Hi there, I'm new to the forum so not sure whether this is the right place. Hope so!
I'm currently a student and feeling pretty low at the moment. I'm a 19yr guy and bisexual. Even though I feel "safe" behind a computer screen it feels hard to even write that. Whenever I begin to except that I'm bisexual I just feel I'm letting everyone down. My family are always going on about my future family. What "my children" and "wife" are going to look like. I wouldn't say my family are homophobic but they would be distraught if I came out gay. It kills me inside and I'm not sure I can live though this nor ever except this. It's just so hard, and feel so alone. I know this might not be the right place to talk about this. Sorry. The situation gets worse though. I've fallen in love with my straight friend. My best friend in fact. It's got to point where I'm obsessed. I always want to know what he's doing, where he is. I get upset when he doesn't text me back. It's horrible and feel so guilty. It's not fair on him. Although we are both very close I do put more into the relationship. Maybe 60:40. We are close. We hug and I have kissed him on the lips on several occasions. Slept in the same bed (not together), cried together. All that, but of course, to him it's just us two guys messing around showing our friendship. Inside I do enjoy this, but at the same time I feel so guilty that I'm lying to him. I'm worried that if he knew I had such feelings he would just avoid me. He's basically what keeps me going, but at the same time, gets me down to. I feel down when he socialises with other friends. He's very much into football and I'm not your typical "lad" so I feel isolated from his other friends. I make him feel guilty alot. One example is he kissed and got very close with another close female friend of ours on a night out. I was distraught. I couldn't sleep for days. It was almost as if I was wishing he was gay up till that point cause this was the first girl he's got with essentially. I went to his in the morning and made him feel so guilty. He kept apologising. That's so wrong though, cause he's doing what a human does. He deserves so much better than me. I'm almost holding him back. I've even cut contact with the girl. Basically I'm obsessed with him. I need a way to get him out my head. I have alot of other friends, but I always just want to be with him. I've even tried to mirror his hobbies. Starting playing football. Changing my music taste. It's not me and my parents find this weird , but I just argue I want to fit in more. I have self harmed which was a dreadful thing to do. This was due to my jealously of him being with others and not me. I told my parents it's cause of the stress at university. I'm a medic so it's a demanding course and although I'm coping fine I don't think it helps. He's on the same course but we aren't living together. I was upset about this but I'm with him most of the day. He does say I'm his best friend but I feel sometimes it's just to make me feel better. Another awful thing iv'e done is basically essentially become involved with a girl. She says shes in love with me, but I keep stalling. I'm worred that when it comes to sex I wouldn't be able to follow through. I suppose I'm "more" gay if that's even possible. Sometimes I wonder if its just denial that makes me label myself bi. I wish everything was fine. I'm not bashing gays in any way, sorry if it seems like this. I'm just worried what it would be like if people knew. I'm not a horrible person. Sorry if I sound like I am. I'm constantly looking out for others. How can I get rid of this obsession? Suicide does cross my mind. I feel as though I could, but then I think it would ruin my family. My mum says she couldn't go on if she lost any of us kids (children). She suffers from her nerves as well and is on medication. She knows I get depressed but not the "real" reason why. Don't think I want to go to the doctors. Feel as though I'm just wasting there time. ahh its horrible. I'm going round in circles.
Sorry it's soo long. Feels nice to write about it. No one knows I'm suffering so at least its a start towards getting better! :) Thanks for reading and any help would be great.