I'm that fed up I dont know what to do...! :((
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I'm that fed up I dont know what to do...! :((

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Old 02-17-14, 07:18 AM   #1
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Hi...

Basically I'd just like some advice. Let me tell you my story.

Firstly I have no one too talk too. Well no one I can trust anyway :( It's really hard for
me to talk about things too, but here goes..

I'm 22 years old and in a nutshell I worry about a lot about things. My job being one, as I feel that I'm not really going anywhere. I'm an IT person, basically I fix computers etc. I can't say I really fix things, I more likely break them, not on purpose. I've been working in IT for 3years now and I can't say that i'm learning a lot. I don't really have a lot of training so I find it hard when learning new things as it's just me coping out of a really thick text book. I would pay for my own training but it's so expensive :(. Secondly my boyfriend, we have been going out for nearly a year now and I feel that he has changed since I first met him. He's not really the same guy anymore, he used to always listen and be there for me. Now I feel like he doesn't care. He's 22 by the way. I really care for him and love him. But I feel like he doesn't have the time for me anymore. I think the main reason this has happened is because we haven't had sex yet during our relationship. It's all my fault as the reason is because I feel I'm not ready yet. I have tried talking about it with him and he says he understands. But I think it's making him unhappy. I don't blame him as it's my fault.

Now all of this is making me so unhappy. I hate being here. I'm so fed up I don't know what to do and I sometimes cry myself to sleep. I'm very depressed and I recently had my first panic attack. I just dot want to be here anymore

Help please..
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Old 02-17-14, 12:46 PM   #2
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Sorry to hear you feel so crappy. What has helped me though extremely complex and hard times is to take on one small change at a time. In fact, this is the *only* way I've gotten through some of the worst times. I've been experiencing a relapse in my depression lately and one of the ways I am coping is to make many little deals with myself throughout the day in order to do what needs to be done. I made a deal that I had to get out of bed but could sit with a cup of coffee and do nothing else while I was drinking it. Then I made a eal that Ihad to have a shower but could rest afterwards if I needed to. Then, that I had to eat a healthy breakfast but could have cookies later if I still want them. Then, that I had to walk the dog but that I only had to go around the block if I couldn't go further. These little things that are good for me add up.

I find this helps when approaching bigger issues as well. You can't fix your entire relationship in one day, but you could sit and have one conversation about one issue, maybe? And then set a goal to work on that one thing first. Similiarly, at your job. Could you spend ten minutes a day looking for another job that might fulfill you better? Commit to applying for one job per week? Save $25 per paycheque to put toward your education? I find that a lot of times these issues end up feeling so complex and intertwined, like a giant plate of spaghetti in front of you so attacking them one little piece at a time is the only way (for me at least) to make any progress at all.

As far as anxiety and panic, I strongly suggest trying guided breathing-focused mediations. You can search "meditation for anxiety" on youtube and it's free. Ten minutes of meditating a day, consistently, changed my life. If it becomes so bad that you're not sleeping or are unable to function, please consider talking to your doctor. There are very light meds that can help a lot with this too. They won't solve the root problems but they can help you cope.

Good luck. I know it's hard, but it's not insurmountable if you take it one issue, one hour, one day at a time.

Last edited by quixotia; 02-17-14 at 12:48 PM. Reason: forgot to add
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Old 02-19-14, 10:19 AM   #3
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Thanks quixotia for your reply. I get what your saying taking things one step at a time. Things seem to be getting worse though. My job is still the same and I feel like im messing things up constantly . I also saw my boyfriend last night to tell him how I felt using your method. I told him that I felt bad about things like not being able to see him as often and not having sex. He just turned around and said I was overacting and its been hard for him to wait so long for no sex. After I left him I burst out into tears. Am I in the wrong for wanting to wait? Is it all my fault?

I just finding things even more hard. I sat here not knowing what to do next. Please help. Don't know if I can carry on the way things are. :'(
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Old 02-19-14, 12:16 PM   #4
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Maybe you could start a gratitude journal where everyday, you write three things you're grateful for, like the fact that you have a good job.
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Old 02-19-14, 05:42 PM   #5
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It sounds to me like you need to do something to deal with your depressive tendencies. I think those are having an effect on your career and the relationship you described. You didn't mention if you were getting help of any kind. If not, I'd suggest you look into getting some, and/or beginning some self-help on your own.

As for your relationship, most people your age are having sex. The fact that you're not ready to may indicate some emotional problems on your part, if your reasons aren't religious or moral. Again, this is something that a professional may be able to help you determine.

