I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place here. I really need a friend who can relate to what it feels like. I have loving and supporting family but my dearest and nearest are facing much more important things right now like marriages and pregnancy and new babies. They would hate it if they knew I felt this way and wasn't telling them but I feel they really won't understand and I also don't want to be a burden on them when they have such bigger priorities.
I've been suffering for quite some time now, I've realised that I've been depressed for much longer than I thought and I wonder now when I was last truly happy and didn't feel so insecure and so much self hate. The only thing I can pin point is when I was a child!
Right now I'm really struggling. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster these last few years, most recently I've been in quite a toxic relationship which included him being very possessive, jealous and controlling, made up a lot of accusations and he also invaded my privacy a lot. I began to see a counsellor who told me she felt there was some underlying guilt and that I needed to be honest with her. I opened up and told her my life story as I have nothing to feel guilty about and when it came to talking about him, she pin pointed that he had reflected all of his guilt (from cheating in a past relationship) on to me and I was vulnerable to it as two years prior to meeting him, both my parents suffered with cancer and whilst that was going on, my (now) ex betrayed my trust by dating another women whilst on a holiday and continued to keep in touch with her when I needed his support the most.
I understand that neither of those relationships were healthy and that I should feel grateful that they are now at an end but I just feel so lost.
I feel like I choose the wrong people, I am too trusting because I treat others how I would like to be treated myself and I love too hard. I write this as though they are bad qualities but they should be good things!
I don't want to end my life but right now I cannot see a point or the silver lining to life. I feel like my life is pointless. I hate the bureaucracy at work. I feel that my friends and family don't understand me and have bigger priorities. I feel ungrateful for not living my life and enjoying it, even though my parents were so close to losing their cancer battle which means I of all people should know how precious life is. (fortunately they survived).
I feel that I'm only truly loved by my pets and I wonder, if they had a choice whether to be owned by someone else if they would. I treat them well but animals understand others emotions better than humans and how can they be happy when they can feel my sadness?
I also look around the world, I see our corrupt governments, I see people ruining the eco system, I see selfishness and betrayal, I see war coming, the recent attacks in Manchester and London. Surely this isn't what life is all about?!?!?!?! I feel like things are getting too difficult and it's starting to hurt. I literally feel like something is pressing down on my chest, I'm losing weight (which is probably a good thing) and my stress is giving me stomach upsets.
I just feel so alone. I got through my previous battle with depression through practicing mindfulness but I'm struggling to believe myself that I'm grateful for each day and each sunrise at the moment. I would like to see my counselor again but I can't afford it and the public sector mental health services are awful.
To try and help myself I have been reading positive things and I have been watching youtube about mindfulness, positivity, the law of attraction, minimalism and so on. I find they inspire me somewhat.
If you have read this far, thank you. I am grateful for your time.
I just need a friend. x