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Trying to heal, from life...

This is a discussion on Trying to heal, from life... within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; When do I get to wake up & not dread another day? I'm exhusted from battling things in life. I ...

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Old 09-14-13, 12:23 PM   #1591
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When do I get to wake up & not dread another day? I'm exhusted from battling things in life. I actually slept 12 hours. That's so not like me. All the undo stress is taxing me & my health. I can't understand how things work? This is what I mean. People that have done things or caused the pain/suffering I've endured just keep getting handed things, while I feel like I'm made to suffer for a life time. I feel I've atoned for my own sins. I've helped people out the best way(s) I was capable of at those times. Is it so wrong for me to want a "piece of heaven" within my own life? It would be a truly (major) blessing IF money & a few other things would "flow like wine" for me. I'm tried, each day, for struggling to make it. The unfair & unjust things that have been done to me, need to some how switch for the better right now. My "tanks" are tapped out. My walls are starting to crack & pieces are starting to fall to the ground. I feel like I'm watching my life disintegrating right in front of my own eyes. There's some days, I pray that it will all stop. Yet the next day as I open my weary eyes, it starts all over again. It's like a bad dream that keeps repeating itself. I'm actually starting to give up on myself & my own life. Fourty plus years of nonsense, heartbreaks, pain, suffering, endurance, & disappointments really take a toll out on a person.

I feel, in reality & honesty here, that I'm just a waste of space, time, & molecules. The sun is shining, once again outside, but it's dark, rainy, & gloomy when it comes to myself/my life. A person is only capable of being depressed, for so long, before "thoughts" encompass their daily routine(s). There's times, being honest, I would like to end this. However, I do not condone nor believe that "ending it all" is something that's feasible. There's things I've done incorrect or shouldn't have done at all. While I can admit to them, attempt to change/alter them, there seems no way out of the mess I'm currently in. Atoning for my own faults isn't helping me out in the scheme of things. Other people have had a hand in my life & some of the outcomes I've had to contend with. Yet, I'm bitter than they're living a life that I feel I've not only earned, but that I truly deserve. No one person should have to battle, their entire lives, for things that they had little to no control of starting out. While I've moved on from some of those pains that were handed to me, I still have bitterness that "lays in my heart" twords those particular individuals.

Then to push me, somewhat, even further in my own struggles is the next door neighbour lady. She tells me about the home that they were offered a few days ago, but an older couple that had to be moved to a assisted living place. As they're packing to leave for another city for the weekend. She was telling me how big it is & etc... Now, she knows my own predicament. Why would you even (attempt) to do that to someone about ready to lose their home? She seems so charismatic to me, when she's telling me things. While I'm happy for her, she comes off as being unempathetic twords me. That's one thing I (truly) don't comprehend with people? Your own life's so great, your bank account(s) are full, you're capable of doing & buying whatever it is that you want, so why "rub" it in? Rub it in to another person that you darn well knows is suffering so immensely? I guess when it comes to someone else's life, they truly don't give a dang about yours. As long as they're doing what they want, when they want, & able to afford the 'world' your problems don't matter nor concern them. However, that being said, you shouldn't be "pouring more salt on their wounds" in my opinion. My daughter's the exact same way(s). When her life's going horribly wrong, she complains to no avail, until someone bails her out of it. When I start to even mention how crummy things are going, she changes the subject or says she needs to go. That's how my life is. Cry to me, but when I need a shoulder for support, make up something, anything, to avoid hearing me or what's bothering/upsetting myself. It's a back-*ss word we exsist in these days. It's wrong, so wrong & morally incorrect on so many levels, in my opinion.

Some day, when all this pain & suffering have come to it's logical conclusion, I'll be the one that will be the most happiest. Happiest because I no longer have to deal nor contend with how cold & unkind this world's been to me, the majority of my own life. Until that day comes...it's just no peace of heaven.
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Old 09-16-13, 11:54 AM   #1592
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It really is a difficult thing, to comprehend, when you have to always be lonely. You long for company of people, like family or friends, yet you know you truly have none. Loneliness is the biggest challenge, for myself at least, to have to deal/contend with;daily. It's like you feel your exiled from society itself. Kind of like I'm living on my own island, even though there's people that are around me. I've always been the social-type of person. I enjoy being around people, getting to talk to them, seeing where they've been & what they enjoy doing. While I will admit, at times I get a bit jealous that I'm not able to do, whatever it is they've done or will be, it's still nice to view photos of their travels.

