So, Iím back here after god knows how long. My medication was going good, life in general was going well, fewer breakdowns, fewer negative days, fewer degrading thoughts. But now I feel like Iím back there again and there is fuck all I can do. Iím at university now, and Iím trying my fucking hardest, yet I havenít gone to a lecture in five weeks. I have the support of family and my boyfriend, who has experienced depression himself so Iím thankful he truly understands how it feels. Yet I still feel alone.
Iím so angry too. Angry and frustrated that no matter how much better I get I always seem to end up here. Crying so hard I canít breathe. It feels like a sick joke. I feel better for months, sometimes even a whole year and a half then its like someone slaps me back into reality and Iím back to feeling worthless and empty. I canít pinpoint when it started to get worse. Its cruel like that. You canít feel it overnight, you feel it after a few months when its too late to do anything about it. Those bad feelings have already infiltrated every vein in your body. I rarely sleep, my mind is so awake at night. Insomnia and depression and psychosis consume me completely. I barely have one meal a day. I wonder if this is what it feels like when people die. I feel sick constantly. If I sleep, I feel sick, but if I do then it doesnít go away. Same goes with eating. I honestly feel like I canít win.
I wouldnít wish this on anybody. I have no enemies or hatred for anybody but even if I did I wouldnít wish it on them. How can I wish this war on someone? Itís a constant battle with your mind and you canít shut it out because its within you. I want to be happy and I try so hard. I donít just lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself because everyone who has experienced this knows it doesnít help.
Itís so ironic. You want to stay in bed or in your room or your house cos you feel like itíll make you feel better, but it never does. It just wants you to feel like that. Your immediate emotion or reaction is that you want to be alone but thatís what your mind wants to. It wants you to be isolated and lonely and helpless because its easier to take you down. Despite how much Iím struggling, anyone who is reading this in the same position as I am, please donít let it win. Donít listen to your mind when it tells you itís easier to stay inside. Donít listen when it tells you that you want to be alone. Thatís not true. War is easier when thereís less to fight. You canít become less. You canít let it win. Iíve experienced beauty in my life and amazing feelings. It is possible, despite every inch of your body telling you it isnít.
This isnít me giving up. This is me being fed up. Fed up of relapsing, of being back to the beginning, of crying so hard that I feel sick. But Iíve done it before and I can do it again, and so can you. We all can. It doesnít matter how many times you must start again and say its Day 1 of improvement. What matters is that you keep trying. You raise your middle finger and you say fuck you to the part of yourself that wants you to suffer. Because that isnít you. And that isnít what you deserve.
Apologies if this post is confusing or a bit all over the place, I donít plan them out and just let my emotions run freely and take me wherever I feel it needs to go. Thank you for reading.