my story
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my story

This is a discussion on my story within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; well...where do we start? im 19 years old, turning 20 soon. my parents got a divorce when i was very ...

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Old 05-27-13, 12:41 AM   #1
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well...where do we start? im 19 years old, turning 20 soon.

my parents got a divorce when i was very young, 3 years old. Dad never came back.
Mom became very angry after the divorce, still is.
My childhood is filled with memories of her hitting me, and saying the harshest of words
for the simplest mistakes. Not saying my a-b-c's right before my first test, etc.
She often fought with my grand ma/pa + uncle (she lived with her parents, and her brother
frequently visited.) Those fights also got physical at most points. She loves money, often spent
very little of it on her children. Oh, yeah i got a sister. she thinks im a total freak (read below)

I grew anxiety over this, which became quite noticable during elementary.
Middleschool I was the nerd as school, much smarter and more of a abstract thinker then the rest.
Which isint a good thing, i didnt allow myself to believe in God, saw the human race being meaningless
when compared to the big picture. death wasnt scary, etc.

Highschool I developed a eating disorder (which is now under control) and I gained alot of weight.
My grandfather (the only father figure in my life) passed away after a long battle with parkinsons disease.
That made me fall into depression for a year (which is now under control) Speaking about my grandfather, i remember
as a early teen screaming my head off at my mother when she would fight with my sickly grandfather over money, and other
things she obsessed over. she had OCDs and anger managment problems. that definetly caused the following:
I got into problems in 12th grade with the dean, mainly for cannabis, alchohol, tobacco, ibuprofen, stealing (which is now under control)
Anyway, those problems mixed with me being a lazy online gambler (which is now under control) made it impossible to get into a university,
so i went to a community college.

all my highschool friends went off to universitys, so we drifted away. i never bothered making new friends. to be honest,
i havent gone out with a single friend since september of 2012. my old friends dont bother to hang out with me because of the problems
i had in highschool, i became known as a angry-dark guy. All this combined made me go into a period of time
where i was thinking about suicide, and self harm. I want to say thats under control with the rest of my problems but it isint.
My anxiety grows by the day. Its so bad that i feel its impossible for me to get a girlfriend (i havent had one yet.) or guy friends..
I cant watch a single movie or listen to a single song without going into deep thought circles.

the circle usually centers around topics of:
I should have done this over that.
I will never find a job
I will never find a companion
There is no point to want a job, or companion since life comes and goes.
Since life comes and goes, should i end mine early. And end the pain?

I need help. I refuse to go to a psychiatrist to judge me on my life and then prescribe knocker pills. Thats a punishment.
I dont deserve a punishment for developing mental disorders because of my fucked up parents. Those pills arent safe either.
They will just fuck with my head even more, the problem is still there no matter how numb i am from pills. So no pills for me.

ON the revamp. Im starting to hit the books hard to to transfer to an university to get a good job. (i fucked my first 2 semesters of community college)
Im starting to workout to look more attractive. Althought the top of my head getting bald doesnt help.
Thats probably from the huge amount of stress i pointlessly place on myself during the "thought circles"
and i got a grant at my community college + fixed a beat up classic car and sold it. so im re-making the money i lost online.

But no matter how hard i study or how fast i run to loose weight..i cant fix my anxiety. and that anxiety makes me awkward which makes it
hard to make friends, which brings loneliness which causes depression.Its the root of my problems.
I fixed my drug problems, my time wasting problems, my weight problems, and even my grades. even bought a amazing car.
And im using cactus oil to regrow my hair LOL... but honestly.

I think that once i start looking sharp and getting shit done, maybe a girl might find me interesting enough to go on a date on.
Now if my anxiety doesnt fuck up the forced awkward situation that first dates are, this lady might be a girlfriend.
that might help fix the lonelyness. And im starting to make new friends, i got 5 or 6 of them that might actually want to see
a movie with me. i could always ask daniel to see hangover part 3 with me..why would he say no.

guys just convince me its not worth it. im not looking for attention or any of that sobby bullshit. im trying to improve...
just those thougth cicrles are making me second guess my efforts. and my anxiety is slowly taking over.

Last edited by Tomas; 05-27-13 at 12:45 AM. Reason: fixed typos
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Old 05-27-13, 10:23 PM   #2
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Supposedly CBT helps to identify and change the negative thought loops. Most of this is discussed in the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns.

Anyway, it's sounds like you've overcome a lot of challenges and things are improving. I wouldn't knock the knocker pills too much, a lot of people have good success with antidepressants and anxiety meds. They may not fix the problem, but they can allow for problems to be more easily addressed.
That's great you can fix cars and make money on the side. Surprising amount of experience for not being 20 yet.

