So angry with myself
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So angry with myself

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Old 01-04-11, 08:32 PM   #1
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Default So angry with myself

I am so lazy I don't do anything anymore. I basically wake up in the morning, check my phone, go on the internet and that is me done for the day. I should be going to university. I went in for the first two weeks and haven't been in since. I have completely ruined my whole first semester. Now of course I haven't done any assignments or any work to speak of. Now I won't do anything about it because I don't want to face up to what I have done, I can't face programme leaders or lecturers who I do not know judging me for essentially ruining my education. I live at home and no-one even knows that I haven't been in uni since the beginning. I hate myself for what I have done, I have let myself down. But more importantly, I have let my mother down. She works 9 til 5 in a job she hates and she can barely keep the roof over our head. Meanwhile I do nothing all day, I don't even wash a single dish! She has done everything for me to have a good life and she hasn't even realised what a failure I am about to become. When I was younger I was a popular kid, I was great at sports and found academia a doddle. I didn't have to put any effort in at all and I was good at whatever it was. Now I am 19 with no skills and no education. How did it go so wrong? I am so angry with myself but no matter how much I beat myself up inside I still don't do anything about it.
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Old 01-04-11, 08:58 PM   #2
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Hey, its ok to feel like that when your depressed. I felt the same way when i first started feeling depressed. I was in high school and I just stopped doing all my work and it really hurt my grades. And trust me I know people who went to college and just drank two semesters away and got kicked out and the worst part was they didn't even care. So the fact you care shows a lot. Some people just aren't ready for college right away. It is better to actually figure out what you want to do before you go that way you have motivation to go and do good in your classes. But I do have to tell that sitting around at home not doing anything is not going to help. I have been there and done that. My advice would be just to try and accomplish a single simple goal everyday. I'm not talking about running a marathon or writing an essay on physics. I'm talking about something small like taking a walk for 20 mins, clean your room, or talk to your mom. Something really small and that doesn't take a lot of energy. I think you would be pleasantly surprised how accomplishing just a small goal improves how you feel.
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Old 01-04-11, 09:44 PM   #3
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I have a daughter who is nearly 19 and is 'in the wind' Absolutely no direction whatsoever and no skills. I have tried a number of ways to help (some very unhelpful too!) but as yet, it has not yielded results. But under the anger, frustration and sense of powerlessness to get my daughters life moving is love. I love her and I know that I am an anchor in her life. Despite what she says and does at times, she is a loving, caring compassionate young woman. so she hangs with the wrong crowd - it doesn't change the attributes that she has. I trust that necessity is more often the mother of invention - which means when something is important enough to you, you will get up and go and do it - perhaps not without failure or challenge but you will. A tip you should give your mother and one you probably will not is to password protect the computer. While I work, my daughter has no internet access at home. This means if she really wants to chat, she better at least get dressed and go to the library!

Being angry with you is a way to keep yourself down. It is much easier to stay down using anger as a battering ram than it is to actually get up and do something to help yourself. Its hard its difficult but even mothers have been there. Do one thing small today - don't consider the implications of it. Wash a sinkful of dishes, and if you can't manage that, stack them and wipe down the benches. It will help your mum but even more important you would have helped yourself to feel good about something.

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Old 01-04-11, 10:20 PM   #4
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The transition to the Uni can be earth shattering and I can't tell you how many people I know (including myself) go through what you're going through. Change is hard, but you sound like you'd really like to turn the situation around. I wish you strength to start picking up the pieces. We all make mistakes, but still have choices about what to do afterwards.
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Old 01-04-11, 10:44 PM   #5
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i had a similar experience...

i had great grades in highschool, not quite straight As, but close.

then i got to georgia tech. i was suddenly getting my ass kicked (by calculus and physics mainly, and i was always a math/science nerd before). It really sapped my will to try anymore. i did quite badly my first year, & i felt like i'd lost something, some part of me, like a superhero who lost his powers.

i didnt go back after that first year, i got a summer job that evolved into something more resembling a career, and i consider myself quite lucky for it.

but i still feel weird about not finishing school; i always thought i was meant to do college and all that. i sometimes tell myself that someday i might go back, but realistically, i probably never will, and i'll probably be ok in spite of it.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." -Oscar Wilde
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