Things seem to get worse.
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Things seem to get worse.

This is a discussion on Things seem to get worse. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I've been rather depressed over my mother not having as much money as before and it seems like my prayers ...

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Old 08-21-21, 09:34 PM   #1
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I've been rather depressed over my mother not having as much money as before and it seems like my prayers aren't helping at all. It's like God doesn't care. Plus, this brother of mine went to town which was fine but he asked to drop him off in town so that he could walk home. We found him walking the sidewalks late at night only to find out he was going to go to a priest. I'm starting to feel kind of hopeless in a way like it'll never get better you know. Mother picked him up when I happened to see him and then he asked to be let out and was saying he would try to open the door to our vehicle while it was running. I advised him it was a bad idea. Thank God he didn't do it. He just hated it when mother lit in on him about it. I got a scratch off to kind of cheer myself up a little bit. It was nice to get a free ticket but I would loved to have gotten quite a bit more money. I'd love to see something good happen to offset my sadness. I can't even bear the thought of even thinking of the next year. I shudder to even think about it. I wish God could make something work out that would help a great deal but sadly he seems pretty oblivious. It's like he's turned a blind eye. I don't even care to pray because I realize it hasn't helped much at all. I might worship with others but unfortunately he can't seem to do much of anything I guess. I don't see the point of going on. Sure I might try but I should probably expect not to be happy again for a while. I know God says I'm not powerless. Part of me really doesn't believe it because well, I haven't seen God come through in this aspect that has me feel such despair. I feel more despair than hope over the future. I don't know. I'm starting to feel rather disappointed that I'm still around. Sorry to say. I wish I could turn this around some way. I have had to take breaks from the internet because it reminds me of how much my life sucks and how I'm not really a part of things and what little value I have and what little I have to offer. That's how I see it. I can't even feel the love of God much and part of me is thinking that I should just forget about it. It seems like that God will lose and the devil will win. laughs. That's how pathetic it all is. I don't see the point of sticking around if I'd be more likely to get old and bitter. I have little of my past I would give a damn to look back on. I felt desperate to relieve the pain but it might get to the point when I might not care to try.
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Old 08-24-21, 10:45 PM   #2
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I'm glad that things are finally looking a little bit money wise. I realize it can take a month or two to make some more money that mother needed. I had self hate and wanting to 'go' thoughts even today after I got some hurtful comments. My only happiness was treating myself and having some money. That's about it. I am in a rather brooding state and not feeling very trusting of this brother of mine anymore.
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Old 08-30-21, 09:19 AM   #3
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I had to get mother treated for an infection and I have felt more hated recently. Part of me is hoping I'll feel more hopeful again but I'm seeing little hope of life improving. It's like I have helped others and all but it seems like life just doesn't like me very much. laughs. the cat threw up all over the floor after me feeding her. I feel like I just hate everything right now. I'm not happy at all and i just hate life. I'm lucky it has treated me with some decency at all. laughs. today is no fucking different at all. Hoping that my hope will increase again. I feel rather hopeless about life, and I can't seem to fucking make it all better. It's like I'm just mad at God and life. Why do I bother sticking around?
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Old 08-30-21, 09:35 AM   #4
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I kind of hate myself at the moment because I feel more hated instead of loved, and I feel like I have kind of failed at life and accomplished little. It seems like I'm kind of hopeless when it comes to making anything good happen that I want to happen, and plus it seems like that I'm just not a happy person others would want to hang around. I feel like there's little hope for me. my dreams seem to confirm it too. That's why it's hard for me to hope.
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Old 08-30-21, 10:15 AM   #5
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This one brother I'm with wants so badly to get a paying job and he's rather unhappy that he has little money, and I just know he doesn't want to hang around here all the time. He'd rather be out and away from us as soon as he gets this one room fixed up. I feel like he's already sick of me, and I'm the one he takes his discontent out on. I wish so much he could find a job so I feel more of a sense of hope.
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Old 09-17-21, 09:56 AM   #6
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I'm lucky to have any good news at all. I felt warned in a dream that mother's infection could lead to shock and that I should be watchful. Also, I dreamed I was venting my problems to people I didn't know and that I was having to be so very careful.
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