New here and not sure of my feelings and what to do regarding them. (Long Post)
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New here and not sure of my feelings and what to do regarding them. (Long Post)

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Old 12-28-12, 10:02 PM   #1
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Default New here and not sure of my feelings and what to do regarding them. (Long Post)

Hello! So I'm new here, and I'm looking for some help. I've wanted to talk to a therapist for some time, but my family think this is a temporary thing. Here is the basics:

Iím tired of everything and everyone. Why do we need to do all the things we do? Itís so pointless. And everyone, I canít help but see their flaws, and once I identify these flaws, these flaws always lead to the people who have them to irritate me. It makes me disappointed in them and tired of society. I canít help but notice everyone is a farce, trying to please others and lying about themselves to fit a stereotype. It disgusts me, and makes me want to give up socialising. (and this is something my mother has talked to me about, I do have very high standards)

The way I recognise these flaws is by analysing people. I tend to (over)analyse people a lot, so I understand them and know how to act around them. Lately, however, Iíve tried to give up the fake laughs and smiles I used to make them comfortable. This is because I am tired of being a farce myself, and of being a hypocrite. They then realise the change and ask the annoying and very common question: Are you alright? (although I feel like they donít really care about me at all)

This irritates me beyond belief. Which is easy to achieve, since I am easily irritable. Even my family has noticed I get irritated by the littlest things. And when in this mood (which is very often) I tend to think very negative thoughts, and even talk badly about these people (who might or might not be my Ďfriendsí). When I cool my head later, I remember the chats Iíve had and the negative feelings Iíve felt (while also remembering the good things the friends did for me previously even if the bad things overcome the good) and feel very guilty. Itís like a cycle, and itís no normal guilt. Itís a guilt that overcomes me like a huge wave, and leaves me feeling worthless, and that I am the one in the wrong even if my friends were the ones that offended me.
I am very emotional indeed. Usually, I am very in control of these emotions thoughómy friends have only seen me crying twice in four years. This control doesnít mean the emotions are gone though. I keep them in my head, which over times means it will obviously break me.

I think showing my emotions leaves me vulnerable. Thus, I usually push my friends into confiding in me but never confide in them. I often give them good advice when they confide in me and keep it secret (I consider myself a loyal friend), but never confide in them. I fear they might tell these to others, and Iíll be left embarrassed.

Also, at times I feel left out. This is mostly my own feelings, as they do include me most times. But the rare times they donít leave me feeling as if they donít feel as strongly about our friendship as I do, and leaves me feeling angry at them. This is what makes me believe theyíre not my real friends and Iím the only one trying hard in this friendship. This is what leads me to these negative feelings towards them, and now I find myself disliking them, although I still keep in their company because I do not want to be seen as a Ďlonerí. Often, I do not want to talk to anyone, but I feel forced to so I can keep up this socialising life. This fear of being alone might link to a previous situation I had in primary school, where I was bullied. I thought everything was fine, until I was informed a girl told others to not hang out with me. Later, in secondary school, I was also bullied again. Things are better now Iíve started standing up for myself, but I feel really lonely and I feel like no one really cares most times.

However, because of all these overwhelming feelings, I wish I did not feel anything. I wish I could feel nothing at all. These feelings tire me, and will only harm my mind if they carry on. They make me feel like the villain, but at the same time makes me feel angry at others. I understand most of these feelings are ignited because of me and me only. But I canít help it. Thus the guilt comes, and itís worse than all the negative feelings put together (perhaps even worse than my anger)

The problem with me is I am realistic. Therefore, all the flaws I notice in other, I also notice in myself. So even though I believe my morals and understanding of others is superior, I often feel inferior about everything else. I do have a very low self-esteem. At first it was about my looks; this went on but stopped two years ago. However, I feel it is starting again. I am getting vulnerable again, perhaps because Iíve held so many feelings for so long. And it is leading me to feel envious of others. Not because I admire themóthey often annoy or disgust me. But because others admire them. I suppose I want to be admired too; to be liked by others. I also feel annoyed others donít see through their farce. I feel particularly envious of one of my friends. She is smart, pretty (often asked out by other boys while Iíve never been), has a bigger house and more friends. She also has a cool older brother who is always there to protect her. But she always complains. She says she understands and feels like I do. She also victimizes herself and calls herself ugly. It angers me so much. If sheís so ugly why do boys ask her out and none ask me? Why does she feel like I do when her life is so much better?
It then makes me feel guilty again. This time not because of just her, but because of my family. I feel envious others have more money. And then I feel guilty about being ungrateful for what I have. My parents are good to me, and they try to please me. They try to get things I want for me. But itís never enough, and Iím never happy. And I feel guilty because theyíre so good to me.

Relating to this, another issue is studying. I used to be quite smart, but now my grades have been dropping because I do not revise. I want to revise and know I should but I never feel motivated. I only carry on because if not, my family would feel like it's their fault I'm like this, and it's not. It makes me feel hopeless about my future. Ironically I wanted to be a psychologist. To understand myself, help myself and help others. But now I canít see a good future for myself. And it stresses me out. I am currently in a holiday, but I am still worrying about schools and my grades. I always worry and this gets me very anxious.

