When I was 11 I began seeing a psychologist because I was somewhat threatening suicide. I'm not sure if I was officially diagnosed with depression, but I was prescribed Lexapro, so I believe that's what it was. I reluctantly took the medicine, although oftentimes I’d try to hide it instead of taking it. I began feeling better over the next few years. The combination of that, and my annoyance with having to take medication every morning, allowed me to convince my parents and psychologist that I was not longer depressed. I was taken off medication when I was 14 years old.
Now fast forward to the present. I’m 19 and a sophomore in college. This summer I began to experience some symptoms of depression, but it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I started to make the connections. Looking through lists of depression symptoms, I have noticed that quite a few of them match my current situation. The remainder of this post will be a combination of describing my symptoms that I think match a depressed person, and just venting about how I feel about myself.
I'm almost constantly in a bad mood, and I hate it because I know it's annoying to be around me during these times. I want to be someone who is fun and enjoyable to be around. I feel like maybe, subconsciously, I want people to feel bad for me. I've had these same tendencies in the past, but they've become much more constant recently. I often find myself fanaticizing about myself being in horrible situations that would lead to others sympathizing about me. I have trouble justifying my feelings that I actually have depression, because I almost get the feeling that I'm just subconsciously doing it for attention. I have even begun to question whether I was ever even depressed when I was younger. Or if I just like people paying attention to me, no matter the consequences. Going along with that, I also find myself often trying to “put on a show”, which often results in me being a complete jerk. Immediately afterwards I feel like a horrible person, but soon enough I always find myself doing the same thing all over again.
I have been getting more and more tired and lethargic over the past four or so months. At first I attributed it to my summer work of physical labor, but after a month back at school I am not getting any better. Going along with this, I have simply lost my passion for many things I have enjoyed. Foremost is golf. I am on the team at my college, but I just have absolutely no interest in playing anymore. My play has been erratic and I have provided essentially no help to the team thus far. Even when I play well I find myself unhappy, and I just don’t feel like I’m even part of the team anymore. I spend my mornings and early afternoons dreading practice at 3 o’clock, which just makes the day seem to drag along.
Certain people just really annoy me. It's hard to even explain because they're not doing anything horrible, I just feel like they're bothering me every time they speak. For example, when I’m sitting at my desk doing work and my roommate tries to talk to me to tell me something he read on twitter, or to show me video he thought was funny. I get incredible annoyed, and often I will simply leave and go to the library where nobody will bother me. I feel like acting like this is just me being a bad person, rather than an effect of depression, which makes me question myself as a person even more.
I've also constantly found myself looking down upon people who act different than me. For example, I've been trying to eat a very healthy diet lately, and when I see people eating unhealthy food I almost feel as if I dislike them or something, even when it's one of my friends. And a lot of the time it's with things that I used to do, but have stopped doing. This is only in my mind, I don't actually say any of it, but it still annoys me and makes me question myself as a person. I kick myself in my mind for thinking that, but I just can't stop having those thoughts. I also tend to get jealous very easily. Even though I want my teammates to do well so that our team is successful, in the back of my mind I want them to do poorly so that I look better.
In addition, I have been continually getting even worse at focusing. Studying is essentially non-existent to me, because even after eliminating all distractions, I will still allow my mind wander to useless thoughts that keep me from being productive. I have managed to do quite well in school up to now, but I am almost certain that my lack of studying ability will haunt me in the future. I constantly criticize myself in my mind, often for things that occurred long in the past, or otherwise have essentially no effect on my current life. I never let myself live down my mistakes, and they are constantly weighing on my mind and affecting my focus.
Overall, my mind is a complete disaster at the moment. I know I’ve just been ranting for way too long, but I feel that I finally needed to get these thoughts in writing somewhere. If you’ve somehow survived through this entire post, or even just bits and pieces, I would be incredibly grateful for any thoughts, advice, or whatever else you may want to share that could be helpful during this crazy time that I’ve gotten myself into.