Moving on... sounds easy...
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Moving on... sounds easy...

This is a discussion on Moving on... sounds easy... within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Well, im new here So I have no idea how this really works but im going to write whats happening ...

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Old 03-03-12, 07:56 AM   #1
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Default Moving on... sounds easy...

Well,
im new here So I have no idea how this really works but im going to write whats happening in my life and if anyone is interested enough to read this rubbish.. go ahead..
Well I was diagnosed with depression in august, so not all that long ago.
everything was triggered around summer time after years of hell for me. I have been emotionally and physically abused for around 5 years. I am a nice, caring, understanding, kind, trustworthy person and I would give my life to help another person that needs me... I dont see why I deserve this horrible hand I've been dealt in life but im here holding it anyway! I hate myself, the person I have become. A horrible, pessimistic person.
I can let go of what's been done to me. I feel cheated and betrayed and like everyone I know screws me over time and time again. I see people to help me, we chat and I cry and shout and everything... it helps in some ways but when the day is done, im alone again and its all done. I do self harm. and I think about suicide I would guestimate about every hour maybe more. I fantasize about it for one real reason, because the things that have been done and said to me haunt me. I cant get them out of my head. I feel like im prisoner in my own head. I cry pretty much the whole time, I cant eat right, I cant sleep. If I do I wake up with horrible nightmares, screaming, crying... I cant do it anymore and I have no idea how to move forward. I have no idea how to shake of this horrible monster that is constantly clinging on my back. I used to be happy and have a future planned and a life plan and now I couldnt care less. I will amount to nothing, I will fail everything and when im done I'll be left and what options will I have. it's like a tick in my brain, I cant escape the things I've heard and endured and I can see only one way out right now. one way to stop the pain and upset and hurt. im tired of crying, literally exhausted from crying and all the pain I cause myself.
I cant move on and I cant forget what's been done. I am alone.
I have OCD too and multiple ticks... I just feel like the people who 'care' only care because they are paid to do so. I have nobody to talk to when the day is done. and when im alone and upset there's only one way to calm down and feel in control.
I dont know what I expect people to say, but if ANYONE had ANYTHING helpful to say... PLEASE do... I need that...
thanks for reading this far if you did,
take care all,
Lostcause16
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Old 03-03-12, 09:22 AM   #2
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lostcause16 - First off, welcome to TTL!

You know, this one statement you made, truly caught my attention. "I am a nice, caring, understanding, kind, trustworthy person and I would give my life to help another person that needs me... I dont see why I deserve this horrible hand I've been dealt in life but im here holding it anyway!" I had to stop and "remind" myself, I wasn't talking about myself. We are 'delt' things in our lives that we feel, we should have been delt a much better hand. Even though it is what it is, we can always try to endure it, work thru it, and just keep pushing/moving forward.I feel the same way(s) you do, when it comes to people within my life. I'm the one that (also) gets 'left out to dry.' There's really no rhym or reason(s) for it, but I have learned not to allow people to take advantage of myself. People will take and take, with no ending to it, unless we are the one to put the foot down and quit 'enabling them' to do so.

Things in my past often 'creep' up on me or also 'haunt' me as well. The one thing to try to remember, the past is the past. While I understand (even at times with myself) that it does affect our current situation(s), we still need to find ways to move forward from it. Have you considered writing in a journal? That seems to help myself, when I need to try to 'sort' things out and just release all the 'build up' I'm feeling inside. While it's just a thought/suggestion, it may/might help you as well.

I can say this. People here deeply, sincerely, and honestly care. You'll be amazed how much a complete stranger can be so supportive, caring, and completely understanding.You'll have people to talk to here! That alone, sometimes, is just what we need to start to a new path and a new journey within our lives!
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. ~ Bruce Lee

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
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