Had not heard of cactus oil for hair. How's that going?

You got into trouble with ibuprofen?
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Old 05-28-13, 06:50 AM   #3
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thats a bit sad story it would be better if you stop consuming ibuprofen
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Old 05-28-13, 05:45 PM   #4
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I'll research about CBT. And I'm gonna check out that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Yeah I'm trying to turn my life around. The problem I have with the pills is they make me all dizzy and slow. And I like being alert. But the anxiety is really making me reconsider that.

Thanks! My last project was a 1999 lexus gs400, and now I'm working on a 2005 mustang v6. Before that I did a 1969 Plymouth sport fury :) Cars are one of the only things that make me happy anymore, its like a passion. My uncle thought me everything I know. He used to own a Volkswagen shop.

The cactus oil isn't going to well, after using it I need to shampoo twice to get that darn smell away. And my hair still falls off when I shower/comb it. But I have noticed that it is much less oily. Any recommendations for hair loss?

And no, not for ibuprofen. The problem was that I was buying cannabis from students, and I was taking large amounts of ibuprofen and alcohol, sometimes even during class. I would put vodka in a water bottle, not a single teacher noticed. I also smoked a lot of cigarettes. The dean found out when one of the people I bought cannabis off told on me. He caught me with all those substances and I got into some deep shit.
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Old 05-28-13, 05:47 PM   #5
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Thanks for the response, and yeah I've stopped taking it. I only occasionally consume hashish. But I've really cooled that down as well. It would bring more anxiety on me. And its really not fun having a bad trip when you have anxiety. The thought circles can really mess with your mind and ego.
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Old 05-29-13, 03:41 PM   #6
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Tomas, those are interesting projects! What did you have to do to the GS400? If I'm partial to any auto mfg, it's Toyota / Lexus.

Meds to counteract hair loss include:
DHT blockers - oral dutasteride and finasteride, topical ketoconazole and spironolactone. The Saw Palmetto herb has some amount of 5AR inhibition to lower DHT, and data seems lacking. Magnesium L Threonate is said to prevent hair loss by inhibiting DKK-1.
Minoxidil / Rogaine is good to stimulate growth.

Be aware that oral DHT meds may lower mood and cause sexual sides, etc.

What kind of moron would sell cannabis and then give up his buyers? That sucks.
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Old 05-29-13, 06:51 PM   #7
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Thanks! I redid the entire transmission, the timing chain (not belt) was busted, needed a new set of shocks and breaks, the interior was a wreck, and I had to fix things that broke along the way which included camshafts, 2 valves (those all probably broke because the moron who had the car before me drove with a busted timing chain, or he never swapped the oil.) And some accessories like GPS, audio system, tints, new set of rims/tires, full paint job. He also rear-ended something. The front of the car was ruined. It's actually funny because he busted the car right above the bumper. So the bumper really had no use..didn't absorb anything. And the headlights were xenons, I guess during the accident those bulbs must have had a tiny explosion because the accident was ugly.

Spent 1000 on the car itself, labor was free because I did it + I had my uncle's crane. On parts I spent probably 3000. Most of the parts came from a donor car I bought form the junk yard which I ended up scrapping at the end as well. Sold it for 8.5K. It was a very fun summer :)

I'll research those medications and see which one best suits me. I'm actually going to purchase rogaine tomorrow. I heard it works well.

He got caught selling in a bathroom by one of the coaches, the dean told him to tell him everything and he literally got 10 kids in trouble. Out of those kids I was the one of the unlucky ones who happen to have substances on me during the "backpack-search" That little move ruined my entire senior year..

Last edited by Tomas; 05-29-13 at 06:56 PM.
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Old 05-29-13, 08:09 PM   #8
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Wow, you rebuilt the auto trans, engine top end, and front clip? You guys did the painting and body work, I guess? That's something I'd like to learn about soon.

Sounds like a nice profit from the work!

Sucks about the rat. Hopefully somebody beat his ass!
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Old 05-29-13, 10:28 PM   #9
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Yeah we did it all, took 2 months. The first month went by slow but most of the car was worked on during the 2nd month.

The paint and body was done by my uncle and his friend. His friend owns a auto body shop.

But I can without a single doubt say that I did 75% of the mechanical work. Its really fun when things stop breaking and work gets done!

You totally should learn about it. Its really not hard at all, and if you like cars as much as I do its barely considered work! Plus the money is decent for a summer job!

Thanks for helping lift my mood. I appreciate people like you, tempered :)
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Old 05-30-13, 06:39 PM   #10
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Glad you're feeling better, Tomas! That's a lot to be proud of. I should get back into some projects, and your motivation is inspiring. :)
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abuse, anxiety, depression, suicide, loneliness

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