The title is pretty self explanatory. I've been coming to these forums since 2011. I've changed and matured and gone through hell and back many times in those 8 years and still continue to do so today.
As I mentioned, The title says most of what I'm feeling.. I've got a new job. I'm not making the greatest money, but it's decent. I'm not getting health benefits or 401k or any "benefit" or "perk" like I would have gotten if I stuck with the hospital or one of the transport companies I've worked with. My job isn't terrible. It's certainly not a "happy" job, but it's a necessary one. One that will allow me to sling info and advertise my business openly with the assurance that if something comes into the office for my business, I get the job. I guess there's no harm in saying that I'm working at a funeral home about 45 minutes from my house. I'm the lead crematory operator and the lead body pick up technician. I don't know if it's something I want to do forever. I'm not sure if I want to go to school to become a funeral director or get my mortuary sciences degree. But, It's paying my bills for now. So, you're asking yourself, "Where's the issue?". My issue is that even now, with a steady job, one that has allowed me to pay off the $400 some odd dollars I owed my mom for glasses I got for a job that didn't work out, and one that is letting me quickly catch up to/pay off my credit card debt, I'm just not happy. I'm not making the greatest money. I'm making $10/hr and hoping I get at least a dollar or 2 bump when I hit my 90 day mark. The people I work with aren't terrible.. One of the guys is a bit of an asshole, but I've learned how to handle him. I told the owner a few days after I started I wanted to go part time, Which was not received kindly by my GM.. I stuck it out and I guess I can say I'm happy that I stuck it out because I'm now more confident in my skills to operate the crematory safely and efficiently, I know how to do the paperwork I had been struggling with since I started, and other than the 1 guy, I'm really not working with a terrible group of people, Hell I'll go as far as to say I rather enjoy my co-workers.
I'm making decent money, the job isn't terrible, although it's not the greatest schedule, it's tolerable.
I just recently bought an "newer" old/used car.. I mainly bought it because I was driving home from work a few weeks back when I had a freak accident.. The control arm on my axle snapped and sent my tire flying behind me and sent me into a metal guard rail at 35mph and then slammed me into a concrete bridge wall at about 30mph. Had I not hit the metal guard rail before I hit the concrete bridge rail I probably would have ended up in the river and much worse for wear than I am.
My dad keeps telling me that if I lose my job or fall behind on my car payment "it's all you" because my parents can no longer afford to help me if I get in over my head. I'm not happy about that.. I understand I'm 25, but my old man practically forced me to buy from a dealer and then had the balls to tell me if I fall behind on my payments it's all on my shoulders and the only reason he's being that way is because he's a fat lazy useless piece of shit who finds every excuse possible to not go out and work the business unless absolutely necessary. He gets pissed off when I come in from work every night, exhausted and in a bad mood, and has the balls to talk shit to me when I snap or give him and the rest of my family the cold shoulder. Have I had bad days? Hell yes.. But even if it's a decent day, by the time I clock out, drive 45 minutes home, walk in the door, and sit down for dinner, I'm fucking exhausted, pissed off, and I don't feel like playing my father's game of "20 questions" How the fuck does he think I feel? I'm on a completely new schedule, I'm working in a 1200 degree garage with a machine that quite literally cooks humans to ash and a 30 degree freezer for 8 straight hours, Pushing bodies around, cremating bodies, and logging bodies into the system. I want to grab him by his fat fucking head, shake the shit out of him, and be like "I don't know, why don't you take your lazy ass to work and remember what it's like to work all damn day, come home, and listen to everybody jump your shit! No, nothing particularly bad happened, but i'm fucking exhausted!"
My ultimate worry is that I'm going to get stuck in this funeral home forever. Would that be a bad thing? No. Not if I get a raise and make better money than I'm making now. I just don't know if I want to work at a crematory for the next 20 some odd years. I'm only 25 and after all the shit i've been through I think it's safe to say I don't know what the fuck I want out of my life right now. Maybe I will stay with the funeral home forever, or Maybe working here will inspire me to return to school to get my mortuary sciences or funeral director degree.
I just feel like I'm going to get stuck, Especially now that I have a monthly car payment. Do I want to leave the funeral home? No, I don't. But I have now made it, thanks to my dad, where if I ever want to move onto greener pastures and brighter horizons, I pretty much have to work shitty jobs in between to keep my bills paid. Is that such a bad thing? No. Loads of people work jobs they don't like or down right hate. I just feel like at this current point in my life, I don't know what the hell the answer is. I don't know where I belong as far as a career and now thanks to this car payment, I have to tread super carefully if I wanted to look for another job because I can't afford to go through the interviews I've gone through.. Where I think the interview has gone great, told I'm a prime/top candidate, or that "Unofficially, you're the top candidate and unofficially, the job is yours", and then the company goes ghost and I don't hear anything for weeks, months, or ever from them.