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Old 09-18-14, 06:37 PM   #2091
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non ditelo....

che e una brava ragazza....
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Old 09-18-14, 09:16 PM   #2092
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Be strong aries >.<
like nsd said find a shelter before winter comes, and once its over the spring will always come.
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Old 09-19-14, 02:43 AM   #2093
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You didn't do anything wrong Aries. As far as I know you thru your posts here, you're a very kind hearted person.

You care about others more than you care about yourselves and I know you do it sincerely because you don't want to see them to suffer especially those who are close to you, your daughter, daughter bf, your ex father.

If I can recall well, you want to take care of your ex father because you don't want him to be in the welfare home (sorry, if I'm wrong somewhere here...memory not so good). That's one of the many things you've done that I can still recall.

I'm not sure I can do like you do.

You're a beautiful person Aries.

Last edited by Dania; 09-19-14 at 02:47 AM.
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Old 09-19-14, 07:37 PM   #2094
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Today's a day, that I'm struggling. Struggling with wanting to go over to the "witch" next door & let her know what I've been finding out. She was mowing her lawn & this overwhelming feeling of total disgust came over me, as out of no where. I was perfectly content, before I even "laid eyes" on her. She was acting like she's "perfect" & not one person can touch her. Personally, I'm disgusted, to no avail, with the fact(s) that not only is she continues to slander me, but that she's using her son's X (living with her) to "get information" from me, about things going on within my own life. At first, she told me, she truly didn't want to live at her home(even still says that to this day), but since she has a pitbull, she doesn't have any other choice(s) avaible. First off, the rule in our city, is that there's to be NO pitbull(s) unless licensed by our city. Next would be, that this dog IS (massively) aggressive & has some serious issues going on. He almost got my hand one time & I did nothing/not a dang thing to provoke his aggression out. Also, would be the fact that she has NOT notified our city that she has one living inside the "no pitbull area," unless the dog was Grandfather claused. That's NOT the case with this particular animal. Next would be the fact, that I found out, that she's told information to the "witch" about some things that I mentioned to her. She's always telling me, how "grateful" she is that that she knows me, how "knowledgable" & "movtivating I was to her, when she was having a difficult "go" with certain things.

Then she mentioned, about her Pommerian having to be put down. She explained how "embarrased" she was, at the vet, because the 'witch' was scream, acting "crazy/nuts," & wanted to be with her dog at the time he was going to be put to sleep. She said that they told the "witch," more than once, she couldn't be in the same room. That dog was neglected! I'm shocked, seriously here, that they didn't call the local humane society & have this "witch" arrested! I tried, days before I knew that he passed, to get out the massive matts that he had, all over him! He wasn't breathing well & I mentioned that someone should really take him to the vet. His teeth & breath were so bad, it was truly heartbreaking. She's the one that should be locked up & have the key tossed away! She doesn't take care of anything, besides herself;period! The biggest "kicker," at least to me, was that she's trying to set me up. She has some kind of custody over some black ladies children. They range in age from 7~8 on up to 17 is the oldest one. There's 4 of them in total. She's left them alone, for hours (more than 4) to work. She's TRYING to set me up to see IF I'll call Social Services on her, due to NO adult being present when the youngest one's are alone. It's just more "bs games" that she's playing with me. I'm sick to death of this "witch" getting away with SO much, yet nothing's ever done or "comes around" for all that she's done to so many people!

To me, it's all one big fricken game, that they're both playing with me. One acts like she "cares/likes me" & is appreciative of what advice I give her. Then of course is the "witch's" running her mouth slandering me. It's these kind/types of individuals that just make me dispise people more & more. The girl living with her, even had the gull, more than a few times, to ask me for fuel for her car or to borrow her money, because she said the 'witch' won't help her out. I'm sure it's all lies. Then also, she said that she has to pay $150.00 per week for her & the kid's staying with the "witch." Seriously, does this sound like a crock of lies or what??? Unknown to myself, I'm finding things out, that I thought were "different" than what they "appeared" to be, from all the lies she's(the x's girlfriend)been telling to me. I'm sicken with the fact(s) that for all I do to try to help/give some caring/kind advice, it's all being thrown back into my face.

The above's a prime example (true one at that) of how people truly treat me within my real life. I'm so tired of being "not good enough to fit into" the real world that I live/exsist in. Even the neighbour, that came back from Las Vegas is ignoring me. She looked right at me, then just walked into the house. I got that "disgusted look" from her, as she was walking & then turned away. In reality, it's just too hard to want to keep doing this "routine" on a day in/out basis. I'm tired of being looked down upon, because I'm losing it all & people just "snicker" about it behind my back. These are the exact same people, that I've helped in their time(s) of need(s). Never once have I treated them, with less than any respect, that any human being should have/be given. Why is it so different/diffiult for them to do the same thing back for myself? Am I that much of a piece of garabage that I do not deserve it? That's truly how I'm feeling. Just a piece of trash that's constantly kicked around & then "disposed off" when it's no longer "useful" for someone.

