trusting isn't easy for me or maybe forgiving isn't
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trusting isn't easy for me or maybe forgiving isn't

This is a discussion on trusting isn't easy for me or maybe forgiving isn't within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; i spazzed out on my bf again today I was fine this morning but then I became suspicious of his ...

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Old 08-21-15, 10:44 PM   #1
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Question trusting isn't easy for me or maybe forgiving isn't

i spazzed out on my bf again today I was fine this morning but then I became suspicious of his tardiness from work to home. I asked him why and like always we end up arguing. at this point i feel depress not because of our situation but because of myself, how I handle things, the distance I make but yet I want to talk to him about how I feel about myself and how I feel scared and alone. but of course I can't talk to him about "him", he'll go on defense even though this time I want to talk about me, how I dislike how angry I feel, how enraged my emotions can get and how negative my train of thoughts have been these pass two weeks, he'll think I'm attacking him again with my words so I rather not cost him more pain. whether he cheated or no, whether he's innocent or not, i do not like this battle inside.

its like I'm seeing him in two different versions and my mind and heart haven't agreed which one to to believe in.

I know it can be just a time lapse, traffic problems like he said, (I'm definitely not listening to the excuse that he was taking his time because he has a fast car and does not ever drive slow) by the way that excuse just made my suspicions worst...sigh

he keeps saying its ignorance how I think. I don't get that. I told him its normal to question when you have logic, clear logic during relationships.

Here's the thing, he came home 21 minutes late. its takes 5mins to get home from the job 8 mins because of traffic or talking ( I use to work there so I already now the traffic, bumps on the road, the whole experience) he showed me a bank receipt that showed it toke him 12 mins to get to the bank from the job, but yet he got here from the bank (which is farther then the job and house) in just 8 mins...so common sense is, it toke him way to long to go the bank after he clocked out, until this hour he haven't given me a straight answer. I have proof this time and it sucks but what sucks more like I mentioned before is, I don't like this battle within.

I want to believe I'm crazy but I can't. I want to say its because I'm going to get my period soon and that's why my mind is so negative but even so, I might be looking at the beginning of a cheating pattern or something else that's not good and I feel depress. I dealt with depression for so long but I can say I conquered it for years because I've learned how to redirect the mind and open up to ppl who won't judge me and cares about me and now, in a 4 month relationship, it keeps coming and going like before. I want to say this is normal and especially for a women who mood changes because of her menstrual but this time there's un-denying evidence that i might be on to something that keeps cluttering my mind, thing is I'm not depress because a possible breakup, (i'm quick to call it quits and be head strong during the process)...i think my big issue is how lonely I feel, and how recently I been acknowledging when and how loneliness feels like. Its still odd to me that I picked up I'm feeling lonely when I'm with someone even though I have doubts. I understand I want to talk to my one and only friend but i feel like all i do is talk about us when we talk, i do want to walk around but i'm afraid i'll randomly cry and its night and dark outside (don't want to be a target)

This is what I would like to tell him:

There's a part of me that believe your innocent and because of that I feel regretful how I question you but there's a part of me that needs to consider you're lying and meeting with someone else or doing something else you shouldn't be doing and I shouldn't believe I'm acting crazy (like you want me to believe) because if truths comes out later that you were then i had every right to think the way I do and expect the way I been expecting something is off. So because of all this battling inside, I rather just brake it off. but there's a part of me that doesn't want to but until then I just want the truth of the time lapse. I just want the truth whether you were doing something or not, I just want to understand whats going on because the excuses doesn't seem or feel legit and I don't want to live like this, I don't want you to live like this if you're innocent.

smh, I'm so depress that I didn't cook today, I have no desire of cleaning up. I don't even have a desire to drown my thoughts in a tv show or in a video game, I don't even have a desire to talk to God and allow him to give me peace and trust the truth will come out, I don't have a desire to talk about it to my closet friend, and I don't even have a desire to take a shower(now I know I'm depress) sad thing is tomorrow i might wake up completely cool and that's what makes me question "was this just another "bi-ploar" episode again or menstrual period melt down again and if so, it makes me want to spare him the heartache and makes me believe that its best to stay single and not allow anyone to be with me because I'm not healthy to be with..even if he is guilty of something, I feel like I could of communicate it better and even still this constant battle of trust is driving me to the nut house, something got to give :(

Last edited by Forest; 08-22-15 at 07:37 AM.
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Old 08-22-15, 03:36 PM   #2
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You sound just like me when im in a relationship. Its impossable to know what is going on in someone elses head and i get mega paranoid. But sometimes my paranoia is actualy my intuition telling me that something is amiss.
BUt the more you think about it the more it will mess with your head. YOu wont be thinking clearly if your obsessing about it. You cant really know whats going on if he doesnt tell you. I think personaly its not that long a time to be absent for .
I dont suppose he could do much in that amount of time really. But i dont know if hes cheating or not but all i can say is i do know the rollercoaster of emotions when you are in a relationship.
Me personaly i steer clear of them. Cos i just cant handle the drama. But if i ever found anyone who was healthy emotionaly i would go for it. Alot of people arent health emotionaly and make comunication hard.

Only you can deside if the loneliness is worse than being with someone and all the inner battling you do when something suspicious happens. It depends how much you love him and how bad the loneliness is when you are not in a relationship. You could write him a letter or something that way he wont feel so confronted and he can read it in his own time.
Im sorry your depressed its no wonder though with all this going on inside you. I know how horrably painful it is to be upset like this.
Keep strong Let yourself have a bit of peace if you can. If he is cheating it will eventualy come out anyway so you dont need to torture yourself now.
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Old 08-24-15, 08:04 PM   #3
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As hard as it is I think you need to work on yourself in that way.. thinking it through down to the minutes like that.. that's really not healthy. And if he was doing something I think he'd have left you, knowing that you watch him that closely..So it's insecurity and stuff. have you seen a therapist or doctor?
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