I feel like my life is a constant downward spiral, whenever I try and express my emotions I find no help. My mother tries her best but she simply tells me to stop or just give up in an effort to make me feel better when in fact it just makes me feel like a deadbeat good for nothing.
I find that due to how easily I talk about my raw pain and suffering people are wierded out and even uncomfortable. I don't care and I've been told that my behavior is borderline depraved.
I do not find myself depraved but simply open to my own self. I don't see good in the world. It's akin to using a high saturation filter and then taking it off but over my head and heart.
I don't know if I have a heart, if I can even cry for the people I love. Am I numb, broken? Maybe. But I find that when I get mad I tear up, it is infuriating. Crying while mad is horrible, because people don't understand that I'm in tears because I can't hurt them. Sounds cringe, it is. But it is still the best way to explain that raw frustration.
I don't have anybody in my life that looks for me, that wants to talk to me, that wants to hang out with me. And it fucking sucks. People, family, friends I am basically a depressed fucked up jester that plans events.
I want to die. I don't want to die painfully but instantly and I want someone to fucking love me. I haven't talked to anyone about this because my physical appearance makes people think I don't have a heart. Being big and strong doesn't make me inhuman, it just makes me a bigger target.
I struggle with rage and as I spend more time alone, my anxiety and rage builds but I become quieter but that just prevents me from expressing or releasing my fucked up pent up emotions/desires.
Sex and violence are what soothes me, whenever I am furious or sad I turn to brutal porn to give me some kind of feeling inside my dead cold chest. To simulate the human interaction I crave but also despise.
I hate everything and it isn't getting better. I want help but no one would even look at me like I'm human if I opened up. Especially not with my temperament. But meh it's fine, of I die it all ends. I just don't have a good way to do it yet.