This is going to be a long post, after bottling up everything I went through, I've decided to find a place where I can share my story. After every negative experience I had, I try to just forget it and live through it, mostly because I feel guilty and am afraid of being seen to be just complaining.
I'm almost 21, male, confused about my sexuality and dropped out of college with no ambitions. Moved to Australia from Singapore when I was 10 and looking back, I've been mostly miserable for the past 10 years.
I was sexually abused by my brother since I was 8 and it became even more often when we lived in Australia til I was about 16. The worst part of it is that I feel guilty for 'enjoying' it at that time, but I grew up to hate him most of the time. I looked up to him when I was younger which was probably why I 'enjoyed' it, however, after looking back, I've realised how mistreated I was. I sometime even wonder if this could play a reason about me being confused about my sexuality.
Moving to Australia wasn't easy for me. I didn't feel like I fit in at all during most of my highschool years. I was a very bright and social child while I was in Singapore, however after having to lose friends from moving countries, then moving schools halfway through highschool and also my chinese school, I lost motivation to connect with people. Though one day I met someone whom I eventually became close for about a year, our friendship eventually fell apart due to my growing feelings towards him and me somehow becoming extremely awkward, especially during a time when he was in need. He then cut contact with me and avoided me. It was after this, I felt extremely alone. The rest of my highschool days was mostly me winging through highschool while getting into the frequent use of pot.
I eventually graduated and got into college when I was 17. Hoping life would change this time. I did relatively well in my first semester, but still yet to make any close friends. I found myself to be extremely shy and it was incredibly hard for me to hold onto a conversation without feeling awkward. Halfway through the first year, I turned 18, I then started to go to nightclubs. I've met quite a lot of people during this period, though noone I would deem to be a close friend, or even really a friend to be honest. I then started to take more drugs at this point. I also met a group of people who became extremely close to me, because they became the first people, whom is a group of two lesbian couples, that I eventually express my sexuality to. I even manage to tell them about my experience that I abused by my brother.
When I was 19, I was at the point of abusing drugs, taking it almost twice a week. It was also then, I stopped going to school. All I look forward to was going out on the weekend and seeing this group of friends and taking drugs together. It gave me a sense of happiness and it felt like the void inside of me was filled.
I then met a guy who eventually became my boyfriend. Life seem good at this point, I even came out to my mum, though she didnt took it too well at the start, but eventually she got over it. I couldn't come out to my dad because of the relationship we had (we have had several major fights) and also mum told me not to. 6 months later, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was extremely sad, however one of the friend from the group was extremely caring at this point. I then grew tremendous feelings towards her. We connected so well and I even felt like our thoughts were so similar. I genuinely thought she was the soulmate I waited for all these times. However she was in a relationship and I felt ashame to even have feelings for her.
One day, her relationship seem to be going downhill, she also said some things that I thought was hinting at me that she liked me. She even said "how I wish my girlfriend was more like you". Eventually she told me that she might break up with her girlfriend. However, she didn't. I was extremely confused at this point and I just kept my feelings inside.
It was one day, when the group was together taking acid and ecstacy at one of our apartment, I decided to come out to her about my feelings when we were alone. It didn't end well. Instead of directly rejecting me, she said something like "I like you but I'm not ready", "feel free to talk to me". I then told her about how depressed I am and I can see myself killing myself. Shortly I couldn't stand my emotions anymore and just left the apartment without telling anyone. I cried while I was in the car and received texts from the rest of the group telling me not to do anything stupid. It was then I realised, that the girl I liked had told the group what I said to her, including her girlfriend. I then had symptoms of psychosis when I got home, hallucinating voices and music that was playing at my friends apartment, freaking out when I was in bed.
This led to a fallout with me and the group. The group decided to exile me after what I said and done, especially about how I would have feelings over someone who were already in a relationship. The group also told me about how the girl told the group, about how disgusted she felt when I told that I loved her. I became extremely sad at this point and often had suicidal thoughts. I decided to see a doctor soon after and told the doctor about my drug abuse and how I was rejected by a girl when he asked if there was relationship involved. I also told him about the psychosis episode that I experienced. He then told me that he would contact me in the following days and connect me with a organisation that deals with youth depression. However, I did not receive the phone call and I decided not to go back because I felt guilty and told myself that I don't really have an issue.
6 months went by, I rarely leave the house other than to go to work and I've cut down my drug use drastically. In between that, me and my brother had a fight and I told my mum about how my brother sexually abused me when I was young. She tried to brush it off as that me and my brother were young during those days and that he didn't know what he was doing. (my brother is 4 years old than me) She offered to find me help, but I declined after how guilty I felt, letting this secret out about my brother, even though I spite him.
Then one day, the group fell apart between the two couples. I then somehow started to talk again to the girl that I used to like, just when I felt like I am close to getting over her. She told me about what had happened with the group and I was there to console her. We became close friends again and somehow her girlfriend seem to even forgive me. She even told me that she wished we had never stopped being friend and that she was sad to lose me as her bestfriend at the time. I'm not too sure if this was because she feels lonely now that she also had lost the group and told me that she has no friends, even though she still has her girlfriend. We would occasionally go out on the weekend and spend some days together, but never without her girlfriend around.
Now here I am, after a night of with her and her girlfriend, going to an event and then eventually taking more drugs again at my place. I am so confused once again. She seems like the only person that I can really be open about and is always so nice at the same time. Yet I know if I start to grow feelings again for her, I would only continue to feel miserable.
I still long for the day where I can meet that someone who can help me get over my loneliness and the past that I have went through.