always been the one, to bail her out, take his verbal lashings, & get put down for ALL the wrong things she's done;by her own choice(s). She's used me, taken advantage of me, & has disposed of me, as quickly as anyone else has. However, I've always been the one that's never swayed from being here for her. Nice "reward" for all the year's of garbage she's dumped upon me/my life. Not to mention ALL the hell she's put me through, with NO remorse of it;ever.
To sum up things here. I'm to the point, in my own life, where I'm just being used up by things. I don't care any more about so many things. I've never gotten out of this hellish life I've been forced to endure, with the ONE exception of when I was seriously ill. Then, I honestly believed I did go to Heaven. However, I must NOT have been good enough to stay, because I was sent back to hell;yet again. Since that time, "back on" here, life's been nothing but MORE struggles. More so, than one can contend deal with by themselves. I'm sure, that this upcoming appointment with Social Security, will be the "icing on my cake." It's all par for the course within my own life/exsitance. I don't care what this doctor thinks about me, my health, or whatever he's got his opinion(s) about. Simply put here, I'm tired of "jumping through hoop's" for everyone else. I'm not some "trained animal that enjoys doing tricks" for people. I will adhere to what is being demanded of me, but I will not "jump" for anyone. I've become what I've been treated like, the majority of my own life. I've given up caring, as I can plainly see, I'm just here to have other's "wipe their feet" upon me/my life. Now, with many year's of taking it, people are starting to notice, I no longer care about them.
The irony of ALL this comes down me changing into what I've never thought I would become;ever. I loathe the majority of people in this world. I've been further darkened by their lack of compassion, empathy, or simply by being futher abused (verbally) by them. There's no "room left" in my heart. It's turned black as a night's sky without any stars. While I used to believe that people just didn't understand me, it's ME that didn't see the real picture(s) being painted. I used to see ALL the goodness, kindness, & wonderful things, that people can/do posses. I see now, that I've been blinded for much too long. All I currently see, is how much people can quickly turn upon you, lie to other's about you, & mislead you with their own adjenda's. I live next to a female (other side of my home) that's taken so very much from me. Now, this has become who I am, become, & it's not going to change. I've been dragged through the mud, all so someone else can live their life, enjoy it, & it's cost me everything I had. There's NO justice, karma, or what comes around. I've waited, for many year's for this particular indivdual to "get" karma. All that's happend, is she's gotten more, while I've been further forced to endure many hardhship's, due to what she's forced into my life/exsistance. Where's the justice in that? It's been 7 year's & she's enjoyed distroying mine.
Life is nothing of what you make of it. It's all what's determined BEFORE you're even born. I'm sick of having all the bad/unpleasant things happen to me. I've had more than I can endure, tolerate, or withstand. Maybe becoming this ill, will be a blessing in disguise? All I know, is that people are mean, cruel, uncaring, & that's only what I live/exsist around. The "bigger picture" is that people will continue to be, who(m) they are, without realizing the "path of distruction" they leave in their "passing," figuratively speaking here. I'm the one that's been in their path's & believe me, I know the distruction they've forced into my life, my exsistance, & my world. I live it every day & it's a nightmare that's never ending...
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Last edited by Aries; 04-02-15 at 09:50 AM.
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04-02-15, 07:46 PM
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#2542
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New Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 29
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This thread is sooooo long! I want to give you a thoughtful response/support but I don't know where to begin. So much has changed since you created the thread, yeah? I'll be back.
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04-02-15, 08:05 PM
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#2543
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TTL Platinum Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On my own planet...
Posts: 18,210
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Dontmindme~You'll take months to read this (entire) thread. It's fine IF you want to start off, some place in the recent posting. I get that it's extremely long. I appreciate what you said though.
__________________
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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04-02-15, 08:36 PM
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#2544
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TTL Gold Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: yes
Posts: 10,684
My Mood:
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non ditelo....
che e una brava ragazza....
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04-03-15, 07:31 AM
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#2545
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TTL Platinum Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On my own planet...
Posts: 18,210
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Ugliness Of People...Extreme Caution
The ugliness of the people that I live around, have been in/out of my life, or just their unkindness is something that is difficult for myself. I've always tried/attempted to see past that & see the kindness within them. This however, is just something I did, for myself, to try to move past that kind of darkness within them. I just can't see the beauty in them any longer. It's almost like, I see nothing but sheer evilness lurking underneath their surface. I've endured much ugliness from people, for the majority of my life. The few "glimp's of light" that I thought I saw, have quickly been snuffed out. I have started to become allow that ugliness, from all that I've endure, to take over my own exsistance. I've become, so tainted with other's ugliness, that it's overwhelming. I don't want to be nice any more. I don't care what happens any longer. All I see, is just "red" when I look at people. I see dark cloud's looming above them, like some kind of alien spaceship. I see no kindness/goodness within people any more;myself included.