Thank you~pixystyx, negativetinyme, & Dania for your kind words of support. As always, deeply/sincerely appreciated.'s to you all.
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Old 09-19-14, 07:41 PM   #2095
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Old 09-20-14, 05:56 AM   #2096
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Am I that much of a piece of garbage that I do not deserve it? Am I that much of a piece of garbage that I do not deserve it?
No, no, no , no , no, no, no, no, no,no , no ,no ,no ,no ,no you are not garbage!!!!!!!!!! Dont look down on yourself, coz you are much much better then all of them. Dont ever think of yourself that way, because everyone here knows for sure that you are amazing person.

Stay strong
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Old 09-20-14, 10:10 AM   #2097
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Today's another rough start for myself. I just "reviewed" my time left here & I'm starting to panic as to what's going to happen? On top of all my other "lovely" issues/problems, I've just come (finally) to the conclusion(s) that there's no "easy way" to move forward from this. It's a struggle for me, as packing an entire home isn't "easy." I find that I long to have peace within myself, this world, & within my real life. I'm tried of being "used as a doormat" for so many people. When I'm in need of some help/support, there's no one that truly cares about me nor what I'm enduring (this place is the exception). I constantly get "glares" of being looked down upon, because of my own "battle(s)" in life. I'm sure it "reflects" as people look at me, then make the choice it's best to "avoid" any/all contact with me. Personally, I think they're a bunch of "fake people." I say this, as I've mentioned before, that I've been their for them. I didn't "pass judgement(s)" upon them, because things were going "horribly wrong" within their life. I guess when "one bad apple's" living in the space, where "Beverly Hill's" people reside, there's nothing that they won't/can't do to make them feel even more poorly about things happening withing their life.

To me, that's the problem with people now & days. So quick to "be there for you" when life's going well/good, but so quick to turn on you, when your life's "crumbling away" & they care less to offer (any) "words of encouragement." Not even a "kind hand" to offer you some support. Truly the people, at least around where I live, are the kind that are (extremely) two~faced. It's like I've previously stated, I'm some kind of "walking plague" that I will "contaminate" them. I think, that's the hardest part that just "cuts to the very heart of me." Knowing that I helped people, out of the sheer/utter kindness of my own heart, yet now, they have "nothing to offer" me. My "well has run dry" with people/my life. I need the greatest amount(s) of support right now & all I truly get is people's back sides or complete/utter avoidance of me. It further goes to show me, on way too many levels, how "unwanted," not only I've become. I can't take the "easier way out" of this life & that is also starting to "plague" me with things that I'm facing/enduring. I've always tried to be how/what I wanted other people to treat me like.

Now, all I see is that I wasted too much time, energy, effort(s) on people that would never be here for me. As previously mentioned, even my own daughter's caring less about me & more about herself/her life. She just asked me, last night, to help her with her bills that she's behind with & her father's unable(to me unwilling)to help her with. She knows my own prediciment, yet still cares less to offer me some kind of help, but I'm supposed to "feel badly" for her & give her whatever she needs/wants to make her life "easier." To me, there's something wrong with this picture? It also hurt, deeply, as a parent, to know just how little you mean to your own child. I've endure a lot of things with her & for her. Even when I'm in some need of her help, she still's unable to see past herself/her life/her needs to offer me a dang~tootin' thing. It's truly heartbreaking to endure, more pain from her lack of caring. To me, a parent should be able to "count" on their own child(ren), when things are "rough sailing" for them. I guess I didn't do enough teaching her, what life & people are truly about. That's another "blow" to myself & my own life. She reminds me of Daffy Duck. He's got all this money, that he was granted by the genie. All he keeps saying is...it's mine, mine, mine I tell you! That's from what I recall from it & I could be mistaken, due to it's been ages since I've seen that cartoon.

It's like the slandering neighbour I live next too. She also felt that my money was hers to do whatever she felt she needed/wanted to do with it. In reality, she's the one that should be "shelling out" what she stole from me back. However, that will cost me money to attempt to recover. It's just like so many other things that have gone wrong within my life time. I'm always getting the "shorter end of the stick" & always the one paying for what someone else has done to me or my life. It's choices that I had no say in, but I'm always the one "stuck paying" the prices for. Right now, it's truly killing me, that I can't save this home of mine. It further adds to my own fustration(s), as well as depression, that I will have nothing left after this home's gone. There's no "warm welcome" awaiting me at one of my relative's home, since I don't have any family at all. I also have no real friend(s) that are going to 'welcome me with open arms' either. In reality, I'm truly finished/done for.

