Issues with self negativity sand low self esteem
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Issues with self negativity sand low self esteem

This is a discussion on Issues with self negativity sand low self esteem within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Hello, this is my first post on this website so bear with me 😎 Lately I have been experiencing some ...

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Old 02-20-16, 08:59 PM   #1
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Angry Issues with self negativity sand low self esteem

Hello, this is my first post on this website so bear with me 😎



Lately I have been experiencing some anxiety and I will explain why in just a moment.



I'm in my late teens, male, I weigh about 135 lbs and am around 5'9 so I'm a pretty slim dude. Due to recent events, I've experienced a great deal of anxiety and a feeling of depression. My main issue is a bad outlook on myself, and I am trying my absolute best to feel better and focus more on self image.



To give you the back story, Me and my brother (we are very close) have been friends with a dude a couple years older than me for the past 2 - 3 years. We are pretty close, we do a lot of things together, we have inside jokes and we just get along very well. He has a sister (about a year older than me) and for the longest time, has been rather shy around us just recently she has really opened up and started hanging out and doing everything with us (we make sure she feels invited and welcome). She's very smart, kind and very conversational. My brother is older than both of them

Now that you have a brief knowledge of this, my anxiety stems from this,

I believe that she is more attracted to my brother (we are all friends and he is not exactly interested in her). I only say this based on my observation of her when she is talking to him, I can't really find words to explain it but there is just something there, for instance, she always has much deeper conversations with him and asks more questions about him, from him. But again I may be overthinking the whole thing as she talks to me just the same and treats me absolutely equally. I'm not necessarily attracted to her, but I think I just have this control freak complex and I want her to like me, but I know it's not going to happen (maybe down the road). So I feel perhaps a bit jealous and for no apparent reason, and every time I think about the whole situation, I feel very anxious and depressed, and so I naturally go directly to self-negative thoughts. I feel ugly, I feel socially in-adequate and just generally feel like crap...Am I too skinny? Am I too busy trying to have fun that I forget to show my deeper side? We all get along very well, we have lots of laughs whenever we get together.





Has anyone been though this or something similar? Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.



Just some things to note, I am not suicidal and I am not resorting to drugs.

Edited 57 minutes ago by PeaceBringer
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Old 02-20-16, 09:34 PM   #2
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I think it's quite normal to want to be liked by someone, even if you don't necessarily have feelings for them. I mean, it's quite a confidence booster if someone likes you, and it makes you feel good about yourself- but there is of course the fact that if you don't like them back then you would hurt them by turning them down.

If you worry too much about who she likes, and what's going to happen down the road and whatnot, then it can reflect badly in your mood, in turn making you seem less desirable to her. Try to take it easy, don't over think things so much, and just be yourself. It's ok to try to show your deeper side though, as long as you're not trying to change yourself to be what you expect she would like.

Try to search yourself for the answer about if you really like her or not though, as it would be bad if you ended up hurting her by dating her without being sure about your own feelings.

If you're insecure about your body, take steps to look how you want to. Exercise, change your diet, make sure you're well groomed and the sort. Feeling good about the way you look really makes you feel better about everything I'd say! so it's worth it.

Is there anything else bothering you besides this situation? what's causing you to feel socially inept? It's nothing you can't change though. I know people who have been very anxious and bad in social situations who have really improved in those aspects through sheer willpower.
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Old 02-20-16, 11:02 PM   #3
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I think it's quite normal to want to be liked by someone, even if you don't necessarily have feelings for them. I mean, it's quite a confidence booster if someone likes you, and it makes you feel good about yourself- but there is of course the fact that if you don't like them back then you would hurt them by turning them down.

If you worry too much about who she likes, and what's going to happen down the road and whatnot, then it can reflect badly in your mood, in turn making you seem less desirable to her. Try to take it easy, don't over think things so much, and just be yourself. It's ok to try to show your deeper side though, as long as you're not trying to change yourself to be what you expect she would like.

Try to search yourself for the answer about if you really like her or not though, as it would be bad if you ended up hurting her by dating her without being sure about your own feelings.

If you're insecure about your body, take steps to look how you want to. Exercise, change your diet, make sure you're well groomed and the sort. Feeling good about the way you look really makes you feel better about everything I'd say! so it's worth it.

