My life story. There is a lot of text. (triggers: sexual abuse, violence, self-harm)
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My life story. There is a lot of text. (triggers: sexual abuse, violence, self-harm)

This is a discussion on My life story. There is a lot of text. (triggers: sexual abuse, violence, self-harm) within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I'll start by saying that although I tried to avoid it where possible and be careful with wording, there are ...

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Old 10-30-15, 04:13 PM   #1
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Default My life story. There is a lot of text. (triggers: sexual abuse, violence, self-harm)

I'll start by saying that although I tried to avoid it where possible and be careful with wording, there are potential triggers here (sexual abuse, suicide, self harm, and violence), so please be aware and only read on if you are sure you will be alright. Anyone who does read please let me know if you think there are any other trigger warnings I should add.

I grew up with a girl. We'll call her Amy. We played together as kids and grew up together. We'd run around the woods, build forts, chase wildlife, dig through garbage, bake, play board games. We'd cause all the trouble we could. We were inseparable. Eventually we sort of started dating. There wasn't some big romantic moment where we suddenly realized our feelings or anything. It just sort of happened gradually and naturally. Amy was always laughing or had a smile on her face. Everyone around her lit up when she entered the room. She could make anyone feel better no matter how down they were. It was amazing, and I was in awe of her.

Fast forward and we've been dating a few years now. It's summer break before senior year and we just found out she's pregnant. We were happy when we found out. Her family was supportive and well off financially so there wasn't any worry or drama. We decide to take a trip for summer break and go to her family's place in NY. We stay for a few days before deciding to take a day to explore NYC. She was only a few weeks in at that point so she wanted to "take advantage of her current mobility". We spend the day running around, eating food in all sorts of random places, scribbling on walls with sharpie, chasing birds. Being tourists really. After a while it got dark and all of the lights seemed to made everything more exciting. We wandered more and found ourselves in Central Park. It was about 3am by then. We were laughing about something trivial when something I had eaten suddenly decided to disagree with me badly. I ran off a bit into the trees to emergency fertilize them. All the cheese from earlier hit me hard and it took me a little while to do the deed.

I went back with a joke ready to pop out of my mouth and stopped dead and silent when I saw her. She was on the ground, and there were six men. One on top of her. She was crying. I just stood there. I couldn't move. I just stood and stared while each one took a turn. I just stood there frozen and my body wouldn't listen to me while my mind screamed to run over and protect her.

I suddenly woke up in a strange room, alone. Needles in my arms, tubes, wires, bags on hooks, strange noises, something in my mouth and throat. I panicked and thought I had been abducted by aliens, of all things. I started ripping out IVs and random other things attached to me and grabbed the tube in my throat. I yanked on it, trying to rip it out. Luckily by then a nurse had run in and I was sedated before really hurting myself. I woke up again, slowly this time. I realized was in a hospital. This time someone was waiting for me. Amy had bruises and cuts all over her face and her hands were splinted. She told me the story in tears. I had been out for a week and a half. I remember thinking, "she still has bruises after that long?" She said after they saw me they beat us down. One of them kicked my head enough to break open my skull, plus there was massive internal damage and shattered bones. Then they left us for dead. She miscarried of course and became unable to bear children due to scarring, although she was in better shape than I was which she felt guilty for. We were later told they were initiates in a gang I won't name.

Fast forward half a year. Her body is pretty much fully healed, mine mostly so. I get lucky, a mild limp, occasional seizures and muscle spasms, my vision and hearing get a little worse, chronic nerve pain, consistent memory loss, language and social issues. Amy flinches and has psychotic episodes anytime someone touches her aside from myself, and neither of us can bring ourselves to do anything remotely sexual. By then we had joined a therapy group. It helped us a lot, honestly. We were able to go back to school for senior year without too much trouble because of it. We met someone in our therapy group. We'll call her Gray. Gray had serious clinical depression, suicidal tendencies, extremely agoraphobic, the works. The three of us get along really well despite our issues and likely because of them. We start to hang out outside of therapy. Gray was really nice and went out of her way to be helpful, although in a somewhat desperate way. Amy didn't smile much anymore, but when we were with Gray she enjoyed herself which made me so very happy.

Fast forward a few more months. We got a place together, the three of us. Gray and Amy were the only people I felt I could trust. We start living a decent life. Amy and I worked and went to school and Gray stayed in the apartment and happily played the homemaker. We kept anything that could be used for self harm locked away where only I could get them, per an agreement between the three of us.

Fast forward a bit more. Amy and I come home from graduation, ready to celebrate with Gray. Gray is crying and about to harm herself. She was quick, and I'll spare the details. She didn't have much in the way of family so the only people who came to her funeral were people from our therapy group, a cousin, and an ex girlfriend of hers.

Fast forward another few months. Amy smiles again but her eyes are empty and dead. She drinks nonstop. I can't take the dead eyes and accusing stares. I can't handle it. I'm weak, a coward, and she isn't the person I grew up and fell in love with any more. I left. I moved to another state. I go to college and make sure I stay alone. I find myself unable to speak to anyone aside from Amy, or sometimes my mother and stepfather when I'd been drinking.

