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This is a discussion on Suffer within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; As hard as it is to put my swirling thoughts into some sort of coherent rant it's even harder to ...

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Old 11-08-13, 09:31 PM   #1
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As hard as it is to put my swirling thoughts into some sort of coherent rant it's even harder to type this. To stare at the words in the text box and not back out, to not simply press the little 'x' at the top of the page and bury it because other people have real problems and I hate to sound like I'm whining. But here it is, a clustered but long thought out description about me, and my black cloud.

I would begin with 'it all started when' but it doesn't really have a beginning. I just recognized that gradually my feelings shrived up and faded away. Sitting at my sculpting desk where previously there had been an outpouring of creativity and talent was now replaced with disinterest and boredom. Just sitting, rolling lines of clay over and over before putting it away and telling myself I'll feel like art tomorrow. Tomorrow yielded no better results, nor the days and weeks that followed. Nothing amused me any longer, sculpting didn't make me happy nor did any other activity I once enjoyed. Sure I could do these things, but inside I felt hollow and bored. My art stagnated and died. I wasn't concerned at first, I thought maybe my lack of excitement was merely me growing up, but even adults have things they like, activity's they enjoy and are passionate about. I noticed I stopped caring. In a way it was good, any insults pitched at me rolled off my new found shield of disinterest.

Eventually the novelty wore off and it began to be a bad thing. My lack of feelings made it hard for me to distinguish what conversation topics were appropriate or not. I forgot that unlike me people around me still had feelings of some kind and certain topics may have best been left avoided. I started to find that communication was irritating and exhausting, opting to just be alone or to avoid conversation when possible. Other things began being affected as well, like my concern for personal well being.

Growing up I had a deep anxiety about illness and dying. It would sometimes keep me inside for being too afraid to leave the house. It followed me well into adulthood in that I never really grew out of it. But then I started taking risks and doing other things that I never would have before. My turning point came when I took some medication for some really bad cramps I was experiencing, along with a throbbing headache and had a bad reaction. Truth be told, I honestly thought I was on my way out. As I made my way to my bed to try and sleep it off I found that I wasn't terrified, as I would have been before. The idea popped up and suggested I could be dying. I laid down, and was glad. When I woke back up I had a slight pang of sadness that I had in fact woken up. I guess that's when I really started thinking something was terribly wrong.

A long time ago I used to think being depressed was being perpetually sad. The reality is that depression isn't the presence of something, it's the lack of anything. The lack of excitement, the lack of hope. Drowning while everyone around takes deep breaths and asks why you don't just take a breath and relax. But when you try your lungs fill with saltwater and you try to tell them but they tell you you're overreacting and to suck it up. It's not living, it's merely surviving because death would inconvenience someone and that's the last thing I would want. And it's not that I want to die, I just can't bear the thought of continuing to live this way. I want so badly to sit and sculpt, to enjoy the things I once loved. In their place is a void, a dark cloud that follows me wherever I go.

I know now that depression isn't just being sad, to have depression is to suffer. We suffer every day because life beats us over and over, and a lot of the time we're too afraid to leave it.

Last edited by Cushi; 11-08-13 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 11-08-13, 09:50 PM   #2
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Hi comet.. You're not whining.. Not at all.. *hugs*

What you wrote it just beautiful.. If you don't feel like an artist with your clay at the moment, you still have it in you.. It shines through what you write here.. Yes, it is about something terrible.. as depression is, but you are able to express it. Thank you for that.

I hope that writing here can help.. Because we're many people here who have been lost in the fog of depression and that see that there's a way out. It might take a lot of strength, it might take a while, but it's there.. And you're not alone.. Welcome to us.

*hugs*
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Old 11-11-13, 04:01 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mitza View Post
Hi comet.. You're not whining.. Not at all.. *hugs*

What you wrote it just beautiful.. If you don't feel like an artist with your clay at the moment, you still have it in you.. It shines through what you write here.. Yes, it is about something terrible.. as depression is, but you are able to express it. Thank you for that.

I hope that writing here can help.. Because we're many people here who have been lost in the fog of depression and that see that there's a way out. It might take a lot of strength, it might take a while, but it's there.. And you're not alone.. Welcome to us.

*hugs*
Mitza

What she said.

People without depression don't understand how hard it is to even get up in the morning. What you wrote defines it perfectly. Thank you.

Good luck man!
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Old 11-11-13, 07:04 PM   #4
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I don't really what to say comet.. I just can relate to every single word, I can feel them inside..

The first time I remember feeling depressed, I was 3 years old.. I remember having a small backpack besides me, but I don't remember anything about my kindergarten or any of the people in it.. it was just me, with a little blue backpack, and I was sitting on the ground in front of the house, not wanting to go in, not wanting to do anything. I just sat there. everyday since that day has been a struggle for me, And I didn't get why I was so bothered.. everything was fine, but I couldn't just be like everyone else.

I kept telling myself that it would get better later, when I don't have to go to school anymore, when I grow up and be independent... School's over, I grew up, been in and out of love, I got religious, and then abandoned faith, and then found my way back to a bit of it, I did drugs, lots of drugs, I did so much drugs that I have whole years blacked out, and then I got help and became clean.... I tried to fill that void real hard, but still, the one thing that never changed was feeling I'd rather not be here. At first I was afraid I'd go to hell if I kill my self, and when I overcame that I feared the pain, and now that I have the knowledge and resources to make it swift and painless, I'm still back at square one.. I'm back again where I was 15 years ago: Hoping that all this aching will disappear and I'm going to be happy in a while. and wishing, or praying every night before I sleep that I'd never wake up, and every time I open my eyes I get this instant sense of frustration, disappointment and despair..

Just keep on surviving comet, hang in there.
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Old 11-11-13, 08:21 PM   #5
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Regarding "whining" and "real problems", I find that one of the hard things about being depressed is that feeling that you don't have a good enough reason to feel this way. I once heard a guy on a radio call-in saying that people who are depressed need to look around them and see how lucky they are and snap out of it. I cringed for every listener who was suffering with a mood disorder. I think that summed up a big misconception about this illness. I've looked at it that way myself in the past but I see it differently now. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. Your mood has been dialed way down, and it's hard to function like that, regardless of how "real" your problems are. I'd rather be highly motivated with a big problem than depressed with a small one.
I'm not an expert, just another sufferer, but I've been through this enough times to believe that the day will come when that mood knob gets turned up again and I'll feel motivation and interest and joy again, though the wait can be truly unbearable. If I had really good advice how to get there I guess I wouldn't be on this forum. Try to keep moving. Don't shoot yourself down when a little optimism creeps in. It may not feel like progress but you may find that you're functioning, then you're starting to live again, and then the little bugger in your head who turned down the mood dial will decide you're ready to be a caring, compassionate artist again and he'll turn it back on.

P.S. ICanBeatThis doesn't mean I'm any more proud or powerful than anybody else but there's something to be said for forcing a little optimism where you can, when you can.
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