well...where do we start? im 19 years old, turning 20 soon.
my parents got a divorce when i was very young, 3 years old. Dad never came back.
Mom became very angry after the divorce, still is.
My childhood is filled with memories of her hitting me, and saying the harshest of words
for the simplest mistakes. Not saying my a-b-c's right before my first test, etc.
She often fought with my grand ma/pa + uncle (she lived with her parents, and her brother
frequently visited.) Those fights also got physical at most points. She loves money, often spent
very little of it on her children. Oh, yeah i got a sister. she thinks im a total freak (read below)
I grew anxiety over this, which became quite noticable during elementary.
Middleschool I was the nerd as school, much smarter and more of a abstract thinker then the rest.
Which isint a good thing, i didnt allow myself to believe in God, saw the human race being meaningless
when compared to the big picture. death wasnt scary, etc.
Highschool I developed a eating disorder (which is now under control) and I gained alot of weight.
My grandfather (the only father figure in my life) passed away after a long battle with parkinsons disease.
That made me fall into depression for a year (which is now under control) Speaking about my grandfather, i remember
as a early teen screaming my head off at my mother when she would fight with my sickly grandfather over money, and other
things she obsessed over. she had OCDs and anger managment problems. that definetly caused the following:
I got into problems in 12th grade with the dean, mainly for cannabis, alchohol, tobacco, ibuprofen, stealing (which is now under control)
Anyway, those problems mixed with me being a lazy online gambler (which is now under control) made it impossible to get into a university,
so i went to a community college.
all my highschool friends went off to universitys, so we drifted away. i never bothered making new friends. to be honest,
i havent gone out with a single friend since september of 2012. my old friends dont bother to hang out with me because of the problems
i had in highschool, i became known as a angry-dark guy. All this combined made me go into a period of time
where i was thinking about suicide, and self harm. I want to say thats under control with the rest of my problems but it isint.
My anxiety grows by the day. Its so bad that i feel its impossible for me to get a girlfriend (i havent had one yet.) or guy friends..
I cant watch a single movie or listen to a single song without going into deep thought circles.
the circle usually centers around topics of:
I should have done this over that.
I will never find a job
I will never find a companion
There is no point to want a job, or companion since life comes and goes.
Since life comes and goes, should i end mine early. And end the pain?
I need help. I refuse to go to a psychiatrist to judge me on my life and then prescribe knocker pills. Thats a punishment.
I dont deserve a punishment for developing mental disorders because of my fucked up parents. Those pills arent safe either.
They will just fuck with my head even more, the problem is still there no matter how numb i am from pills. So no pills for me.
ON the revamp. Im starting to hit the books hard to to transfer to an university to get a good job. (i fucked my first 2 semesters of community college)
Im starting to workout to look more attractive. Althought the top of my head getting bald doesnt help.
Thats probably from the huge amount of stress i pointlessly place on myself during the "thought circles"
and i got a grant at my community college + fixed a beat up classic car and sold it. so im re-making the money i lost online.
But no matter how hard i study or how fast i run to loose weight..i cant fix my anxiety. and that anxiety makes me awkward which makes it
hard to make friends, which brings loneliness which causes depression.Its the root of my problems.
I fixed my drug problems, my time wasting problems, my weight problems, and even my grades. even bought a amazing car.
And im using cactus oil to regrow my hair LOL... but honestly.
I think that once i start looking sharp and getting shit done, maybe a girl might find me interesting enough to go on a date on.
Now if my anxiety doesnt fuck up the forced awkward situation that first dates are, this lady might be a girlfriend.
that might help fix the lonelyness. And im starting to make new friends, i got 5 or 6 of them that might actually want to see
a movie with me. i could always ask daniel to see hangover part 3 with me..why would he say no.
guys just convince me its not worth it. im not looking for attention or any of that sobby bullshit. im trying to improve...
just those thougth cicrles are making me second guess my efforts. and my anxiety is slowly taking over.