Need some help - obsessed with friend
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Need some help - obsessed with friend

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Old 09-27-10, 06:16 PM   #1
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Default Need some help - obsessed with friend

Hi there, I'm new to the forum so not sure whether this is the right place. Hope so!

I'm currently a student and feeling pretty low at the moment. I'm a 19yr guy and bisexual. Even though I feel "safe" behind a computer screen it feels hard to even write that. Whenever I begin to except that I'm bisexual I just feel I'm letting everyone down. My family are always going on about my future family. What "my children" and "wife" are going to look like. I wouldn't say my family are homophobic but they would be distraught if I came out gay. It kills me inside and I'm not sure I can live though this nor ever except this. It's just so hard, and feel so alone. I know this might not be the right place to talk about this. Sorry. The situation gets worse though. I've fallen in love with my straight friend. My best friend in fact. It's got to point where I'm obsessed. I always want to know what he's doing, where he is. I get upset when he doesn't text me back. It's horrible and feel so guilty. It's not fair on him. Although we are both very close I do put more into the relationship. Maybe 60:40. We are close. We hug and I have kissed him on the lips on several occasions. Slept in the same bed (not together), cried together. All that, but of course, to him it's just us two guys messing around showing our friendship. Inside I do enjoy this, but at the same time I feel so guilty that I'm lying to him. I'm worried that if he knew I had such feelings he would just avoid me. He's basically what keeps me going, but at the same time, gets me down to. I feel down when he socialises with other friends. He's very much into football and I'm not your typical "lad" so I feel isolated from his other friends. I make him feel guilty alot. One example is he kissed and got very close with another close female friend of ours on a night out. I was distraught. I couldn't sleep for days. It was almost as if I was wishing he was gay up till that point cause this was the first girl he's got with essentially. I went to his in the morning and made him feel so guilty. He kept apologising. That's so wrong though, cause he's doing what a human does. He deserves so much better than me. I'm almost holding him back. I've even cut contact with the girl. Basically I'm obsessed with him. I need a way to get him out my head. I have alot of other friends, but I always just want to be with him. I've even tried to mirror his hobbies. Starting playing football. Changing my music taste. It's not me and my parents find this weird , but I just argue I want to fit in more. I have self harmed which was a dreadful thing to do. This was due to my jealously of him being with others and not me. I told my parents it's cause of the stress at university. I'm a medic so it's a demanding course and although I'm coping fine I don't think it helps. He's on the same course but we aren't living together. I was upset about this but I'm with him most of the day. He does say I'm his best friend but I feel sometimes it's just to make me feel better. Another awful thing iv'e done is basically essentially become involved with a girl. She says shes in love with me, but I keep stalling. I'm worred that when it comes to sex I wouldn't be able to follow through. I suppose I'm "more" gay if that's even possible. Sometimes I wonder if its just denial that makes me label myself bi. I wish everything was fine. I'm not bashing gays in any way, sorry if it seems like this. I'm just worried what it would be like if people knew. I'm not a horrible person. Sorry if I sound like I am. I'm constantly looking out for others. How can I get rid of this obsession? Suicide does cross my mind. I feel as though I could, but then I think it would ruin my family. My mum says she couldn't go on if she lost any of us kids (children). She suffers from her nerves as well and is on medication. She knows I get depressed but not the "real" reason why. Don't think I want to go to the doctors. Feel as though I'm just wasting there time. ahh its horrible. I'm going round in circles.

Sorry it's soo long. Feels nice to write about it. No one knows I'm suffering so at least its a start towards getting better! :) Thanks for reading and any help would be great.
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Old 09-27-10, 06:39 PM   #2
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Welcome to TTL! First off, if you know you are more gay than straight, please end your relationship with that girl. I can't imagine what it is like to be that girl and not know that about the guy I'm in love with. It would devastate me and the longer you date her, the more you are going to hurt her because she will become more emotionally attached to you.

If your parents love you, then I think they will love you whether you are gay or straight. Of course parents want their children to have a family but that doesn't mean that they are not going to be ok with their children being gay. I would also go see a therapist. You are keeping most of this inside so if you go see a therapist, you at least have someone to talk to about this and they cannot reveal anything to anyone that you don't want them to.

I don't know of any friends who actually kiss on the lips so I wonder if there is something more to it. I would not try to change myself for another person. I think being you is what makes you interesting and that is probably what your friend appreciates about you.
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Old 09-27-10, 08:07 PM   #3
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It seems to me that you already know that you are gay, sweetheart.. As the person above says, I'm sure your parents love you very much, and would just want you to be happy.
If your friend really is your best friend, they will accept you for who you are, and wouldn't WANT you to change.
I think you should just tell them that you are gay/bi (whichever you would feel safest with saying.) and see how he reacts to that. Then maybe later on tell him how you feel, so you don't just bombard him with all of this new information.

As for the girl, if you feel nothing for her, I think it would be kindest to let her down gently. She'll be more hurt in the long run if you keep her in the dark about your feelings for your male female.
I know you might find it easier to cope with your sexuality by trying to make yourself have a girlfriend, but it's not fair on you or her.

Good luck, x
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