Writing this because maybe it will help how useless I feel...
I have no money, no one to help me, and just one semester until I earn my degree. It all seems so.. unattainable... so far away.... I feel like I'm not going to get there. Life can be extremely discouraging, and it makes it hard to focus on my goals. (Although, even my goals I have lost sight of.) My course work has little value to me and it's frustrating because I used to be so ambitious. I used to know what I wanted. I thought college was supposed to help you find yourself, but I feel more lost than ever.
I've recently come to realize how much contempt I have for my parents. I hate the way they raised me. I used to not care, I actually used to think it was valuable, some kind of commitment script that shaped me into a unique person. But recently I've realized how much it has affected me and my family. I feel like an alien. I remember having thoughts when I was very young really wishing I was never born, that life was incomprehensible, why did I have to be here? I hate being trapped in this body, yet I'm to scared to leave.
My parents are divorced, they are completely opposites and they hate each other. I spent most of my childhood with my mom, who raised us in isolation. I've never really had friends. My brother is a genius but is more antisocial than me. He hasn't left our house since he graduated college a couple years ago. My younger sister ran away with pedophile. I am not close to my family, and never have been. I have always felt disconnected, and I think my siblings do as well. I used to tell my mom that I hated her when I was little often. She kept us away from my dad, who wishes he could have been there more for us when we were kids. But now, he has more of a chance to be my dad, and he doesn't really help. My mom keeps pressuring me to ask him for money to help me with this semester so I can sign up for my last classes, probably just to prove me that he will say no and so that I will have to grovel to her. But I'm sick of being manipulated.
I would have had the money to pay for school. But I'm so depressed and anxious, and I have the worst stress-relief habit ever: shopping. I've blown so much money this past year I don't even want to count. It's impulsive and I can't control it anymore. I wish I could have that money back.
I just have no support. I've been dating the same guy since high school, and he's been my only friend this whole time, but I know that he doesn't care about my feelings. He's not that type of guy, we just don't talk about feelings. I try to tell him what I'm going through, but I don't think he understands. He is the one person that can relax me, but he goes to school far away and hasn't made the effort to visit me, barely calls me.
My good friends graduated a year ahead of me, and I only have a few acquaintances left at college. I feel inferior to a lot of my peers. I feel as if I haven't made progress in a long time. My coursework is going nowhere, and I'm threatened by the thought that I won't even finish school. My resume is going to suck because I've had to work an irrelevant job to pay my tuition for 5 years and all the internships I sought in my field were unpaid, which would have been impossible.
Because of how I grew up, I haven't made good social skills. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I especially feel awkward. Very awkward. Perpetually awkward. Around my professors, my peers, my mom. I feel like I know nothing all the time. I forget everything when I open my mouth, and lose my train of thought constantly. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to, I am the least sociable person I know. Now I just avoid people. I keep having more and more days where nothing goes right. I lose things a lot now. I can't focus on my homework for more than an hour, and that is being very generous...
I'm scared that (if) when I graduate, this feeling of perpetual awkwardness will just get worse. That I won't find a place where I fit in the world...
I feel like my life could have been different. But mostly I wish it never happened. I feel trapped. I'm a wuss and I'm scared of dying. But lately that's all I can think about. I even have a plan that's kind of far fetched but I know I could make it happen if I really wanted to.
I guess I would like some advice. Is anyone else perpetually awkward? How have you tried to resolve feeling like this?