All that I used to be, believed in, had faith in, & hoped/drempt for, as been "striken" from my life as of lately. I see that this world's not something that I want to be a part of, because it's not changing for the better. In fact, I see it changing for all the wrong reasons & becoming a dark place to exist within. You can see it, when you look/view certain people. You can hear it, when you watch television. This world's become it's own "playground" for unkindness. It's growing, ever so quickly, like a plague that there's no cure for. It's infecting people, their lives, & the popluation. It's like it's untreatable. It's becoming something that you don't want to be apart of nor exsist within it. Why? You know, that it's "infecting/infected" your own life. You see changes, within, that you've never experienced before. You hear how much you're changing. You try to 'block it all out,' yet it still creeps in, like a poison's vapor. You're unable to not inhale it. You can block out the world, yet it still manage's to creep into your home, like a thief in the night.
It's truly disheartening to know, you're becoming what you never thought you would. You told yourself, repeatedly, that you'd never allow the "dark side" into your own life. You kept trying to have the "sun block it out," yet it slowly & methodically takes you over. You, at first, feel an overwhelming suffocation by it. Then, as time passes onwards, you start to "breathe it in," as simple as your taking a breath. It's a "toxic" feeling. Then, you just learn, that you're never going to be able to not breath it in. You accept the fact(s) that this will be the way things will continue to be. Being suffocated by this toxic air that you have in your life. No mask will "filter" it out for you, as it's over taking you.
__________________
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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04-03-15, 05:10 PM
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#2546
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New Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aries
Dontmindme~You'll take months to read this (entire) thread. It's fine IF you want to start off, some place in the recent posting. I get that it's extremely long. I appreciate what you said though.
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I decided to read the first few pages and the last 10 pages of this thread to get the gist of the situation, then and now. Words cannot express just how sorry I am that you have endured such trauma Your life makes mine sound like a Disney tale. I don't even feel worthy of responding to you, I have not gone through a fraction of the pain you've dealt with. I can honestly say you are a much, much stronger person than I am because as badly as I manage the stress I have now, I probably would've offed myself if I had to take on your load. I admire that you can deal with all that and still come on here and support others. That is very selfless and admirable and there is not a lot of people in this world that I can confidently admit to admiring. Just remember that you matter to us here when you're feeling especially low You represent the good in the world that we, as depressed individuals, yearn for.
As far as advice goes, I think it is best to love your daughter from a distance. It seems that you have already decided that and that seems to be one of the better decisions you can make towards maintaining your sanity. What has she done for you besides bring you even more stress and compromise your SSDI benefits? Who would willingly do that to someone they care about with no sort of remorse? My parents may not not been the most supportive of me mentally/emotionally, but they did what they could to financially support me and for that, I feel indebted to them regardless of their emotional abuse. I'm convinced that they did not know how much of a toll it's taken on me, so I have forgiven them and I am working hard now so they can live comfortably in their old age because God knows they've worked too hard. I just feel like it's a purpose of mine on this earth to repay them somehow and I'm sorry your daughter is not as empathetic as I am. I'm not sure of your current financial state, but I really hope it balances out so you can live the rest of your life comfortably in peace. If your daughter needs any more assistance, tell her to ask her father since she respects him more for whatever reason. It sounds like your daughter has some growing up to do in general. Maybe she needs to fall down a couple more times to gain a more humble perspective on life and realize what's not and what is truly important to her. Allow her that space to grow and mature for her and your own good. Hopefully she'll come around and want to support you in your old age. If not, that's okay too. I'm sure you did your best in raising her considering the circumstances you were already in and hopefully she comes to appreciate that along with what you've recently done to make her life easier. As for now, you deserve to RELAX and appreciate the positive little things this world has to offer. You've done and have been through enough, focus on you and making yourself happy in anyway you can, big or small. You've done sooo much giving with little receiving so now it's your time to wind down and relax. It's okay to be a little selfish in order to protect your feelings and livelihood. It's okay to shut out people who bring no good to your life. It may get lonely, but just know that at least me and others on TTL care about you
Sorry if my advice isn't necessarily consistent with what you're saying. I have not read the whole thread, but I just really wanted to bring you the comfort you deserve. This world is a cruel place and life may not necessarily be "what you make it" as they tend to say, but there's definitely room to make the best of the cards you're dealt if deep down, you truly desire to keep living. Sorry if this next question is a bit too personal, but do you have spiritual faith in anything? It does not make any difference to me if you don't. It's just that I still have faith in God. And it's not so much about knowing he exists, it's just that I feel like I need him to. My life has not exactly been a piece of cake, but I feel like I've been granted mercy in sneaky ways that I have and haven't picked up on and I feel peace believing someone is looking out for me when I can't seem to find any tangible support. When my time on this earth is up, only then will I bask in that kind of love that has been far from consistent in this world. In the meantime, I'll try my best to spread that kind of love and kindness to others because we innately deserve it. It's that kind of mentality that personally keeps me going. I hope the rest of your day goes well
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04-04-15, 09:22 AM
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#2547
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TTL Platinum Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On my own planet...