Is there anything else bothering you besides this situation? what's causing you to feel socially inept? It's nothing you can't change though. I know people who have been very anxious and bad in social situations who have really improved in those aspects through sheer willpower.

Hi ��Thank you for the reply very much. Honestly I just need to do it and just focus on being myself and quit trying to change myself. I'm going to work hard starting next week with a special weight/muscle ganing diet so that I can gain some extra confidence in my appearance. I'm also heavy into self care and grooming. Again I thank you for the reply.

Last edited by Forest; 02-22-16 at 09:42 AM.
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Old 02-20-16, 11:30 PM   #4
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Hi ��Thank you for the reply very much. Honestly I just need to do it and just focus on being myself and quit trying to change myself. I'm going to work hard starting next week with a special weight/muscle ganing diet so that I can gain some extra confidence in my appearance. I'm also heavy into self care and grooming. Again I thank you for the reply.
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Originally Posted by TheSilentGrey View Post
I think it's quite normal to want to be liked by someone, even if you don't necessarily have feelings for them. I mean, it's quite a confidence booster if someone likes you, and it makes you feel good about yourself- but there is of course the fact that if you don't like them back then you would hurt them by turning them down.

If you worry too much about who she likes, and what's going to happen down the road and whatnot, then it can reflect badly in your mood, in turn making you seem less desirable to her. Try to take it easy, don't over think things so much, and just be yourself. It's ok to try to show your deeper side though, as long as you're not trying to change yourself to be what you expect she would like.

Try to search yourself for the answer about if you really like her or not though, as it would be bad if you ended up hurting her by dating her without being sure about your own feelings.

If you're insecure about your body, take steps to look how you want to. Exercise, change your diet, make sure you're well groomed and the sort. Feeling good about the way you look really makes you feel better about everything I'd say! so it's worth it.

Is there anything else bothering you besides this situation? what's causing you to feel socially inept? It's nothing you can't change though. I know people who have been very anxious and bad in social situations who have really improved in those aspects through sheer willpower.

Couldn't figure out how to delete the last reply so i had to make another one haha

In my mind I know it's just all the teenage hormones. I have felt all my life, and have been told by many people, that I am and older person in a younger body. I've always been smarter than my peers and my age group but I never bragged about it or anything. This situation has actually made me more engaged in reading books and the such as it proves to be a great distraction. But I feel like the distraction simply puts my feelings off to the side to be met again later, I want to just get over it entirely.

I've always been a bit envious of my brother, he's better looking, more socially experienced and just overall someone I look up to in terms of the previously mentioned traits lol

I feel like I'm fighting that envy now so that it doesn't turn into jealousy, because as we all know, jealousy is ugly and it destroys relationships. Him and I's relationship is very special and I would rather die than lose it over something like that.

Another thing to mention. Everytime we all hang out, if something happens like for instance, she starts talking deep with him and not with me, I feel very upset inside. I never show it though and perhaps that's what makes it hurt so much. But also something to note, not to brag but I'm a pretty funny guy with my friends. Not one time has she hung out with us and not gotten red from laughter from something humerous I said. After about a week passes, I feel good and ready to hang out again and then the cycle continues. She would never date me I'm afraid and I don't think I would ever date her because I have watched her date another guy and they broke up and that completely destroyed their relationship. I don't ever want that to happen. The thought of her always being there for me in a sisterly way is very pleasing to me. But for some reason I still have this need for assurance that she likes me in some way. Last week she texted me apologizing for not being able to say hello to me at an event (long story) and that made me feel pretty great for a few days.

This probably seems so silly:P and confusing and to be honest I'm typing all this as it passes through my mind so I apologize if my statements are not in order. To be honest I'm quite confused myself with all of these emotions I'm experiencing
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Old 02-21-16, 04:28 AM   #5
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No problem, it's my pleasure.

Distractions are good, they can take the edge off things. Your mind needs a break every now and then from thinking, or you can burn yourself out. But, hormones aside, people always have to deal with some kinds of problems. With every problem, it's an opportunity to gain some wisdom though- so we keep getting better at dealing with things as long as do.

It really is hard to look up to someone without any hints of envy or jealousy, but I hope you are able to learn to view him as a role model without feeling that way. Comparing yourself to other people seems to be one of the more common ways of getting depressed; Instead of doing that, just try to be the best you that you can be, and make the most of your unique talents, and have confidence in that. Play the hand you were dealt the best you can, basically.