The only reason I carry on is
1) I am scared of death and oblivion
2) I donít want to inflict pain and guilt in my family.

And looking over what I've written, it feels so silly to feel so sad and angry all the time when people have life so much worse.

But I feel so tired. Of trying, of everything. I wish I could just sleep forever. When Iím sleeping I canít feel anything, and I might even luck out and have a nice dream. Iím just so tired of these feelings, I donít want to have them and I donít know how to change them.

Sorry for the long post D:
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Old 12-28-12, 11:43 PM   #2
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Hi there, SilverLucy,

I am also new here, so Hi fellow newbie.

I'm not sure how old you are, although from your post I am guessing that you are somewhere between 15 and 30 years old.

I'm a fair bit older, and have lived through some pretty substantial changes in our society. I would like to offer a bit of insight, that you can take or leave.

You are completely justified in feeling conflicted about popularity and image. It seems that today, the only thing that matters is a person's facade. Hype and self absorbed aggrandizement have replaced honor and character, it seems. Don't buy it.

In my opinion (admitting that I gave up being cool a while ago), you would do yourself a big, big favor by looking past all of the superficial crap. Your worth and value as a person has nothing to do with trends or looks or image.

I'll grant you that my advice may seem old school, but I can assure you as someone who sees the game from a wide perspective, the "new" school gimmickry is always short-lived, and a person's strong character can lead one along a well-lived, rewarding life path.

Don't let the turkeys get you down. Even as they all strut around in a circle of self admiration, they are still turkeys. LIfe is about a lot more than that.

Live a long, happy, fulfilling life. And 50 years from now, look back at those ridiculous turkeys, and bask in the glow of a life that rose above.

Have fun, and be amazing!
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Old 12-30-12, 01:34 PM   #3
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Hi SilverLucy.
I can identify with a lot of what you've written about. You sound like a highly intelligent, very sensitive person, and you are overwhelmed with the sheer volume of your own thoughts and feelings.
Recently I have discovered Mindfulness, a practice that combines eastern meditation practices with contemporary western psychology. It mostly involves retraining your mind to live more in the moment, so that you're not besieged by unmanageable thoughts about the past and the future. You don't need to attend any groups. You don't need to join anything. There's nothing cult-ish about it. The simple meditation exercises can be done in your own front room.
It seems to be working for me. I've had a ghastly month - breaking up with a woman I loved, two major health scare & news that my father has passed away. I won't pretend I'm having an easy time of it but I'd be having a much tougher time of it if I hadn't found out about Mindfulness, which is helping me to avoid feeling overcome with all the painful emotions I'm feeling.
Maybe it's worth a try.
I'm not pretending it's been life-changing. It's too early to say. All I am saying is that it's making a positive difference in my life at a very trying time for me emotionally.
Mindfulness is just one option available to you. But it might be worth trying.
I wish you all good things, Jon

Last edited by Sitrus; 01-28-13 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 12-30-12, 02:00 PM   #4
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Wow, this thread is eerie with how uncannily it relates to how I've felt. And Jon WW summed up the feelings quite well in one sentence. Cheers to you guys for having such a clear perspective.
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Old 12-30-12, 05:56 PM   #5
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Hi, byiamBYoung!
I will definitely take your insight, and also try to start avoiding those who hide behind a faÁade. It might be difficult since this applies to many people I know, but I do believe they add a noticeable amount of stress to my life which I do not need. It just irritates me many do not recognise the true characters of others, and like them instead of others who have real integrity. Thanks for the reply!

Hello, Jon WW
I am very pleased you can understand where I'm coming from. Most find me over-critical (and a bit of a drama queen) and do not understand where I come from, which makes me doubt myself. I shall check out Mindfulness, it sounds interesting and like it might help! I also hope in time your feelings can improve, I cannot even begin to fathom what you must be going through.

Hey tempered,
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this :) There is nothing better than finding others whom you can relate to, seeing all these replies made me feel less alone.
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Old 12-31-12, 08:18 AM   #6
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Hi silverlucy.
I hope you enjoy your adventure into Mindfulness. It's really working for me. Two 20 minute meditations already today and I'm coping just fine, all my horrible thoughts being kept at bay just by gently observing my breathing and observing how my mind slips into thinking negatively.
What I love about the process of Mindfulness is that it doesn't require any effort as such, just a little daily application in order to practice the simply meditations. There's no goal except to live more comfortably in the moment.
All good things, Jon
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Old 12-31-12, 02:02 PM   #7
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Heya silver! << newbie here also but so glad I came here. It's amazing the more I read the more I realize that we all share some similar problems and its good to know we can help each other. I never thought how much.

