its been a while since I've come on the forums, I've been away from home for around 3 weeks so far and have been VERY preoccupied.
To cut a long story short, I'm down here (where I'm visiting) as a form of rejuvenation experience...a change of scenery and pace and by extension a step in the right direction in getting over my depression.
I'll say that there have been many positives while I've been down here, for example I've rekindled my desire to get back into video editing, although in myself I feel the same as I have been all along...a nihilistic, moody, agitated and upset young man. Things have only really hit me hard today...I've found myself thinking bad thoughts again and retreating. My older sister (who I'm staying with) has observed that my mood is up and down all the time (hence the name of this thread), I seem to be fine during the beginning of the week and towards the end I come crashing down...I'm going to see if this will be the case next week. I head home this coming Sunday, and I'm looking forward to seeing my immediate family again, but I feel there may be something of an anticlimax....and I deal with anticlimaxes very very badly.
My low mood I guess is exacerbated by a few things:
1. I'm exhausted. I've literally been on the go for the 3 weeks I've been here.
2. I haven't spoken with my girlfriend in several days. This isn't because of a dispute, rather she currently doesn't have access to a computer, therefore no Skype!
This brings me to something else entirely. My girlfriend. I am madly in love with this woman, and she with me. There is however a difficulty - we live on separate continents, however wish to meet one another in person soon. We seem to click, and for the first time in such a long long time I've found something to believe in; our relationship. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes. The fact that I haven't spoken with her for a while is almost nauseating.
The worst thing is, my antagonistic mind tries to downplay the relationship and seek out whatever negatives manifest themselves...this scares me. Its almost as if some part of me doesn't want to feel good. There's always this part of my mind, as I said, that constantly seeks out the negative, its as though I don't feel comfortable with being happy or content, and depression is where I feel comfortable. I hate thinking and feeling like this. I hate it.
I'm about to head off to bed. I've found sleep to be an effective 'kill-switch.' If I feel like crap, I'll go to sleep. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I feel better the next day...not sure about tomorrow yet.