Since my own daughter moved out, which it was time for her to do so, I've been lonely. While the 'extra stress' is now gone, I miss her being here. My dogs can only "offer" so much in the way of companionship for me. I know that when I do meet (new) people, I tend to get a bit (too) gitty about it. I think, they think/believe, I'm trying to "push" my way into their own life or being around them;constantly. While it may come off that way, it's truly not the reality of what's really going on. It's the fact that I'm elated, to even be around another person. I believe, they don't understand that aspect of myself. They "view me" as some kind of a "nutty old" female. However, I feel on top of the world when I'm around other people. Being "imprisoned," by being alone all of the time, isn't health for anyone, as far as my own thinking goes. I don't have the financial means to keep up with (all) of the things that they're capable of doing. Maybe that plays a part of the equation? Maybe, that's why they don't want to bother to ask me? No matter what their real reason(s) may possible be, it still leaves me alone. Even my own daughter doesn't "shine around" unless she needs/wants something. Most of the time(s), she knows I don't have the resources to do things, so maybe that's why she doesn't bother any more? I know she's in college & is working. That to me, doesn't mean that you should pop in & visit once in awhile.

I don't know, really, why I must constantly endure the torment of being lonely? There's been some people, in my past, that mentioned they would, "enjoy living that kind of life." Really? I had to stop & really think about that comment. Who, really, would enjoy being alone & lonely each & every day? I think, they were just trying to make me feel better. However, it didn't make me feel that way, because I know they're always busy. I also think that contributes into being a bit depressed. It doesn't help when you know that you're always alone with no family, no friends, & no one calls/stops in to see how you're doing or if you're even alive. The only "people" that know I'm still in exsistance, are the bill collectors. How pathetic is that? I don't know why I must (continue) to live a life of being isolated? Isolated from all things that might make my own life a bit more pleasant, enjoyable, fun, & feeling as though I'm a real person. All the things that I've been deprived from enjoying or even having, has turned me a bit "cold" on the inside. For once, it would be wonderful to have it all "at my feet" for a change. I know, being realistic, it's a nice dream to have. It's too bad that I wish for so much, yet have so little...
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Old 09-16-13, 08:02 PM   #1593
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I'd come visit you if I could Aries. I think it would really be a lot of fun. I don't know how or when, but I do hope things change for the better for you. You have endured so much, surely there must be a break from the hardships in store for you. You are well liked here Aries and just wanted to pop in remind you of that.
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Old 09-16-13, 08:06 PM   #1594
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dax View Post
I'd come visit you if I could Aries. I think it would really be a lot of fun. I don't know how or when, but I do hope things change for the better for you. You have endured so much, surely there must be a break from the hardships in store for you. You are well liked here Aries and just wanted to pop in remind you of that.
I'll second that!! Thinking of you, Aries.
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Old 09-16-13, 09:32 PM   #1595
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We are with you Aries
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Old 09-16-13, 11:08 PM   #1596
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My daughter ends up calling me today, for a few reasons. First of all, she wants me to "hunt down" some used tires for her new vehicle, since 2 of them are going flat, since she did a "curb check" a few days ago. Then she also wants to know if I have any food I'm able to spare for them. She says their broke, no monies, & have nothing to eat. The problem I have with that, is the very last time I was at her place, she did have food. She just doesn't know how to cook things & he's too lazy to make it either. Personally, that's not "my problem" that they refuse to cook for themselves. I'm not being mean about this, please don't get me wrong here. To me, when you're "starving," like they claim they are & have food to 'use' is not the time to be telling me you're out of food or broke. Sorry, that "excuse" no longer works with me nor 'phases' me. I have (far less) than they (both) do & I make the most of my own situation(s). They should quit being lazy & start making the food that they do have avaible to them in my opinion. Oh, she also mentioned to me today, that they've decided on the date to get married. It's May 24th of 2014. Personally, after being a witness to how they act, not only twords each other, but other people, I'm leary of it. However, I'm trying to be (extremely) supportive of them, since most of the people in their families don't want them to get married. She didn't seem to care if I minded it or not. Her happiness was that her father put "his stamp of approval" on it. She couldn't wait to inform me of that.

