So I posted a few months ago about my life ad a basic insight into my story and got some great replies from amazing people, my story since then has changed drastically.
I decided that i want to just dedicate my life to 1 goal, moving to Canada and owning my own farm and being self sufficient, I wanted to give something back and open a barn for homeless people or people who need an escape, they can farm their own food on my land and have somewhere to stay.
I also found a person who currently lives in Texas who has the same dream as me, just freedom. The plan was to meet her somehow, sort out visa's and money and stuff and make our way to Canada, I wanted to make it so that its intentionally not easy, so that the story can be told even after I am dead.

So i set off on my adventure, I left behind all direct family and friends, just left without a trace in hope of leaving the past behind and making something positive. I moved into my cousins flat with her in Brighton, the plan was to get a job and to earn enough money to make it to texas and to buy a Canadian visa.
Turned out that she used me to pay her months worth of rent she couldnt aford, then kicked me out, I cant go back to my mums house, I have no friends left because I left without a trace, I had to intentionally make myself sectioned by police in order to get back to London, if i didnt then i would have been stranded with no money or phone or anything in the middle of a place that i knew nothing about. They gave me a loan after being assesed so i could get back to London. When i got back I had to beg my dad to let me stay at his flat, its a 1 bedroom flat and currently I am sleeping on the floor in the living room.
I have no confidence left to get work or to go to Canada or to meet this person from Texas or to get my farm. It feels like the whole world has just turned its back on me. I will be kicked out of this flat everyday from 9 am to 6pm until i find work but i dont think i am in the right headspace to have a job, I feel like I dont belong here, not alive as such, but just here. I have had to refuse treatment for all of my mental health problems in order to stand a chance of getting a Canadian visa one day.
Nobody understands the extent of how this feels for me and if i try to help people to see what i see, i am risking never being able to achieve my dream. I hate society and how it is at the moment, I hate the concept of cctv and money, as hypocritical as it may sound, i hate all of the hate that is around, but if i hate it all too, then i guess i am contributing to the hate in society?
My head is a mess, i feel alone and forgoten, like the whole world is spinning and moving forward and i am just still and waiting for something i will never be able to achieve.

When people as me where i see myself in 5 years time, all i can think of is either dead or homeless, and all i want to think is, in Canada working for my farm. I am my own worst enemy but there is nothing i can do about it, i blew all of my opourtunities and now ive just pushed everyone too far away.

Looks like i will never visit canada lol even though my memory went haywire due to pernicious anemia. Who would of thought a medical record can be as damaging as a criminal record.
Running away from your problems rarely or never solves them.
A job will help your head, give you something to focus on. Find something not too taxing, where you are around people but maybe can work on your own just something to do. Deliver mail, warehouse work, stock shelves that type of thing.