As far as your job goes, my suggestion would be to sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons for staying in the IT profession. It may not be the field you really want to be in, and that could be your reason for not being more resourceful in coming up with ways of increasing your knowledge/expertise in the field. If you really, deep-down don't want to do that for a living, I'd say it's time to be honest and decide on a field you'd prefer to be in. If you do like IT work, there are a lot of free means you can use to increase your expertise. I actually used to have an IT business, and the best way I know to learn is to google each new problem you have that you don't know how to deal with. If you don't how to remove a certain virus/trojan, use google to find the answer. The same with hardware problems, networking, etc. The more you do this, the more you know, and soon you'll be able to do a lot of different things. The best IT people I know have learned on their own this way.

I hope that helps.
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Old 02-19-14, 09:27 PM   #6
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Rakelloo, I'm sorry to hear it went badly with your partner. I feel really strongly that we should be with people who respect and care for us, and if your partner doesn't (as his reaction to your trying to talk to him tells me), he might not be the best person for you to be with.

A good friend told me once that it doesn't really matter *why* you need what you need in a relationship, and that (especially in relationships) we pathologize ourselves way too much. A better, more fulfilling approach (in her opinion then, and in mine now) is to find someone who will treat you with kindness and compassion, and whose values match yours. You are not wrong for wanting to wait, if that's really important to you. He's also not wrong for wanting to have sex, not inherently, if that's important to him. Neither one of you is wrong, it sounds like you want different things. I'm not coaching you to break up with him necessarily, but 22 is young (I'm 32 and am SO different than I was ten years ago, honestly, this is a massive time of change for most people). Someone who tells you that you're overreacting when you are being honest and vulnerable is, in my opinion, someone who's not truly dedicated to you and to supporting you. It took me a long time and a lot of feeling shitty about myself in relationships that weren't right for me before I realized that. A lot of my girlfriends have had or are in similar situations and it breaks my heart because I know that it is possible to be loved for exactly who you are but that not that many people are truly up to the challenge, and I had to be alone for a while because of that.

Sorry, I don't mean to make this all about me. What I'm saying is, how you feel is not *wrong*. I agree with the two previous posters that a gratitude journal and spending time thinking about your profession are good ideas. You might even find that if you sit down with your boss and talk to them about some of the challenges you're having, they could be helpful. They might support you to get more training or give you some new challenges to keep you from being bored. Good employees are hard to find and keep and chances are they'll be open to helping you so that you can stay.

Finally, remember that things won't change all at once just because you want them to. I used to be a counsellor and often I'd see people deciding to make big monumental changes in their lives and then burning out after a few days with frustration that just because they decided they wanted things to be different it didn't mean everything was. Taking things one at a time, day by day, helps. Change is a process and can be super frustrating, but definitely can happen.

Sorry if that was too much! keep us posted.
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Old 02-20-14, 07:49 AM   #7
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Firstly thankyou, thankyou for your replies. Sensual girl, tortured artist and quixota.

Let me start by saying the last few days have been so hard for me. My heads been all over the place. Sensual girl I think your idea is a good one and I am willing to give it a try, it may help so thanks. Tortured artist. I understand what your saying and I'm not getting any help because it doesn't matter whether I ask my friends etc they just don't want to know. So im trying to manage on my own. I get the fact that you said most people my age are having sex. It's not that I don't want to, I want to make sure that its the right person. That's all I've ever wanted to do find someone who loves me for me. Thankyou for the advice about my job that sounds like a good idea, I shall give it a try, appreciate your advice.

Quixotia, Thankyou for your reply, let me say you weren't making the post about you, your just trying to help. I appreciate your replies very much. I fully understand what you have said in your post. I feel that you are quite similar to me in a way. I'm glad someone understands the fact that when I say im not ready, I'm not. It's not that I'm not it mainly because like you said I want it to be with the right guy and I strongly agree with you, a relationship is about both sides caring for one another and true love. Let me start from the beginning with my relationship.... Basically I met him on a night out and we started to get to no one other and went from there really. We went to different places and spent our weekends doing things together. We have been going out for a year near enough. I started to slowly fall in love with him, he was different and he would do nice things for me and listen to me when I had problems. Now things have change over the last 3months. It's like I'm invisible and don't exist. I'm always over reacting or doing things wrong. I will say since our relationship I have only made one mistake and that is not having sex! everything else, like the love, care and forgiving I have done. He on the other hand has made quite a few mistakes and I have always forgiven him. I told him that the reason I didn't want sex straight away, I told him the reasons why etc, I told him all this out of my own confidence. (He's the only person on the earth that knows, none of my friends do!, I trusted him.) I found out near Christmas time that he had told one of his friends this. I was so hurt, I cried for two whole days I was that upset. When I confronted him shortly after, he said that it just came out. He then got in his car and drove off. Now my being the person that I am felt really bad about what had happened. So I drove to his and waited till he came home. I explained that I could tell he was upset etc and I wanted to move on from this. He said that he now truly knew what I meant to him and that he was lucky to have me. I truly believed this. Later on though things got a little worst one being that we went away for the weekend with friends and we had an argument. He just walked off, when he came back I was crying and told him how sorry I was. We still went out that night with all our friends, the next thing I knew it was 4am and I was having a panic attack?! I've never had one before, I don't know even what caused it. The next day he said it was all in my head. You can only imagine how I felt. even worse so I apologised. The reason I'm still with him is because I understand that everybody makes mistakes so I forgave him. I understand to a males perspective about not wanting to wait for sex. However he said that he would wait and when I'm ready to let him know. That hasn't been the case I feel so much pressure about the sex thing, that's why I haven't done it. Also I need to make an appointment to the doc's to be put on the pill as that's one of the main reasons I'm scared to death of getting pregnant (I do worry a hell of a lot.) I haven't had the will power to even go, I hate the doctors so much. I have tried so hard to not lose him and to not give up but i'm so unhappy at the moment, I don't know what to do and I'm seeing him tonight? :'(

