Was too depressed to even come to TTL
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Was too depressed to even come to TTL

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Old 06-24-19, 07:17 AM   #1
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My life has changed for the worst drastically in the last year.

It has never been perfect, and I am prone to depressions, but last year, one day it just went spiral to the rock bottom (idk if I reached it yet).

I was told, someone might have put a spell on me.
I did a ritual to call out that person, whoever did this.
Within 9 days the person will come to your door and ask for forgiveness and you’ll know.

I did this. And whoa...my half sister called (she lives in a different country, she won’t be able to come by the door). We haven’t talked in at least 6 months. Just casual msgs on holidays. Never really had a relationship.

She sounded apologetic for bad relationship or something, trying to establish connection.

I figured that was her. Blocked her.

I was feeling so much better in all ways. My finances got better, my job was well....for about a month.

Then something happened again. And I got that dark could over me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t think straight at all. My brain is fogged.
The other day I broke a glas, stepped on it and didn’t notice how I bleed out all over the carpet, bed and everywhere I walked until I had a dream later that night, that my foot had a bandaid on it and I woke up and realized how bad it was.
Like where was my conscious when that happened? As if I walked around half unconsciously in a deep deep dark cloud...

Idk if all of that is true with the spell and all.
But my life has never been so bad.

One day I found myself googling what was the most efficient and probable way to suicide.

Then I thought: my God, what am I doing???

My dreams have been shuttered.

I only aged. I am a total loser and failure.

I asked my mom for financial help (considering that I’ve been paying for her vacations for the last 10 years, bought her iPad iPhone and whatever she needed, even a condo by the ocean, where she vacations half a year).

Her response was: I can’t help you (she has the means). She doesn’t want to. She is a narcissistic evil human being, who only had me to raise a slave to herself. She offered to sell my condo. To do that I have to have the money to travel there and through the process. Which I don’t.

Lonely lonely place I am in.

I tried that hotline msgs, volunteers work there. Not much help (I bet some of them are much younger- less wiser). Tried to find a therapist, came across some nasty people.

Was sitting here now. Thinking. Who do you talk to, when you have nobody? Can’t call my ex, his only talk will be that I need to quit everything and go back to him. Can’t call my mom, she will be saying: you should have done this, you should have done that, yet when I ask her for advice, her response is always: idk what to tell you.

Oh well...may be soon there will be a war or some cataclysm, and I’ll be lucky to die...
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The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 06-24-19, 07:27 AM   #2
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I just saw that I registered here 4 years ago...

4 years is not that long, yet it feels like it has been a whole eternity between now and then. As if I was a completely different person, someone else...naive, hopeful, still believed in good, in people, I just thought I had to find the right ones...

All of this is gone.

Only left pain, indifference, numbness...

How do you cope with being a loser?

I've been one of the smartest people in school, in college, had special awards and recognition, how did I end up here: nowhere, in a shithole of broken dreams and hopes...where did I go wrong (I know where) but how to fix it now? IS it even possible?
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 06-25-19, 07:46 AM   #3
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@in Search..good to see you posting again..TTL is on very low energy regarding postings..
i cannot understand that such a good forum gets so little interest
it's no fault of the mods at all...it's US who have to post..regarding your depression issues...none of us know exactly what a depression can do to any of us,there are different issues and circumstances which can involve feeling down being it family matters,relationships,job and the workforce or just a feeling of worthlyness which can overcome all of us because we live in a difficult world=the rat race,the attention issues,money,we all are and feel different==point is==we should make the best out of our existence..me myself i believe in good vibes,pleasure,fun,the hedonist feelings and up till now it has helped me to lead a life where i can say..awwww...i go on in life that way..
to you in Search...i wanna say==don't give up...fight back...show us you CAN fight==show us nobody can get you down..take care...
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Old 06-25-19, 11:39 AM   #4
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Thank you tiger lover 🤗 I am glad you are around. It feels good to see someone I recognize from long time ago.
__________________
The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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