Next would be, something I foregot to mention. The next door neigbours son was taking the trash out yesterday. He asked me, since I was already outside, if he could bum a smoke. I ended up giving him one. He smoked it & decided to chit-chat for a bit. So, he's about ready to leave & then he sees his mother coming down the street. He asks me, as though he's in panic/scared, as what he should tell her? I told him to tell her that he bummed a smoke from me. I figured, in all honesty, it's the truth, so why lie? Just because she didn't see him smoking one, doesn't mean he didn't. So, as she's passing my house, she gives me this (nasty/evil) glare. It really wasn't a nice one, to say the very least. I just turned & looked at her & proceeded to walk into my house. Then, a few hours later, I was taking my trash out. His girlfriend was leaving with their dog. He's a pit. She looks right at me, as she's talking to her boyfriend, & just shakes her head. Personally, she's just as bad, if not worse than the lady next door. I really do feel badly for her son. He's made his own poor choices, don't get me wrong here, but dealing with two females that are so "closely related" to how they behave & act you kind of do feel badly for him, to a certain degree. Needless to say, today I didn't see him at all. I'm sure she has something to do with that. I know how she "operates" with her family, because I've seen it first hand, in the past. She (as I've mentioned before) reminds me of the movie, "Mommy Dearest."

Then today, I "ran" into the next door lady, that's leaving for Vegas tomorrow. I ended up going over to "bother her" for a bit, before she leaves for her trip. It's the company that she works for that's providing it down there. She's busy picking tomatoes off her plants & gives me a couple. While I don't eat them, I took them anyways. She won't be back till next week sometime. It's just someone else, doing something that I would enjoy doing. I'm afraid of flying. Honestly, if someone was paying for my stay their & the ticket to/from, heck I'd live with my fear of flying just to get away & out of town for a bit! I haven't been to Vegas, in over 20 plus years! I've heard it's changed, a lot, from the way the strip used to be. None the less, that's one trip I'm not going to be making, any time soon.

I think not being able to even have a vehicle to drive any more is the most difficult part of things for me. The aspects of no longer having any freedom & being isolated all of the time, is just a big part of my own depression, plus other things that go along with that. The other thing, to change the subject, is that I'm still sick (sinus infection hasn't gone away) & I think I'm also coming down with the flu. I awoke this morning feeling okay. As the day's progressed, I've noticed I've been going to the bathroom a lot (not going to be graphic about it) & my stomach's really upset. It's been "growling" at me, for the majority of the day & I feel like I'm hot then get cold right away. I was going to get my flu shot, this year, since I didn't get it last year, but I haven't been able to shake this sinus infection. They will not give me the shot, until I'm off the antibotics (which was done yesterday) & I'm health enough to get it. So, now I get to have the flu on top of everything else I'm enduring. How lovely to be sick, miserable, & stressed out. Sound's like a great time! Yes, being (extremely) sarcastic here. The bad thing about being sick is there's no one else to care for my boys. I really don't need the flu on top of (all) the other issues/problems I'm contending with right now. I get really crabby, I've noticed, when I'm sick. I never used to be like that. I know for a fact, that my daughter will refuse to come over & help me. She wouldn't want herself to get sick. If she was sick, as she's been in the past, I wouldn't hesitate to help her out though & take care of her dogs for her, until she recovered from it.

You know, I wonder, really, what it's liked to be loved? I mean, even my own daughter doesn't (really) care about me. It's seems to me, I'm more of a "convenient item," to be used, when she's in need of things or "my services." Other than that, when I need something, no matter how minute it may/might be, she can't seem to go out of her own way(s) for me. Guess the door only swings one way in her world. It's amazing to me, when I stop to think about the way(s) I've raised her. I've never "showed her" how to be or become like that or treat anybody/anyone like that. I guess, as usal, I'll manage, some way & some how to get through this myself. Since I guess that's all I really can count on...me.