If a breakup is bad or not, it really just depends on the people involved. I think of myself as being quite mature, and I've never had a truly bad breakup. I have remained friends with both my exes. It's still a risk though, so if you really value having that brother/sister type relationship with her, then it's your decision to make if the choice ever arises.

But yeah, try not to come to conclusions like "she would never date me". Never is a pretty extreme word. She does laugh at your jokes and took the time to text you to apologize after all. Not to get your hopes up too much though, but don't rule out the possibility.

Life's a confusing emotional roller coaster, it's a pain at times, but honestly I'd not rather have it any other way.
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Old 02-21-16, 11:17 AM   #6
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No problem, it's my pleasure.

Distractions are good, they can take the edge off things. Your mind needs a break every now and then from thinking, or you can burn yourself out. But, hormones aside, people always have to deal with some kinds of problems. With every problem, it's an opportunity to gain some wisdom though- so we keep getting better at dealing with things as long as do.

It really is hard to look up to someone without any hints of envy or jealousy, but I hope you are able to learn to view him as a role model without feeling that way. Comparing yourself to other people seems to be one of the more common ways of getting depressed; Instead of doing that, just try to be the best you that you can be, and make the most of your unique talents, and have confidence in that. Play the hand you were dealt the best you can, basically.

If a breakup is bad or not, it really just depends on the people involved. I think of myself as being quite mature, and I've never had a truly bad breakup. I have remained friends with both my exes. It's still a risk though, so if you really value having that brother/sister type relationship with her, then it's your decision to make if the choice ever arises.

But yeah, try not to come to conclusions like "she would never date me". Never is a pretty extreme word. She does laugh at your jokes and took the time to text you to apologize after all. Not to get your hopes up too much though, but don't rule out the possibility.

Life's a confusing emotional roller coaster, it's a pain at times, but honestly I'd not rather have it any other way.

About that bad breakup, this is only from what I have observed from the whole thing because they broke up right before she started hanging out with us, so as I type this I realize that was probably the main thing keeping her back from hanging out with us for so long. Anyway, when they broke up, her brother (my good friend) was telling me how they are tolerant of each other so to speak, but don't talk to each other like they did. I just don't want that to happen with me or my brother because I don't want to ruin the relationship with her brother because he's one of my only friends.


Something else that happend recently is someone asked if her and my brother were dating because they saw them talking together and I just felt so burnt inside. That was when I really started struggling with the self importance thing. I started asking myself questions like why not me? I have talked to her just as much, if not more than my brother. But I know the other thing is my brother is almost 7 years older than me so immediately people jump to that naturally I suppose.

Something funny to mention, in public, people always think I'm the older one because my brother has a younger looking face so I got that going for me :p
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Old 02-21-16, 04:19 PM   #7
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PB I think you'll be fine, you are very self aware and mature, I can tell this from your posts easily. Keep coming here and get your thoughts out of your head, you're off to a great start. Secondly if you keep hanging out with her she might cone around. There is always a chance, until she makes it clear that there isn't.
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Old 02-21-16, 04:39 PM   #8
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PB I think you'll be fine, you are very self aware and mature, I can tell this from your posts easily. Keep coming here and get your thoughts out of your head, you're off to a great start. Secondly if you keep hanging out with her she might cone around. There is always a chance, until she makes it clear that there isn't.
Thank you 😊 I find it very easy to to do as you said, let my thoughts be free, on this website and so far the people are great. Talking has indeed made me feel better already so thank you to everyone. More replies are welcome of course 😉

She's certainly a gigglebox when I'm around her and she is very keen on makin eye contact when either of us are talking. Will it get easier to be around her without having these thoughts the more I hang out with her? We hang out pretty often. I've texted her I think twice within the last couple of weeks and she has texted me once like mentioned before.
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Old 02-24-16, 12:10 PM   #9
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Ok so there's something I'd like to get out here. After hearing a recent conversation with her and hearing her express her deep passion for book reading (it was pretty deep lol) The realization came to me so fast that I'm just not like that... My problem as of late was trying to Change myself to be compatible when I should of known all along that I can't/won't.

I will just be her friend. A supportive, understanding friend, like I have been doing. Haha if she only knew the internal struggle I've been having the past couple months
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