Posts: 18,210
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Dontmindme~I appreciate, not only the depth of what you've posted, but again, the time you've taken do to so. Thank you.
Getting down to 'business,' so to speak. I don't feel 'better' for all I've endured & have had been 'forced down my throat.' People have done their job's, making sure that I can't 'function' as a person any more. I no longer have the will nor the drive to continue this pathetic & pretty much miserable life. I'm tried of just 'scratching by' with everything. In reality, I'm not even doing this. I'm just 'around' on a day~to~day basis. I'm as empty as a glass. It's never 'filled' as my emptiness isn't. I'm no longer strong enough to stand up to people that continue to treat me like, I'm such pathetic individual. They don't live nor 'walk' in my shoe's. Yes, I have my own issues as anyone else does. The difference between them & myself is, they're living life...I'm not. People that live around me, always rub things into my face, as though it's done with a sort of malice intention. I'm constantly the black sheep around & I'm just being further treated like it.
This has been a major hurdle in my life, that I've never been able to 'jump' over. I live around people with money, good paying jobs, & nice (very nice) toy's/house's. They're able to go, do, or buy whatever they want. These kind of people are not people that like/care to have, someone of my 'nature' living amoung them. That's in majority, to the property. As I belive I've previously mentioned. People are shallow, that I live/exsist around, like I've said, the 'Beverly Hill's' kind of people. Even the guy, that's a hoarder, people seem to not care what HIS property looks like;just mine. It's a double standard & I'm tired of it. The lady that lives next to me, is the cause for the majority of things that happen, have happened & continue to happen. She truly does enjoy making people 'turn' on me, disown me, & making up these fabricated lies/slandering me/defamating me. I can do nothing, but watch, even further, people turn away from me. The guy (the hoarder) across the street from me, is a prime example of this happening. I was the only one, along time ago, to be nice to him. In return he's 'jumped on board' with the lady living next to me, that's done 'her job well' with distroying me around here.
All the things said, brings me to what's going to happen;shortly. I've decided to give up this property & let the bank have it back. It breaks my heart to do so, but I can't live like this any longer. I know that the people around here, have NO clue(s) nor an idea(s) as to what's going to happen with me doing this. I've made very sure, I do NOT disclose that kind of information to anyone of them. However, the prediciment that's going to happen, to me, isn't one that I'm looking forward too. I will have no place to go. While it is MY choice to do, what I'm doing, it's also coming at a cost. Since I don't have much, I'm going to give away things. Nothing I have, any longer, is worth any value. My life isn't worth any value as well. It's something that's been a difficult choice/decision to make, but it's the way things must be. That brings me to the realization of how much I AM pathetic. I can't even hold on to the one thing in life, that I truly needed. I'm tired of being plagued by people telling me how much I'm damaging their property's, by not only the (excessive) amount that's owed on this place, but the 'disgrace' my home brings to the other properties around me. I'm tired of being 'bullied' about it & these people are relentless with their opinion's. According to them, it's the only thing that matters. What I think or feel is irrelevant. This has been made crystal clear to me.
I find that there's nothing in life any more, that I long to 'live' for. No family, no friend's, no support in my real life, & everything else. Even my daughter's no longer speaking to me. Which in some ways, being honest here, I've grown accustome to her doing this. It doesn't lessen any pains that I'm feeling. I've just grown to accept the fact(s), that I just don't belong in this world. It's difficult to know, I've fought through so much deversities within my life, to end up back where I (orginally) started my own life out. I'm just futher sinking into the abyss of darkness that's always been within my life. I've tried, so hard, to keep it away/at bay. However, I just no longer care any more. It's another 'pill' that's extremely difficult to swallow, but like everything else that's happened in my life...it is what it is.
__________________
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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04-05-15, 03:18 AM
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#2548
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 4,836
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04-06-15, 10:59 AM
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#2549
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TTL Platinum Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: On my own planet...
Posts: 18,210
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Karista~I appreciate you posting, everything you have, & also the book's you've suggested. Maybe, in time, I'll feel up to it. Right now, I just lack any kind of motivation to get anything done. It's the reality of things. I just wanted you to know, it's appreciated, all you've said.
__________________
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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04-06-15, 04:48 PM
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#2550
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 4,836
My Mood:
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