I've been rather depressed over my mother not having as much money as before and it seems like my prayers aren't helping at all. It's like God doesn't care. Plus, this brother of mine went to town which was fine but he asked to drop him off in town so that he could walk home. We found him walking the sidewalks late at night only to find out he was going to go to a priest. I'm starting to feel kind of hopeless in a way like it'll never get better you know. Mother picked him up when I happened to see him and then he asked to be let out and was saying he would try to open the door to our vehicle while it was running. I advised him it was a bad idea. Thank God he didn't do it. He just hated it when mother lit in on him about it. I got a scratch off to kind of cheer myself up a little bit. It was nice to get a free ticket but I would loved to have gotten quite a bit more money. I'd love to see something good happen to offset my sadness. I can't even bear the thought of even thinking of the next year. I shudder to even think about it. I wish God could make something work out that would help a great deal but sadly he seems pretty oblivious. It's like he's turned a blind eye.
I don't even care to pray because I realize it hasn't helped much at all. I might worship with others but unfortunately he can't seem to do much of anything I guess. I don't see the point of going on. Sure I might try but I should probably expect not to be happy again for a while. I know God says I'm not powerless. Part of me really doesn't believe it because well, I haven't seen God come through in this aspect that has me feel such despair. I feel more despair than hope over the future. I don't know. I'm starting to feel rather disappointed that I'm still around. Sorry to say. I wish I could turn this around some way. I have had to take breaks from the internet because it reminds me of how much my life sucks and how I'm not really a part of things and what little value I have and what little I have to offer. That's how I see it. I can't even feel the love of God much and part of me is thinking that I should just forget about it. It seems like that God will lose and the devil will win. laughs. That's how pathetic it all is. I don't see the point of sticking around if I'd be more likely to get old and bitter. I have little of my past I would give a damn to look back on. I felt desperate to relieve the pain but it might get to the point when I might not care to try.