Hello readers. Iím writing this in English, because I like it and having some classical music on to let the writing flow! My name is anonymous and Iím having a little struggle in my life right now. Went to jail and to a mental hospital, because of myself of course but also my mom. To the first I went myself, because at that moment three very negative people closed me in in my house and wouldnít leave me alone. They blocked me from closing the door of my room. They are a women and my mother who raised me and my father who came over from Germany just as a Ďstrength pallí for my mother, just so I would talk to her. That moment when I felt so low I saw in her eyes that she liked it and felt powerful towards me. That because I ignored her for a couple of weeks, which made me feel way better, but she didnít like that of course because she had no one no make unhappy or control. Later on when I almost got the girl I liked at school she (probably) lied to the Ďcrises departmentí about locking myself out from the outside world (I was just normally going to school, but locking me from her, yes) and me being violent, which is totally not me. Just once I shoved her away with the door when she was crying on the doorstep of my room just to get my attention, but I didnít let her and just wanted to focus on my music (I compose some ) and schoolwork. But she most certain lied to the Ďcrises departmentí just because she wanted me to talk to her and they took me to a mental hospital for three weeks. I was so scared and sad and angry, because I tried to better myself the last half year, which paid off amazingly towards other people and circumstances, but leading me away from my mother. I had this dream of me and this girl being together and studying for our exams and going together to the high school prom party, what I couldnít do, because I was at this mental hospital. Very sad, but I continued towards the dream of seeing her and saw her at the prom party for like very short, but I was just scared and nervous, as because the ride to there was with the other women who raised me and my father. It was a very stressful ride and period with a lot of negativity, but that couldnít get me down! A pattern that returns over and over is when my mom sees me happy she is not, and when I am sad she is happy. Always. So when I felt like the worst ever in that mental hospital, she was laughing and all happy, probably because she had power over me by putting me in that hospital and seeing me sad. How can you do that as a mother!? So egocentric and selfish. She doesnít what is the best for me but for her. Thatís probably why I was the last 6 years alone at home with no friends and really social contact, but at school. Often in my room and in my bed watching tv or playing on my PlayStation. Didnít pass for my exams and lied to people about me studying and also other things. I was a very scared, negative and stressed person. That girl at school really changed my life. She made me believe in dreams, probably because she was the most beautiful and smartest and fun girl at school who liked ME! So that day before going to the hospital I almost had her in my reach after half a year of looking and liking each other and talking a bit here and there but never approaching each other, probably nerves. I was so happy and then I had to leave her. My dreams back then crushed. I really feel like that girl is for life, because when I looked into her eyes I felt something never felt with any other girl, something so warm and positive as the whole world just got better and my life had a purpose and I saw all people I met and saw laughing.
Right now school is over, exams are over (mines are delayed) and I was trying to work for my tests but my mom repeating im having such a stressfull and sad period and that itís not a good idea to do it, but I just want to move on and get pass my exams! She hasnít changed and is still quiet emotional, negative and lying. Sheís very convincing with her lies and words to others about me. Her actions fail though! Her reality is like also my reality. When sheís sad everybody has a tough time. Very annoying, especially when you are trying your best and she would say: come on, you should really do your best! After all of this that she still has the balls to say that when Iím trying to work for my exams, without really having friends, because I got robbed of time which I could have spend with people and that girl. Also an example that my mother keeps repeating she is worried about me, but she doesnít do shit! Although she things she has done everything she can. Yeah right, good one, having a lazy and lying son with no friends and bad grades. GOOD JOB! You gave it really your all! No no, she doesnít have a job either. She just distracts me so much from the things I want!
But right now Iím having no friends, although Iím good around people, but Iím just scared right now. She makes me feel that way. Almost Always around her some negative emotions come up. I would really like some advice. To go to that girl that I havnít seen for a couple of weeks now. To get rid of the problem of my mom and probably myself. I feel alone, and family rarely checks up on me. But the worst for me is that all the good things I do my mother perceives as bad and she lies about things and is so negative, although she thinks she an angel! Hard to live around in one house, especially when I am not going to school anymore to see those people there. I donít do sports or have a job. Maybe thatís an idea. Or making music with other people. Itís so hard right now that my mother doesnít know whatís best for me, probably because she doesnít know whatís best for her! I asked her about dreams she had and I never got an answer. When I look into her eyes I can just see sadness and desperation. And she telling that she is so happy, CRAZY!
Right now I would just like to have some advice from people outside of my physical reality because I feel like Iím the only one who believes in dreams, very difficult. Also Iím donít feel comfortable talking about other people with this, because my mother would convince them with her lies. I need some help from outside and people who can judge with a brighter vision and mind and who are not influenced by my mother.
Also a couple of days ago, we went to see a cat, I worked and searched and set It all up. Itís a Bengal cat, quiet awesome! So we went there and almost I had the little cat which was so cute when my mother kept saying that the look in the cats eyes was vague and that the cat looked sick, although he was perfectly healthy. Almost AGAIN my dream came to reality of having this cat, when she convinced the buyer of delaying the buy. I was sad and she again felt powerful and all smiling. We went home without a cat! She said to the buyer that she would think about having a cat, although itís my cat. She never talked about it again, two days gone by. She just wanted to feel powerful again that moment. She doesnít care about the cat or me, just herself. I think that I am maybe going rent an apartment. Just for a month or something to get out of her presence. At least I am in the library now out of her presence, but really feeling alone and that no one understand the things I am going through. Thatís why I wanted the cat, to make me feel a bit more relaxed and comfortable and loved.
Also one time, I told my mother I was scared and she gave me a one minute neck massage and then left. Isnít that strange? I think I would be like: Oh! You look sad, letís find you a hobby and some friends and go outside and do something. But nooo. Itís hard, I feel like IĎm on my own. Nobody ever taught me life lessons really, but myself and Will Smith with a couple of videoís on youtube and Eric Thomas, heís the man! About following your heart and working hard to make your dreams become reality. Nobody, yet. Itís hard to do that when you have no friends or people around you who believe in dreams, you live with a negative, lying person (at least she kept me alive! ) at home and because of that you feel scared to approach people, although I am trying right now although that was fine first.
Please give me some advice. Thanks a lot! I think the key is meeting and having fun with other people, approaching the girl, making and sharing music with other people, maybe having a job and do some sport, having a place of my own!
Nobody in real life ever inspired or encouraged me, but that girl gave me fire to live. Really need some support of people who have some experience in life or other people, that would be awesome and great! Thank you!