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This is a discussion on Never ending within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Hi , so ive never posted on anything like this but after so many years of feeling like im crazy ...

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Old 05-06-19, 07:48 PM   #1
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Hi , so ive never posted on anything like this but after so many years of feeling like im crazy or the people immediately surrounding me don't understand i figured i could possibly let some stuff out. I dont even know where to start but the fact is this sh*t started young, my moms brother molested me when i was three, its dumbfounding to think that i can remember certain moments of it, to think my stepmom who saw me much less was the only one that noticed a three year old was being sexual and had no idea. And yet nothing happens you know it never does, they were angry they didnt let him watch me but nothing truly happens now he's happy with kids and im expected to be cool and worst part is I've been conditioned to where i am at this point i cant even hate him for it, i just get the f*cked up mentality of knowing it happened. You know i have a very weird family my dad is as old as my moms dad , cheated on his wife with my mom for five years and willingly had me, having three boys with her, my oldest brother was 24 when i was born on his birthday. My mom was only 23, 11 days from turning 24 isnt that weird. My middle brother he was a year younger than my oldest, he had fallen off a roof when he was 11 got messed up in the head to the point where he would touch his own mom, so naturally i would wake up with my brother between my legs at 5, 6 , 7 and so on. Touching me smelling me to the point where i slept with bats, where i watched my dad beat him, and profoundly felt bad. Its never about me it was because of me he got beat but not for me but so he could change because maybe they could beat it out of him maybe just maybe he would stop. I had to lie to my mom every time i went back to her house, on my dad request so that she would allow me to come back and see him. Except honestly sometimes i didnt want to come back.but hey my mom as i would learn later on wasnt much better. I wonder if its a culture thing being born in the Dominican, its crazy that this is just the start of so many instances so many situations . When as a teen and a preteen you cant trust your mothers house or your dads house how can you really feel. And honestly why, why am i not allowed to think that not at this adult point in my life someone should have to prove that i am their world , what they desire fully with no hesitations and no doubts for me to feel ok, why do i make excuses for people , love so hard and sometimes feel so blessed for little stuff knowing that every day is the biggest battle to be proud of myself or stay ok.
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Old 05-14-19, 08:21 PM   #2
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I read your post and I feel your words. And I'm sorry for the confusion, pain, guilt, and anger. For the secrets and lies, and fake smiles you had to put on. I very much understand some of your pain, q lot of your pain. And I hope that you have hope. And I hope I can too.
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