Dax, Mitza, & Dave86. I deeply & sincerely appreciate the kind postings.
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Old 09-17-13, 12:18 PM   #1597
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You are going through some rough times, so i hope you daughter will become more supportive of you. You deserve it.

straight FromTheHeart.
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Old 09-17-13, 05:22 PM   #1598
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While I'm not feeling (much) better, things are worse for my daughter. The car, that she just purchased a week ago, now needs a new battery & the transmission's slipping;badly. I feel badly that I'm not able to help her out with a new battery. The price I got was only $60.00. While that's (more than) reasonable for it. I just don't have the money to purchase it for her. I don't have (any) credit cards, due to my own (poor) financial situation(s). It really makes me feel badly, that she really does need help, yet I'm unable to do anything or provide her with any help/assistance. It stinks being in my world. I feel like someone's been pounding on my head all day & it hurts. Then, to add to her "wonderful day." The job that she has, that she gave her notice to, for the next job she's starting, just released her today. They said, it was an unexcused absents & gave all her hours to other people. She told me, that she did call in & explain that her battery died. However, they didn't feel that was "acceptable excuse" & she's been let go of. I told her, to call AAA Towing back & get some kind of bill/reciept that they were out to her house, the time they arrived, & what they were called for. Then she can take her proof into the office & show them. That's nothing but a low & cheap way of "releasing" a person from a job!

Changing the subject for a bit. I noticed that I haven't seen her son today. He did offer to mow the lawn for me, when his mother was at work. I did notice, however, that his (recently) x-girlfriend was over at her house & went into it. So, it's one of two things. She either told him to stay in or she's going to "toss" him out on his butt, for talking to me. Next would be that she did have him leave. I'm thinking it's the first "option," due to the fact that she's not been home from work. I'm hoping, honestly, that he didn't get in trouble for the other day. He simply needed something, he saw me, knew I had one, & I was trying to help him out a bit. I sware I dispise that woman, more than I dispise most people I've encountered within my own life. She's a manipulative, decietful, con-artist, & she'll stab you in the back before you even "feel the knife" going in. I should have never gotten to know her. I should have taken the warnings, that other people told me about her, when I moved into this house. I'm going to assume, she's what caused the other people, that lived in this house before me, that she was the cause of their foreclosure. When I ran into the previous owners, many years ago, the story they told me, seems to be the same thing(s) I've (personally) endured with her as well. Now I'm looking at the same (ideal) situation(s) that they were placed into, because of her. Seems a bit too coincidental if you ask me. I dispise what kind of financial situation she placed me into, while she's been doing improvements on her home;constantly.

That brings me full circle to this question;again. When oh when does "karma" or justice prevail? How can you keep doing, what she does to other people & getting ahead? When does it (all) "bite her in the butt?" The other people loved this house as much as I do. However, they lost it, because of helping her. I'm losing it, because of all the monies she & her daughter stole from me. I admit, my gambling did help, years ago. However, I was too ill to even do that. I know she took advantage of me & my "financial gain" at that time, to improve her own life. She had no consideration(s) what it would do (in the long run) to my own. This has been my problem my whole life. I'm taking advantage of, yet I have pay to "seek justice" for what other people have done to me. I still have 2 years left, to go after her. That's a ton of monies that I don't have for an attorney. I know her daughter would tell the truth, as long as the attorney, as well as what I have documented, are "brought" to her attention. Then she'll "sing like a canary" against her own mother! Too bad I don't have the financial resources to do this. It really would make me feel better & knowing that she couldn't get away with stealing from (helpless/sick) people. That bothers me. When people do dishonest things to other people, why are they the one's that have to pay for justice? She has lived & continues to live a good life, while I'm losing all that matters to me, because of her own greed. I even did a search on line for property taxes on the year & the month that she stole that money from me. Less than 1 month later, she paid up her over due property taxes in full. Seems a bit "odd" to me, when she was crying to me, that she was going to lose her house, less than a month prior. She thinks/believes I recall NOTHING from when I was so ill & over at her place. It's intresting, to say the least, what help the internet truly is.

