So calloused and sore
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So calloused and sore

This is a discussion on So calloused and sore within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Disclaimer....Please forgive my ramblings. I am not thinking clearly.... I have always struggled with depression. It runs in my family's ...

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Old 04-27-12, 11:01 PM   #1
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Disclaimer....Please forgive my ramblings. I am not thinking clearly....
I have always struggled with depression. It runs in my family's blood with the same intensity as the drug addiction and alcoholism. Normally I can manage a semblance of a normal life even with my overwealming feelings of hopelessness and loss. Sometimes, such as today, it brings me to my knees. I have tried calling various friends....exercised, taken up new hobbies, read books, basically tried to distract myself with all manner of things, yet here I am posting to a bunch of strangers hoping for some shred of recognition.
I am sure my depression has caused me to ruin relationships with those i love and has led me to date and even marry a girl that put me through years of abuse and neglect. It has been 6 years since my marriage ended. I didn't realize at the time how badly I had been damaged. I entered a couple years of pure debauchery where I slept with any girl that came my way. I unfortunately hurt someone pretty bad emotionally in the process. 3 Years ago I met a girl who I fell in love with, but due to my issues, she eventually tired of dealing with me and left. I have missed her every day since. Today I discovered she moved several states away. recently, I was dating another rather abusive girl who I got pregnant. In january we lost the baby. It was a girl. I know it. She was almost 12 weeks pregnant. We couldnt recover our relationship after that, and even though we spent a few weeks trying, eventually we called it a final goodbye.
I am so tired of dealing with so much loss and pain. I am starting to wonder if I would be better off dead (excellent movie by the way) or maybe I should just be institutionalized. I find no relief amoung my peers and have entered a period where no girl seems interested in me at all. I am so lonely and tired. I try all the great sayings like "you have to love yourself" or "be patient you will find someone" but every day i grow older, and more cut off from those around me. I am looking for escape from everything. Looking for jobs overseas so I can get away from this country and try again. I don't know if that is the answer or not. But I can't continue to live like this. It will be the end of me for sure.
My heart breaks over the loss of my marriage.
My heart breaks over the loss of a girl who I still miss to this day and who I am nothing more that a distant memory to.
My heart breaks over the loss of my child and the woman who was to be the mother.
I don't know what else to do.
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Old 04-27-12, 11:11 PM   #2
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Hi and welcome to TTL

I'm sorry that you have been through so much pain. It sounds to me like you are a kind and caring person. You say that you were abused and neglected in your marriage, so losing it doesn't sound like a bad thing to me, especially if no kids were involved. I'm sorry that you got your heartbroken by that other girl too. I don't know if this will comfort you, but you were able to fall in love, so you will be able to do it again. At least you aren't hoping for something that has never happened, right? Personally, I don't think going to a different country will solve your problems. I think that you have to face them and not run away in order to get better, but that's just my opinion. Have you every considered therapy? Or maybe even mention to your doctor how you are feeling and ask for his advice? Take care!
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