It's been awhile since I've last been here. It seems to be that my life goes into auto pilot and I'm able to push through the roadblocks. However I've hit a roadblock i'm really struggling with right now. My family and I have been home coming up on 5 years now. I have pursued work in and out of my field. I've worked at jobs in my field and ultimately had to walk away to protect myself and my well being. I had been in professional pursuit of a particular hospital the entire time I've been back home in FL. I would always apply for any and every position I had the credentials for that had an open position posted. After 5 years I FINALLY got the call for an interview. I showed up and it turns out that the person I was due to interview with, had been beaten to the punch by the director of another department I had applied to numerous times. Anyway I did the interview and I walked away feeling very positive. Several weeks had passed. I had tried calling with no luck, emailed with no luck, and nobody would tell me anything. I eventually gave up and tried to put my focus on something else. Several more weeks passed when I was called by the gentleman i interviewed with explaining that the position I applied for had been given to somebody else, however they had another open position in the same department and they were calling to ask if it would be okay to put my application over into that job opening slot. I told them it was fine and they said they would have an offer to me a few days later. Another week goes by and I finally get the offer. I'm extremely interested as it was full health benefits upon start and the best pay I've ever made since I started working in EMS. I ended up having to have my start date pushed back about 2 weeks as I failed my eye test on my physical, Which I knew I would. I get my new glasses and I eventually start the new job. I'm a few weeks into the new job. I certainly didn't expect it to be easy as it's a patient transport position in a hospital that has 4 buildings that are all at least 10 floors minimum.. I stuck it out and did my best with what I had. I have spoken to the gentleman I originally interviewed with about where I'm struggling, Which is trying to remember everything I need to remember with short term memory loss induced by the after effects of being a brain tumor survivor. Anytime I've addressed it to the guy I interviewed with his attitude has gone from extremely understanding like he was when i interviewed with him to just kind of laughing off the situation and telling me I'll get it, I just have to keep working at it. I've spoken to my shift manager and he agreed to give me all the time I need to learn the hospital and all the tunnel systems, which surprised the hell out of me because up until this point the only way i was able to get him to talk to me was if I emailed him first or else he'd rush me right out the door at the beginning of shift with my trainer. He spoke with my second shift manager as he's only got 3 hours or so left in his day by the time I show up for my shift. My 2nd shift manager is great and has been very understanding. I've given it about 2.5 weeks or so and been bounced around between trainers. I spoke to my initial shift manager the other day and told him that I'm severely overwhelmed and that I'm really struggling. I told him that I honestly didn't think I was cut out for this position as with my condition I could be with a trainer everyday for the next 6 months and it wouldn't do me any good as trying to learn the hospital just wasn't "Clicking" in brain and I felt by this time I should at least know how to get to my frequent multiple trips a day destinations, and I couldn't begin to tell you how to get there without looking at my notes. I've been given maps and I even have made myself about 5 pages worth of notes.. The particular trainer Im with now or was with, wasn't any better or worse than the trainer I had before they stuck me with her.. However both my managers had supposedly talked to this trainer and told her that they were wanting to train me specifically for the Emergency Department as everything I need and would be transporting patients to is in the same building and on the same floor as the ER.. She taught me a lot.. However I felt like she was treating me like a child.. She asked if quizzing me would help me. I told her it wouldn't hurt and we could try. But she was quizzing me about stuff and asking me how to find stuff to a point where I didn't have a chance to breathe or properly do my job or watch where I was going. The other day i accidentally smacked an IV pump against the wall or something similar to it and knocked the batteries out of it and almost had a severe meltdown and it took everything I had to not just take off my shirt and my ID badge/tunnel key and toss it on the floor and walk out. I've been told that people come and go in transport and one of the guys I worked with in a different area of the hospital before they transferred me to "strictly ED" transport told me that he's seen men and women alike come in and don't last a shift before they walk out in absolute tears and say they're never coming back, himself included, and he also told me if they gave me any shit to come find him and he'd remind them that it took him 6 months to be able to test out and pass his test. I was very up front and honest with my boss about me struggling.. he asked if I was willing to work 1 more shift with my trainer and I told him I honestly didn't believe it was a good idea as the bad day I had this past Monday, the day I smacked a piece of equipment against the wall accidentally because my trainer wasn't helping me like she should move a hospital bed with a patient in it that takes 2 people to move properly, never mind the fact that there were stretchers lined up and down the wall in the hall I was trying to turn into and Environmental Services was also in that hall with their cart and had ignored me all 3 times I said "Excuse Us, patient transport" and then that's when trying to avoid the stretchers on one side of the wall and trying to watch whatever EVS was doing that I caught the machine on the wall and the batteries or whatever they were fell out of it and crashed to the floor.. Of course my trainer got on my ass and blamed it on me not paying attention and not being "alert" enough, Which is bullshit. I was paying attention, I was alert.. It was literally a hairpin turn into the hallway.. it was either crash the bed with the patient in it, into a wall full of stretchers and risk hurting them, Or hug the wall like I did when i was trying to avoid EVS and ended up taking out the machine. Anyway.. I told my boss I didn't think I was cut out for the position and reiterated and told him about my medical conditions.. At the end of the conversation I have to say he earned my complete and total respect when I went to walk away, he caught my attention and said my name.. I turned around and he walked up to me and extended his hand. I shook his hand and he gave me a smile and said "On behalf of myself personally and on behalf of the hospital, I want you to know what you just did took some serious balls and I can't begin to explain the amount of respect that Myself and the hospital has for you, I don't want the hospital to lose you, I'm going to consult with your other shift manager, and the transport director and we're going to see if we can find you another job, Even if it's just something temporary until a position opens up here at the hospital that you have the credentials for" and I can't begin to explain how much that meant to me and it completely changed my view on this guy as up to this point, Since I only ever was able to talk to him over email and he never let me get a word out when i would show up for shift before rushing me off with a trainer, I didn't have a hell of a lot of respect for what I thought was his character and his personality. Anyway, Getting to more my point.. I had texted my mom during one of my shifts when I was on the verge of a meltdown and told her I felt like I was a fucking idiot and that I couldn't do this and I'm going to end up dropping dead over halfway decent pay. I' also noticed that before talking to my shift manager and telling him I didn't think I was the right fit for this position. I had been noticing some concerning things with my health. My heart would race rapidly, My pulse was pounding, I would go to sleep and wake up and my heart was racing worse than it was before I had fallen asleep. I brought this up to my mom and she got worried and told me if it got worse in the middle of the night, I needed to come wake her up and she'd take me to the ER.. A couple times I went to go wake her up and dragged my ass back to my bedroom and tried to just close my eyes and take some deep breaths and ignore it. It continued to do this for several days.. During this period not only was my heart pounding to the point of me feeling like maybe for once I actually needed to listen to my body as it felt like if I let it keep going the way it was going my mom was going to get a phone call in the middle of the night that I dropped and had to be rushed into emergency surgery due to a heart attack. My heart hasn't been racing or anything since I told my boss I needed to walk away however while I was having these episodes with my heart I also noticed I started to have an uncontrollable facial spasm.. Particularly near my upper lip, to the left kinda right in the flesh between my nose, my cheek, and my upper lip and it would do it nonstop, whether I was resting, at work, or sleeping. I started to worry that "Great I dodged a heart attack and now I'm going to have a stroke".
I know deep down in my heart I made the right decision for myself. However I feel like even though my mom would never admit it, Deep down, if she could. She'd rip my head off for walking away.