I don't expect many people to read this and/or reply, but I like knowing that whoever does come across this won't judge me as they feel my pain too.
I've been severely depressed for almost 2 years. I can't deal with it any more. I've lost my boyfriend, many friends and my family are fed up with me. I'm failing at college and no matter how hard I try to push myself, it always backfires on me and I end up taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back - for every day I push myself to leave the house, there's 2 more days where I simply can't.
I'm so scared that I'm going to end up alone. My boyfriend of 3 years left me because he "couldn't deal with it" - the "it" being what I have to go through on a daily basis. I'm terrified that this is never going to end. I'm only 18 but I feel as drained as an elderly woman would. My friends have completely deserted me, all of them but one. I am so lucky for having this one friend still in my life, however it doesn't make up for the loss of many. I was popular and smart and beautiful before depression took that away. Now, I have no one, I'm slow and tired, and every time I look in the mirror all I see are flaws.
My whole life has become a darkness that swallows me up more and more each day. The negativity completely consumes me, but I still put on a brave and happy face for my family. I go through so much pain daily to ensure my parents and siblings who I love more than anything in this world don't see me in as much despair as I'm in. But that still isn't good enough. During an argument with my mum a few days ago, my sister told me that I'm always looking for someone to blame for my depression, and that all I want to do is bring everyone down with me.
My sister was my best friend. When she said those things, the words stung like none other have done before. I'm ALWAYS blamed because of my illness, whether it be arguments with friends or family or teachers, or any issues that I want to confront with people. It's always my fault because I'm a "crazy bitch".
I hate feeling this way. I hate crying myself to sleep every night. I hate being called crazy. I hate that I've lost myself. But most of all, I hate people telling me that they miss the old me. Because I miss the old me too. Every single day I wake up missing the feeling of positivity. I miss being happy and feeling beautiful and confident. I miss my life before depression and I'm terrified I'll never get it back.
When I was a little girl, I used to get terrible nightmares about the same monster. For months after they stopped, I was scared to go anywhere because I thought there were monsters in real life. Now I realise the only monsters are in my head.