This may be a long post, but I'm going to explain every single little detail about my situation because I NEED to get this off my chest to feel any sort of remorse or a little sense of happiness. If you've read the whole thing, I sincerely appreciate the time and thank you for listening.

This is about the first girl I fell in love with, and how we went from being best friends / spiritual partners, to losing everything and becoming strangers.

I recently transferred to a new school and met this girl. Okay, she was not just any girl. I was completely infatuated by her before we even started talking, I would see her walk across the school cafeteria or the hallway (we live in the same apartment, she lives a room next to mine), and I would just stop. I've never seen anyone like this before in my life, she completely grabbed my attention from the first second I met her. I remember seeing her for the first time and it just felt like everything and nothing made sense, everything around me became a sudden blur except for her. She was like a walking light in a tunnel, and I was just desperately trying to reach it.



How we first met:
My roommate told me that she was studying in our apartment study room alone, so I said fuck it and asked her out right there. Normally I would be extremely nervous to approach a girl and just ask her out, but with her, it just felt natural. She agreed to go out on a date but canceled a few days later. Although she canceled the date, we started talking nonetheless. We started to study together EVERYDAY, and we got to know each other extremely well. We just clicked, we talked about everything and nothing. She was someone I could really really relate to, and everything she said just resonated to me. It ran through my body, I thought about everything she said and everything she did everyday. We hung out, studied, watched movies, everyone knew I was in love with her and wanted to pursue her. Everyone said I was "friendzoned" but it didn't phase me a bit, I just wanted to be with her whenever it was possible. From an outside perspective, you can clearly see that we were inseparable. Her best friend even said that she obviously does like me, if she didn't, why would she want to hang out with me everyday? By everyday, I mean literally everyday. It was the most beautiful relationship between two people I have ever come across.


First space/break:
Around a month after we met, she told me that she just didn't see us being together. She didn't feel it at all. This was when everything started to bother me a little bit more. We were watching a movie before our winter break started, and I said that she was extremely cute, and she got weirded out by it. She kept saying that we can't be together, she just didn't see it. Right after she left, I sent her a really, really long text message telling her how I truly felt about her. I told her that I wanted to hold her, I told her EXACTLY how I felt about her, that I never met anyone like her before, that I was infactuated by her etc etc. She responded in a positive manner, saying she was sorry but she didn't feel the same way, and she wished she did. She said we should take some space (we were going to hang out during the break).

I spent half of my winter break being absolutely devastated, depressed, I cried over her, I would walk alone to the school parking lot and just sit in my car. I would smoke a joint alone in my car, and just stare outside the night sky and just think about her.

During the first space, she came over twice to say hello but I wasn't there. It was clear that she valued what we had, that she cared about me deeply, and she does, or she did.

She came over to my apartment at the 2nd part of the break (after new years), and it was like a fresh new start. There was so much energy, it was like we never took a break, but our relationship just entered a whole new level. This was when we started to get intimate...


Intimacy:
The first day we met during the break (after our space), she slept on my bed with me. It was insane, it was absolutely unbelievable. We didn't do anything, but she was right there next to me, breathing in and out, sleeping. I saw every single detail of her face, and I was stunned. I absolutely couldn't believe this is happening, the girl I was in love with, someone I NEVER IMAGINED TO GET INTIMATE WITH, was right here, right fucking here. She said we could never be, yet this was really happening. We started to see each other in a different light, when she came over she started to look at me for no reason. I mean look into my eyes, smile, and we would just stare at each other. It was an energy that was simply impossible to define by words. The next time we slept together, we kissed for the first time, we felt each others body, we held hands and she said that she never felt this insane energy before, not even with her boyfriend. She told me we were spiritually connected, and we were. It was not like any relationship I've had with anyone, we were really connected. She told me about her scars, I told her about my suicidal tendencies. She cared deeply about me, and me with her.

Our intimate phase lasted two weeks, and it was all my fault. I started to feel insecure, nervous around her. When she came over and all my roommates were playing video games, I started to feel like she didn't care about me. But that was not the case, I was being extremely insecure. She told me that I needed to learn how to be happy with myself, she felt pressured that my happiness depended upon her. And she was right.