I am another easily irritable person - I have well, no friends anymore. I hated the fakeness of it all also and find it awkward to make new ones, if ever. My BF is one of those rare people who doesn't judge anyone and accepts. Acceptance of anything has been hard for me but I realize it's not easy changing myself, so there is no chance in forcefully changing others. My work colleague, who is quite literally a "model babe" called herself fat and I just wanted to tear the hair off her pretty little head. But then I remembered not to judge, because my insecurities, my past, might be worse than hers in MY mind but she didn't know any better, any other way of life. That was so damned hard to see let alone accept.

Gosh it makes me tired thinking all this but I find consolation here and I hope you do also. You're not alone and the fact that there have been good times in the past is what drives me to live the present (mainly with my dog!) - there has GOT to be more than this, so don't give up.
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Old 01-01-13, 12:40 PM   #8
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I can completely relate to everything youve written here. Totally. I can't seem to shake that feeling or pointlessness and insignificance. Hope you are feeling ok, welcome to the forum xx
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Old 01-01-13, 02:48 PM   #9
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Silverlucy, I'm curious what you mean about not being able or willing to revise in school work.

Do you have ideas about things which could prove comforting or make you happier, and do you still want to be a psychologist?

I eventually found peace in being alone, and recognized a strong need for time to wind down and reflect each day. Still, a lot has been sacrificed to help friends, most of whom are doing better than I am financially; not that I'm in a bad spot or anything. Having some consistency is nice, and I'm ready to get a better educational degree, continue to improve personally in other ways, and seek out more genuine friends.

If things are too stressful, perhaps it could be possible to cut back on responsibilities, even, or especially, simple ones where burdens outweigh benefits? Guess I'm just projecting my own concerns, since I don't know how else to be helpful. Time management, procrastination, and appreciating each and every day have been recurring issues in my life, I think partially because of staying so busy with work and helping others. The lack of personal attention and balance has tended to cause stresses to stack up.
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Old 01-01-13, 07:39 PM   #10
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Hey Ultraviolet,
The fact I can suppress my true feelings is the only reason I have any friends at all. If they all knew the thoughts that passed through my head, I don't think they'd want to be my friends. In a way, it makes me a hypocrite, but if I'm alone I'll feel sad and my parents will notice and be sad too. But the fakeness is a big thing that separates me from happiness. While I might suppress my feelings, I don't lie about who I am, and some of my friends do. There is this girl which talks badly about some girls but then likes their picture on facebook just to appease them and be liked by everyone. (then she always says 'no one likes me' and stuff like that which is not true). And your BF sounds like a good person. We could use some less judgy people in the world :) Personally, I can see judging people might be useful in dealing with them, but can also make you unhappy because it means you have standards and having standards are bad when they're not met. And I truly agree, we never know what's going on with others' lives. Perhaps someone thinks my life is happy and I have nothing to feel sad about. It's just I can't help but judge. And then notice my hypocricy. And then feel guilty about it. But still feel I'm right. Even though the rational part of my brain knows it's bad to judge.

Hey emmyhd52,
Mostly, I just ignore and try to blank out my mind so I do not get too upset by the way things are. Right now I'm a bit more relaxed due to being on holiday, but with exams coming up I've started worrying a lot again, and there's the fact I have to apply to colleges but it just all looks bleak right now. I feel worried none will accept me since my grades are very average.

Hey tempered,
It's hard to explain. It's like I'm conscious I need to revise, and I feel the urgency (I even want to-- I want to be super smart like the people in my class who do study). In my mind it's study or fail. But I can never actually get to revise. I touch the revision papers and I just don't feel motivated, and I don't know what to do. So I just put it down and find other things to do. Even though in the back of my mind I'm freaking out and worrying about failing at life. And that's the problem I want to change so badly but I don't know how. I'm just confused. The solution would be for me to feel confident and good about myself. But I can't. And yes, I still want to be one :)

And I do find myself being good at being alone. However when something funny or exciting happens I feel this compelling force to tell someone about it. (but when I do sometimes I feel my friends don't really care. they just reply with 'aha' or 'lol' and I feel like I'm bothering them and like I'm completely alone. Sometimes I feel really bubbly and I'm talking about very excitingly and a friend tells me 'LOL calm down' and it irritates me so much)
Usually I feel as if I'll never find any true friends, and this is because I've had my fair share of experience with friends (I've moved around quite a bit, not excessively, but enough to experience friendship and when I moved none of these lasted)
Sometimes I find myself reminiscing when I see their recent pictures on facebook. They seem happy and like they've forgotten me, and it makes me feel unimportant, like our friendship didn't mean anything to them. And it makes me wonder if it's something wrong with me, since it's always me losing friendships.

And procrastination is a major problem with me. I want to avoid stress and unhappiness so I avoid things that would perhaps be annoying or burdensome to me, which leads to procrastination. Which then means more stress, but I can't help it now, it's just a habit. Lately I've been thinking of trying to find a hobby, maybe Judo, but time isn't available right now. I'm thinking maybe if I find something fun and something I'm good at, it might improve my confidence and make me more happy.
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