Wow, I'm back again after all these years... has it been 8..? Makes me want to think if the reason I'm getting lows is actually just because of me.. because of my damned stupid, naive, idealistic (?) self. But I have never fought so hard before and stood up strong while quivering.. only to be shattered by none other than the person who should be standing beside me. He pulled the rug and ditched me.
Or did he? Am I just making all of these shit up and thinking I am depressed when I am not? Have I only been pitying myself...? Putting up walls and closing doors from everyone else just so I can save/defend myself? Feeling safe and content that I am with family and that is what matters most in life when deep inside I am incomplete?
And now, the person inside the small group that I let inside my walls came hurting me too in the end.. where will that leave me? Inside the wall with my kids and him? Outside the wall with strangers? I can't post my conversations witih myself on FB nor can I post it on twt. I dont want to talk with my family... i just want to wallow in my misery. Because, haven't I always? This'll only make it strong... i think... I only have myself since the beginning and the end..
And I sit here alone in a room waiting for tears that should have long came. But there aren't any. What I wanna do surprisingly is work. Just work this all off...? To prevent the strangers outside my walls from inflicting any more damage to someone who is crumbling inside?
People are mean.. just because they think I am lucky or that I appear to have it all, probably think that it is a crime for me to feel despair. But I am human... why do I have to suffer because of people's judgment and misconception of me? Why do I have to suffer just because I got myself in a good place well ahead of my time? Didn't I get what I have fairly and squarely? I didn't steal, I didn't kill anyone. So why? Why..
If only they knew what I am going through.. how I have been going through.. they would understand.. if only they knew..
I didnt want to admit it to myself but I know it's the truth... so since Im basically talking to myself and letting out steam, I just want to laugh at how pathetic it is that some 2D characters are all it takes to make me happy now. That twting about their lives and basically talking to myself like what I am doing now, is the only thing that had been making me happy.
God help me please... why is this happening