I've been looking for the reasons of why I feel so low most of the time, and I can't find any reasons. I've been through some rough stuff in my life but when I cry (I do that everyday) nothing comes to my mind. It sucks when people asks you why are you crying, I tell them that I don't know and because of that, they think I'm crazy. I'm 26, I've been feeling like this since I was 15, I've been taking antidepressants since I start feeling bad (15), nothing has really worked, I've seen a thousand therapists, I've tried every anti d that's on the market, millions of srhinks. No one has given me a diagnostic, they just listen (ok, they pretend) and ask you for your money, some of them don't even give advice and if they do, it's like so lame ...... I guess that the hardest thing about having depression is feeling lonely. I live with my parents because I don't have enough money to live on my own and besides, living all alone would be worse maybe because I'm pretty self destructive. MY family doesn't give a shit about me but I don't know why I preffer to be close to them. I love them with my life but I'm dissapointed. If I ever have the chance to become a mum, I will NEVER ignore my child's pain. My parents see me crying everyday and they don't do anything. At work it's really hard not to try, sometimes I do but it's so embarassing, many days I succeed and I don't cry, in fact if you saw me you'd be surprised, I always look happy but deep inside I'm misserable and lonely ...... my friends just care about their lives and that's ok because humans are like that, they care about themselves, it's very very hard to find someone who's willing to "be there" most of the people just go.
I am scared, I am lonely and my sadness is getting bigger and bigger and honestly I don't know what will happen. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going crazy, I really don't know what to do but cry ....... I cry on the streets, at home ..... everywhere, I feel so stupid, I feel I should've never been born. I love God but he really shouldn't have given me this life. I know it sounds awful what I'm saying because everyone says life is a gift, well, it's not for me. To me life is a bizarre thing that I will never be able to understand, It's a "journey" where good and bad things happen, but mostly bad things. Pain lasts way much longer than happiness. For some people life is awesome, for me it's just a struggle I wish I never had to deal with. I'm not taking my life because I believe in a god, in a hell and in a heaven. I'll go when God decides, I don't know what else to say ....... everything's a blur and all I can feel inside my heart is sadness.
Comments would be appreciated
hughs to everyone