Hello there. I'm a 15 year old teenager with five other siblings (Three older, two in their toddler years) and a single mother.
About two years ago I started developing head shattering migraines, and couldn't find a cause.
In sixth grade, I started self-harming, and seventh I became anorexic, both a while before I came to the conclusion that my migraines were caused by severe depression.
I haven't been officially diagnosed with it, but a very close friend of mine got depression and social anxiety disorder, not to mention a few not as close friends, so I kind of knew a few of the signs.
During seventh grade, I went through a period on the span of a few months where I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. I was having suicidal thoughts every night for months, and pushed them all away, blaming them on school stress or friend problems.
I was never very social, but when I started making excuses as to why I couldn't hang out with friends, and started hiding in a shell, I realised something was wrong.
A few of my friends bounced the idea of depression at me, noting my increasing aggression, my lack of enthusiasm, and how I was slowly pulling away from all except a few very close friends.
Of course I got alarmed when they confronted me, but I took a few online tests, hoping to get a clearer image of what I could do to fix whatever was happening, along with researching a few of the symptoms they'd described in me.
In the end, I got high tests results, red alarms from my suicidal thoughts, and matches to all of the new traits.
About a year later, they all convinced me to get help. I'd text them whenever I was sitting on my bed with something I could use, or pulling my shoes on to walk to a place I knew the way to by heart. I kept coming up with plans, researching new ways to quickly and easily off myself.
So, scared and ready to come out so to speak, I told my therapist at the time first, in which she replied that "sometimes girls feel that way". I feared going to a mental hospital, so I kept my mouth shut about my self-harm and suicidal thoughts. After much debate, I turned to my mother, fully leaning on her to help me in any way possible, whether it meant going to a hospital or taking pills or more therapy.
What I got instead was her blowing up on me every chance she got, calling me an attention seeking teenager, and making jokes at my increasing depression, social anxiety and suicidality.
I sat down with her one day and talked out how I feel, how my life isn't bad but I just feel how I feel, and she promised to get me help, but months later, she still makes jokes ("Did your therapist stop therapy because she doesn't think you're going to kill yourself?" "Maybe the kids at school are scared of YOU because of your social anxiety.").
Now, I'm asking her to take me to an optician, because my left eye is really blurry, and causes it's own headaches from straining to see with one clear eye, but she's insisting that I had one last year and nothing was wrong, so I'm only seeking attention once again.
We moved about twenty minutes away from where I previously lived about six months ago, and my school performance went from me getting by with 80's-90's and dropped down to me missing more than a half a week of school each week. I'm constantly making up new excuses to get out of going, and I know I'm not going to pass the grade I'm in, but I can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. I've distanced myself from all except one from, and I'm more aggravated and aggressive than ever. All I can think about is moving away from my family the second I turn eighteen, but most days I can't see a future for myself, no matter how many goals I try to set to motivate myself.
I just wanted to know if anybody had any tips or ideas to help me. I'm scared of getting out of control, and I've got nobody else to turn to.
I really appreciate any help.