I hope, honestly, that things get better for myself & my health. I can't take too much more of things going awry for me...

FromTheHeart - Thank you for you kind words.
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Old 09-17-13, 05:59 PM   #1599
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I know you feel like you should support your daughter with a new battery, but she is an adult, and needs to take care of herself as well. It seems to me that she's putting all her issues in your lap and expects you to do it for her.. It's not how it's supposed to work... I can understand that you want to help her, though, you're her mom.. But she needs to grow up.. in my opinion..
Sorry you're having such a rough time, Aries.. You deserve better..
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Old 09-17-13, 11:50 PM   #1600
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Mitza - First of all. Thank you so much for your reply.I (do) agree with everything you mentioned in your posting. I guess, since I don't have family, I think I'm supposed to do it all for her, no matter what the "cost" to me is. I ended up putting $20.00 in to her tank today. It was my last monies I have, until I get paid at the end of this month. I told her, I really can't keep doing this. She says she'll pay me back, when her other half gets paid on Thursday. I've heard this 'song & dance' before from her (both of them) in the past, when they were living with me. It's sad for me to say this. I (truly) don't have nor take any kind of stock in what she tells me. I ended up given them what little food I have, since I know that they need it more than myself. They have to work, eat, & she has college classes.

I guess that's what's really bugging me, even further, than what I posted earlier. I keep helping her out. I end up cutting myself, really short, because I do so. When she left here, it was told to her, that she's an adult now & needs to be responsible for her choices/decisions. Personally, I didn't (& still don't) think she was (really) read to move out on her (their) own. Neither one of them seem capable of holding down a job, for long (extended) period(s) of time. It's one "excuse" after another one, as to why they're let go of or changing jobs;again. To me, it's a lack of wanting to take responsiblities for what their (original) choice(s) were. Her father's been backing off the help he used to do in her past. He's already signed for a car & gave her a rent reduction for his place that they current reside in. I think, in my own opinion, that she feels that I or her father need or have to take care of her. The reality of the situation is that we don't. It seems to me, they expect people to feel sorry for them, help them out, & "cry wolf" about having no monies. The problem I have, personally, is that I've seen her "dump" money when she's told me to my face she has none. She knows my own predicament that I'm in. She also knows I get paid (only) once a month. What little I have to live/exsist upon, is being "absorbed" by her (as well as him). No matter how much I've tried/attmepted to 'cut the ties' with any/all financial help, I just continue to burry myself..even further to help her out. I'm suprised though, that they have money for smokes? She went back to smoking & I know for a fact that he doesn't smoke the same kind she does. So, where are they getting "all this money" to buy them?

Right now, I'm just beyond burried. With her (him too) & what help I'm giving them, has just put me futher behind. While I (do) realise I'm capable of saying I don't (really) have it, I just feel it's my "job" to help her, since I never had family to help me. Maybe that's where I'm a bit "messed up?" The choices they made, were theirs & theirs alone. My choices where NOT something that was much choice. I had to deal/contend with things I didn't have in my life. Namely, a family to be supportive, in all areas of my life, not just the finacial part of it. I don't know if that's why I feel the obligation(s) to help her? I know, in all reality, when I need help or a place to live, neither one of them will remember/recall all of the times I've helped them. Her other half, refuses to talk/speak to his parents any more. I guess, he called them, before calling me for help, his father said that he didn't have it & they're broke. The problem is with that, they both got paid, when he asked for $40.00 for grocieries. To me, that's just a crock. His father's extremely selfish. I've seen it on more than one occasion with him in the past. He'll show off (a wad) of money one day, yet say he'll say he's broke within a couple of hours. I know he's doing it, because he wants to spend it on what he wants & not help them out at all. To me, that's wrong on a few levels. His parent's are able to afford more than I could ever dream of having. I've heard all the times they go shopping for clothes, shoes, & out to dinner. I don't do any of that, but yet I'm always asked to help them out. What's wrong with this picture??? The one that can least afford any thing, is the one that's supposed to pay & do it all for them? I just can't & it makes me feel like a failure as a parent....
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