I understand that things wont change overnight. I don't know what to do, maybe he doesn't truly love me? maybe i'm not enough? , maybe everything my fault?
I do still love him very much. but he starting to change I think into a person I don't know anymore. I think he wants the best of both worlds but I need him to most of all to respect and support me. and lastly I need his love :(

thanks for your post. I'm glad i'm not on my own.
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Old 02-20-14, 09:50 AM   #8
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Hi Rakelloo,

Panic attacks are not "all in your head" as any of us who have suffered from them can confirm. Sorry you had to go through that; they can definitely be brought on by stress and it sounds like you're under quite a bit of it right now.

I truly think the best thing you can do for yourself is to trust yourself and that you know that you need. It sounds like you need to be with someone who you can trust and who makes you feel loved, appreciated, understood, supported, respected, and not worse about yourself. These are all totally reasonable things to want. Your job is to decide whether or not your current relationship is giving you what you need, especially after you've tried repeatedly to get it.

Worrying about getting pregnant is perfectly reasonable, and not having sex with someone who makes you feel pressured to do so is actually really smart. Many people do what they think they "should" when it comes to sex and not what they really want, and end up regretting it. Trust your body and your heart, as cheesy as that may sound. You know so much more about what you need and want than what you're giving yourself credit for. Sex is a bigger deal for some people than for others. Loads of people are capable of having enjoyable sex without deep emotional connection and (perhaps most importantly) trust and that's totally fine, but many of us can't.

Here's something you can try: read your own post and think about what you'd say if it was your best friend or sister going through what you're going through. What would you want that person to know about how they deserve to be treated? Would you say that how she's feeling is all her fault or is she reacting pretty understandably to how she's being treated? You may be able to guess what my opinion is on that. :)

Personally, I think you deserve a lot better than to be made to feel bad for being honest and genuine about what you want.
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Old 02-21-14, 11:08 AM   #9
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Hi Quixotia,

I agree they aren't all in your head at all. They cant be helped. It was a frightening experience. I have tried so hard to speak to him to make him listen and understand I just don't think he does. I saw him last night. For less than 30 mins. He acted as if the conversation we have the night before never happened. I felt abit better as he acted more like the old him. I don't think he needs me anymore, its like im useless and im not enough at all. I am glad you said that worrying about getting pregnant is reasonable. He hasn't pressured me as such, but he gives me that look and that was what are argument was about when we went away for the weekend. I just don't think I can have sex with someone like this. He said he would wait, he promised he loved me? He said he understood? Were these all lies? secondly all his friends more important then me? I have always let him do whatever he wants but id like to spent abit more time with him. Maybe if I didn't feel pressured about things, I may of have sex with him by now.

If I was to read my own post back and say it was my friend going through this. I would tell her that its not right and that she needs someone who will, listen, love and respect her. And your right quixotia that's all i'm doing being honest about what I want. The main thing is now I don't no what to do? i'm so confused after last night? He doesn't really listen when im explaining stuff. He didn't say he understood. I don't know if I can carry on with the way things are. I'm seeing him on the weekend again. what should I do? :( I'm still struggling to cope. :(

I still love him. The question is does he love me at all???? :(

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your advice.
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Old 02-21-14, 03:56 PM   #10
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Hi rakelloo,
I feel like I'm kind of jumping in here, but reading through this trail of posts, I wanted to help support you. You really sound like a beautiful person who is in a tough place and I can say that I'm about there too in the same areas of my life.
You just keep thinking about if this were a sister or beat friend. Sometimes we are more easily able to love ourselves when we feel like it is someone else.
If you feel like sex isn't the thing for you, that is you. And honey, I'm so in love with the 22 year old I'm with, but I'm scared to death about a baby too even while on birth control. I think if you ultimately decide to have sex with him or anything else, you need to decide how you would be if the ultimate bad thing were to happen. Accepting these things will help quwell your worries when you love someone.
I feel like I ended up rambling a little bit, but I hope something out of all that helped.
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