You know, it's "funny" how time's flying & there's "no fun" in what's coming right around the corner. The option(s) that are avaible, are not good one's that will put me in a "healthy & mental place." They're one's that will rip the very heart/soul out of all I am & who I truly am in my real life. The depression aspect(s) of things, will truly become more "serious" as my choices are extremely limited. It's so "wonderful" to realize, how what people do to you/your life, leaves you in the mess(es) that you can't seem to either dig your way out of, or just unable to "graps" why you've been "choosen" to have so much garbage dumped upon yourself;constantly. It never "goes away" & you can't unburry yourself out of the massive "rubble" it's left your life in ruins with.

Thank you~pixystyx & nsdimitrije for your kind hugs & words.'s to you both.
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That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Last edited by Aries; 09-20-14 at 10:14 AM.
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Old 09-20-14, 11:01 AM   #2098
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Stay strong....
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Old 09-20-14, 05:03 PM   #2099
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As the day's progressed, so has something else, that I didn't care to mention, when I posted eariler. For ahwile now, the last few days, I've been experiencing some chest pains. Along with that, is numbness in the left arm, what feels like it's "jello" at times, & also some sharpness at times;dead center. I did call my doctor's office yesterday, & they insisted that I 'seek' an emergency room;asap. The nurse felt, what's going on, is called Angina. Here's what it means the long/short of it. It is chest pain often due to ischemia (an inadequate blood supply to an organ or part of the body, especially the heart muscles) of the heart muscle, due in general to obstruction or spasm of the coronary. That means, simply I could (seriously) be on the verge of a heart attack, from what my understanding is. I will be honest here. First of all, I can't get to a hospital, because I have no one that's able to take me & stay with me, if this would be what they're thinking it is. Next would be my boy;Bear. There's no one, that I can trust with him, to take him out & give him food/water. Lastly, I can't tell my own daughter, because I do NOT want her to go into "premature" labour. I would hate to be the cause of her having a still~born child OR miscarring, due to something that she becomes "too stressed" out with knowing about my health. That's too much of a guilt~trip that would just cause me further to "collapes" further with what I'm already enduring myself.

This IS how I view things. I was given/granted another chance in this life. However, maybe I haven't "lived up" too the gift that was bestowed upon myself. I was smoking, prior to being so ill & then when I came out of it, I hadn't smoked in almost 2 years. NOT being made aware of that fact, or a few other things as well, I just craved a smoke, hence I started again. Not something that I'm proud to say that I restarted either. With all the current stress I'm enduring, I've increased my smoking to 3 packs a day & this has been going on for a few months now. Dispite having NO friends, NO family memebers, I only have my "cancer sticks," as I refer to them, to "help me" get through things. I have someone I know, that gets me them at a discounted rate & can buy them in "bulk." Less expensive for myself & I'm not usally "going without" them. The very last time, I had any blood work done, that was in April of this year, I was told that I have high cholesterol too boot. The doctor suggested that I start using a medication to "decrease" this problem, but I declined to do so. Reason being, I was on too many other medications, at the time my Gallbladder "problem" became so sever & no one even bothered to question the amount of medication I was taken back then. To me, my thinking only, that some how/some way "played a vital part" in something being 'over looked' when I started being unable to hold food down & was vomiting all the time. Yes, they did a "broad range" of testing, but still found nothing, up until the time that it was "too late" & surgery had to be done. I do NOT trust the medication(s) that are currently on the market, as I've done my own homework/research on the side effect & other symptoms that can go along with any medication(s). I only take my Thryroid medication, B~12, & Vit. D. I refuse to take anyting else, as I do not "care for" what some things can do to one's self.

If whatever's going on, truly is something "more serious" than I'm thinking, then I guess I'll get the "reality check" of knowing something more then I currently "assume" is wrong. To me, it's just too much stress that I'm unable to contend with. There's a lot of "too much" going on within my own life right as of now. The "scary" part, at least today that happened, is first of all, a fire truck went down our block. That wasn't too bad, because I thought it was some outdoor's fire someone had. The "scary" part was, when the ambulance came "rushing down" our street. To me, there's always "signs that point to our own events" that may come, due to how we deal with things within our own life. Maybe, this was "my sign" saying I need to do something? Maybe it was what is was, simply someone that got hurt, needed help, & called the emergency number? Either way, the "witch" had to be the first to "fly outta" her house. She looked right at me & wouldn't say a darn word, because the lady on the other side of me, was standing outside on her drive way. It's "funny" how that worked out...hey? She's always got to "run her mouth" but the female that lives next door, on the other side of me, she's not one to "watch someone else" just take another's verbal lashing. At least, not from what I've seen/experienced. She doesn't care for her & I guess that "works in my favor," even IF she's not speaking to me.

nsdimitrije~Thank you.
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Last edited by Aries; 09-20-14 at 05:06 PM.
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Old 09-20-14, 07:23 PM   #2100
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