I learned a lot from her, I tapped into my spiritual energy and learned how to be happy for ME, for myself.

However, after we got intimate, because of my insecurities, our friendship started to go in a roller coaster with its ups and downs. We started to play this push and pull game, where I took space, then she came to me, then she took space, and I came to her. I wanted us to get back to the intimate phase, but she said that I should give up on her. She said she was obsessed with me periodically, but she said it was just a spark that came and went, it was "normal"


She is a free spirit, very independent, very real and true to herself, but that is why my insecurities started to spark. I've never had this amount of anxiety and nervousness with anyone, but because we were so connected, I was very emotional and dramatic.


We recently took space and got back together again as friends ( 2 weeks ago ), and this is where my problem is. Right after we started talking again, we started to get close. We said we loved each other almost every night, everytime we hung out. We started to read together and I could see her in the corner of my eye just looking at me, and I started to feel the intimacy rise again perhaps. However...

I told her one night that " I just wanted to say that I hope you have a good night and I love you very much:) " which was apparently normal to me, as we've said love you good night before occasionally. However, right after I sent that, the next day, she started to ignore me. Not directly, but every time I tried to engage in a normal conversation, she was very passive aggressive. Replying with one word answers etc. She knows when something is wrong with me, and I know when something is wrong with her. It was very clear that she was annoyed with me.

I confronted her about it and she said that it was "weird" that i sent that message, and that took me by complete surprise. Now, we barely talk, and if we do, it's just meaningless, shallow small talk.

I don't know what to do, everytime I see her with friends and laughing, I start to feel unhappy, that her attention wasn't towards me. I feel so lost, I don't want to lose her as a friend because she has made a very big impact on my life, but at the same time, I feel unhappy around her for a reason.


I love her, but I don't like her.


And now I can feel ourselves drifting away, and it makes me sad to think about all the good times we've had. When we hung out everyday, we laughed at things that made no sense to anyone else except for us. And now, it's just slowly fading away, and we are going our separate ways.

Hello. :) First, I want to say it's very brave of you to share your story. Love can be euphoric and devastating, I know. I've been there more than once.

Well, I will share an experience of mine because what you've shared reminded me. One day a few years ago, I got a facebook message from a girl who I was in a group with. We had never contacted each other before, but she just wanted to reach out and say hi. We hit it off right away as friends. Coincidentally, we both lived in the same part of the country, so we started meeting up every so often. After about six months of close friendship, I started to develop feelings for her. I told her so, and it made her uncomfortable. Her last relationship had ended badly, and she didn't want to go there with me. So, like with you, we engaged in this very emotional tug of war....one day we'd be friends, then we'd be like lovers, then she'd withdraw and want to be friends again, then there would be times she acted cold and distant. Then finally, after about a year of back and forth, she abruptly ended our shaky relationship and left me shattered.

After all the dust cleared, I realized a couple things. 1) Love is truly blind. I was willing to ignore a lot of negative things about her, including the way she treated me badly when I didn't deserve it. 2) I depended on her too much for my emotional fulfillment. Even though she cared about me a lot, it was my dependence on her that was keeping her from fully embracing me. She was very academically accomplished and also very independent. I was still struggling with my depression and had very little to show for my life. I had goals and plans, but hadn't taken steps to follow through.

So all in all, I would say that it's not your fault at all that you fell in love with this girl. Love can strike at any time, but not always the ideal time. It's true that you should be a whole person before you go into a relationship, so that your partner adds to your happiness, not becomes your happiness. I've been ignoring this advice for a long time, and it's caused me a lot of turmoil. It's easy for someone to take you for granted when they feel you need them. I might be wrong, but it sounds like that's what your female friend is doing now.

I'd say it's best to focus on you and becoming fulfilled in yourself. She did teach you a valuable lesson, that you should learn to be happy within yourself. I know it's not easy...I'm still trying to figure out how it works myself. But I know it's a goal worth striving for.

This is just my two cents....I do hope it helps. All the best.