Fast forward three years. Nothing changes. Amy and I still talk almost daily, occasionally hang out. She still stays drunk 24/7 and she sleeps around with different women. I didn't blame her at all for seeking that tiny bit of comfort. I was honestly happy that we still talked every day and she was able to touch and be touched by another person in that way. My wounds were healed, I had no limp, no more seizures or spasms, organs all worked fine, and my vision and hearing had stopped getting worse. I still had chronic pain and a paranoia/fear of men although I am one myself. It was hard to remember things and I wasn't able to keep memories of things for long. I could remember that something had happened but not remember the actual event, if that makes sense. Remembering information but having no memory of it. I had nightmares every night. I might forget nearly everything that happens to me but the dual clear memories of Gray taking her life in front of me, and of Amy and that night come back in vivid detail every time I fall asleep. I still haven't spoken a word to anyone although I was able to ask the professors questions after class if we were alone.

A girl in one of my classes annoys me into talking to her and giving her rides and hanging out. We'll call her Bree. Bree and I become very close quickly, but I lie about my entire life and hide my history from her.

After a while I didn't hear from Amy for a few days. I got a letter in the mail. The 3 pages ramble in broken disturbing ways. It was Amy's suicide note. Essentially she couldn't handle her own nightmares anymore, and she was tired of blaming everything on me when she knew it wasn't actually my fault. She was tired of hurting me and feeling like she had abandoned me even though I was the one who had left and we still had talked daily. I called her without any answer. I called the police. They found her gone next to some cash and a note apologizing for the mess. Amy's family blamed me and didn't allow me to go to the funeral.

I would have fallen apart completely if not for that girl who pestered the shit out of me in class and refused to take my silence and leave me be. Bree gave me a reason to go on, something else to focus on instead of my own pain. Fast forward two more years, to about a week ago. Bree can't handle my baggage anymore and she's cut me totally out of her life. I can't say I blame her, I wasn't a very positive influence on her life. I helped her in a lot of ways but I was generally bad for her. We made a crappy couple, really, and it would have been better had we stayed friends.

I still have chronic pain, memory loss, and nightmares. I'm not afraid of men anymore but I am still uncomfortable around most of them. I have a few good friends and a lot of regular ones, all female in either body or mind. I've gotten to the point where my own pain whether physical or emotional no longer really gets to me. I feel drained, tired, empty of anything significant.

I would never consider suicide because I know firsthand how much it tears apart the people around you, no matter how I might delude myself into thinking no one cares about me and that I'm so painfully alone. I've committed the past year of my life to trying to pull people back from the edge. I tell them my story in the distant hope that they will find something in my life to give them hope. That no matter how bad and painful things are that there will always be something good, even if you can't see it, even if it all ends in more pain. I want to die, I don't want to live. At the same time I refuse to give in, if only out of spite against my own broken mind. I know that all the pain and horrible things that have happened in my life haven't been for nothing. No matter how much I want to die I will fight for every second of life I can get, no matter how painful.

I might have given up, but I refuse to give in. I will live, if only so I can try to give other people the next chance they deserve.
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Old 11-04-15, 11:33 AM   #2
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I‘m really sorry for everything that happened to you. I honestly have no idea how you menaged to keep fighting... I guess you‘re much stronger than me. I don‘t really know what to say. You know, this is one of those stories you see on TV, but never actually think that it happened to anyone. And fact that, after everything, you keep helping other people... I don‘t even have words for that. I‘m sorry I don‘t have anything useful to say
Maybe things will get better, you know?
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Old 11-04-15, 01:36 PM   #3
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Thank you for the kind words and replying. I think the main thing that keeps me going is the firsthand experience of the pain doing otherwise causes the people around you. I don't really have much to say at the moment. I've been sitting here trying to think of how to reply. It's been a rough day so I'm having trouble thinking clearly at the moment, but it still means a lot knowing someone read my story. Things will get better even if I delude myself that it won't.
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Old 11-05-15, 02:56 AM   #4
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Exactly. Things will get better
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Old 11-06-15, 07:51 PM   #5
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A small update. I am having a good day. I feel great! Well, I don't feel bad anyways and I guess this is how normal people feel or how I used to feel years ago. But to me it feels great! My pain has been a bit worse than normal today, and I had the same nightmares and the new one is still getting worse but for some reason it didn't matter today. I have so much energy and I feel like talking a little bit. I went to the hospital today, the one I volunteer at. The kids were happy to see me which made me feel even better. I also listened and talked a bit to one of the doctors who has been having doubts about his work and if he is actually doing any good. It felt so good to see him turn around and snap out of his funk and self doubt after a few chosen words. I know this happy energetic feeling won't last for very long, but random days like this are what gives me a reason to not give in.
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Old 11-07-15, 05:34 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EndlessOcean View Post
A small update. I am having a good day. I feel great! Well, I don't feel bad anyways and I guess this is how normal people feel or how I used to feel years ago. But to me it feels great! My pain has been a bit worse than normal today, and I had the same nightmares and the new one is still getting worse but for some reason it didn't matter today. I have so much energy and I feel like talking a little bit. I went to the hospital today, the one I volunteer at. The kids were happy to see me which made me feel even better. I also listened and talked a bit to one of the doctors who has been having doubts about his work and if he is actually doing any good. It felt so good to see him turn around and snap out of his funk and self doubt after a few chosen words. I know this happy energetic feeling won't last for very long, but random days like this are what gives me a reason to not give in.
That‘s great to hear. I mean I‘m sorry for nightmares and pain, but since it doesn‘t affect you so much... I‘m really glad to see you‘re doing fine. And you volunteered??? Wow. It‘s really great from you.
Well, I often say: survive bad days, and live during good ones. It really helped me. And seems to be working for you too. Take care of yourself
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