So, I’m back here after god knows how long. My medication was going good, life in general was going well, fewer breakdowns, fewer negative days, fewer degrading thoughts. But now I feel like I’m back there again and there is fuck all I can do. I’m at university now, and I’m trying my fucking hardest, yet I haven’t gone to a lecture in five weeks. I have the support of family and my boyfriend, who has experienced depression himself so I’m thankful he truly understands how it feels. Yet I still feel alone.

I’m so angry too. Angry and frustrated that no matter how much better I get I always seem to end up here. Crying so hard I can’t breathe. It feels like a sick joke. I feel better for months, sometimes even a whole year and a half then its like someone slaps me back into reality and I’m back to feeling worthless and empty. I can’t pinpoint when it started to get worse. Its cruel like that. You can’t feel it overnight, you feel it after a few months when its too late to do anything about it. Those bad feelings have already infiltrated every vein in your body. I rarely sleep, my mind is so awake at night. Insomnia and depression and psychosis consume me completely. I barely have one meal a day. I wonder if this is what it feels like when people die. I feel sick constantly. If I sleep, I feel sick, but if I do then it doesn’t go away. Same goes with eating. I honestly feel like I can’t win.

I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. I have no enemies or hatred for anybody but even if I did I wouldn’t wish it on them. How can I wish this war on someone? It’s a constant battle with your mind and you can’t shut it out because its within you. I want to be happy and I try so hard. I don’t just lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself because everyone who has experienced this knows it doesn’t help.

It’s so ironic. You want to stay in bed or in your room or your house cos you feel like it’ll make you feel better, but it never does. It just wants you to feel like that. Your immediate emotion or reaction is that you want to be alone but that’s what your mind wants to. It wants you to be isolated and lonely and helpless because its easier to take you down. Despite how much I’m struggling, anyone who is reading this in the same position as I am, please don’t let it win. Don’t listen to your mind when it tells you it’s easier to stay inside. Don’t listen when it tells you that you want to be alone. That’s not true. War is easier when there’s less to fight. You can’t become less. You can’t let it win. I’ve experienced beauty in my life and amazing feelings. It is possible, despite every inch of your body telling you it isn’t.

This isn’t me giving up. This is me being fed up. Fed up of relapsing, of being back to the beginning, of crying so hard that I feel sick. But I’ve done it before and I can do it again, and so can you. We all can. It doesn’t matter how many times you must start again and say its Day 1 of improvement. What matters is that you keep trying. You raise your middle finger and you say fuck you to the part of yourself that wants you to suffer. Because that isn’t you. And that isn’t what you deserve.

Apologies if this post is confusing or a bit all over the place, I don’t plan them out and just let my emotions run freely and take me wherever I feel it needs to go. Thank you for reading.

Anger is not an easy issue to deal with...we alll get angry at times..
fact is we should deal with it by finding out what causes our anger..
long ago i used to analyse the fact why i got angry,they told me once=write out your anger, get a paper and a pen and write the details of how you feel about a situation and then burn that paper...i did that once but it did not help me out..if an angry situation turns out to get into your system it can cause problems with interacting,job,career,sexual frustration...i believe i wrote somewhere on this forum how i feel about anger,getting angry etc..how do we prick that balloon in ourself called anger?i will come back to this posting later on..

@batflower==i do not think your posting is confusing at all...it might be going bit in the direction of relapsing into an earlier better(or worser?)state of mind in your life...do not worry...it happens to all of us==how about so many people who say==i wanna quit smoking,boozing,porn or game addiction etc..very often these kind of situations turn into a relapse issue..point is if one blames oneself for the fact a relapse is taking place..then we blame life..if bad feelings rule someone's daily life then it's often an alarm signal to take action to turn the situation around into a better one,is it not?lack of sleep,anxiety,anger,frustration,distrust,low self esteem,depression etc...are warning signs but most of us do not see them or see them too late.. very often we think we lose a battle in life because we do not have the guts to say to ourself==i am on the wrong way..i must do something myself..depression,anger etc..is just is a state of mind which comes into our way of thinking like a ghost scenario...but very often it's sheer reality..sure...I always go deeper into my own mind and i find a way to heal myself...i do not need shrinks,medicaton,therapy...all i need is self confidence...and the willpower and determination to bring on a change...not easy..but i go for that option..