im 24 and i feel like i was 60...
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im 24 and i feel like i was 60...

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Old 08-18-10, 04:45 PM   #1
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hey

im a 24 year old guy that doesnt know what to do. i know that i am depressed. i dont think about suicide or hurting myself. thats just not me. somewhere in the back of my mind theres still hope that life once can become good again and that keeps me from thinking about hurting myself.

last year i came to the uk, london to be precise. i was born and lived in poland for my entire life, and on a one 'nice' day i just thought: 'this is it. im fed up and i need to get away'. and here i am, almost a brand new uk citizen.

before anyone implies it i want to make clear that ive been depressed long time before i decided to move here, so its not the cause. it just contributes.

anyway, i think i should briefly describe myself and my background.

i was brought up in a good family, with strong family traditions and moral rules. i was raised to be a honest, fair man. i was raised to believe in people, work, trust, honesty, friendship, god and all the nice things society / people once believed in. i have loving parents (although not perfect, which i will tell later), and i think im quite smart yet modest, open and friendly. but im also bitter. or maybe i should write: life made me bitter.

since i can remember we didnt have money. we didnt starve, but we lived (my parents and brother still do) in a small flat (50 square meters) in a small city where everybody knows everyone, and life goes slowly. i have never had fancy toys, sometimes i got the smallest sets of lego bricks :) ive never worn the clothes i wanted, always second-hand or some rubbish from the market. needless to say, you know how cruel kids can be - so i was always ashamed of not having nike shoes, my dad driving a 20 year old car, not having money for school trips, etc. BUT i gotta say that that wasnt a big deal. that was just the way it was, and even though i didnt like it, it didnt bother me that much. i just got used to it.

so the life went on, i was growing older and older, and i have never drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes or anything. even in high school i felt a bit left out because i didnt drink. maybe not left out, because i didnt think it was cool to drink or anything, it was more like i couldnt understand the rest of the kids, why do they do this and why are they so dumb. but still, i think i was quite cheerful even though i was rather a bit of a lonely guy. but it still, didnt bother me, i read books, watched movies, sometimes hung out with some other kids (not too many, but i had a couple of so-called 'friends'). i was doing my own thing living in my own world and it was "OKAY".

then i met this girl, we were in the same class, and obviuosly i fell in love with her. that was a stupid young love, but it happened without asking so what could i do? things werent so cool, because she had a boyfriend. for quite a while i was just her friend, and to be honest i didnt think about anything more. girls just wasnt the topic that occupied my mind at that time. but as it turned out, she felt something for me too. so we hung out ALL THE TIME. i used to pick her up before school, then we sat toghether during the classes and then i walked her home and stayed until 5 pm until i had to catch a bus home. after 5, it was her boyfriends time. after a while i started to get anxious and annoyed about the whole situation and i started asking her to be fair and choose - him or me. at this point i should stress that we were NEVER a couple but people in school notice things so everybody knew there was something going on. nevertheless, she was always saying 'oh, its so hard, i dont know what to do, i cannot choose between the two of you but i dont want to hurt you'... so was i supposed to do? i just had to accept it. it was like that all the time, with some lows and highs but most of the time it was all the same. i dont know if she had sex with him or not, i didnt even want to know, so i havent asked.

because of the way i was raised, i believed in virginity, purity and all this stupid crap, so especially because of this i didnt want to know. obviously, that doesnt mean we didnt do 'stuff'. we did some things her boyfriend would go crazy about. lets say we went all the way except having intercourse. anyway, so thats how i got stuck in a weird triangle. at some point this guy found out about us and it was a bit unpleasant, but eventually he couldnt do anything but accept the things how they were. she was dealing the cards. there was an episode of 'how i met your mother' in which ted (one of the main characters) had a relationship like this - one is keeping other person close to herself 'in case anything goes wrong'. like a spare wheel. so i was a spare wheel 'just in case'. i dont have to say that it was HARD. i cried a lot during that time, couldnt sleep, all the usual stuff. then a fourth actor came to play his role in this weird relationship. our friends boyfriend. to this day i dont know what was his purpose, why did he bother about us or why did he do what he did. i just dont know. im positive he is mad. he was always EXTRA JEALOUS of his girlfriend (she was our friend), and somehow he thought im hittin on her or something like that and started to bully me and threat me. but again, after a few conversations with his girlfriend it was supposed to be okay. but it wasnt. what im gonna write now is something that i have no idea on how it did happen. its just beyond my understanding. but, to get to the point, my 'almost-girlfriend' started receiveing calls 'you will be raped, you will be beaten, etc'. and so did i. 'i will kill you. we will grab you after school, put you in the trunk, break your hands and legs and leave you in the woods'. WTF? seriously, i didnt have a clue WHAT WAS GOING ON. these calls went on for some time, and they scared the shit out of me. by that time i have cried because i was in love with a person that doesnt love me, but yet keeps me near, and i also cried because i feared about my life. it lasted about two months, and ill skip some events, but in the end things ended up with my dad dealing with this guy (he simply called the police) and me splitting up with the girl. it was sometime at the end of school year. then just before the school year ended, WE GOT TOGETHER. she broke up with her boyfriend and for a FULL WEEK we were a couple. even though i was exhausted from all the earlier events, i was finally happy. or i thought i was, because when the summer came i went to my grandmas house and she went to italy. i dont know if she met someone or not, but i think she did, and she just texted me 'its over' even though thoughout entire time she was away, we were sending each other emails, texting, etc. it hit me hard. i spend all the summer vacation crying and wishing to die. then, when the next school year started, we havent spoken a word (!) for an entire year. imagine how awkward it was, sitting in the same class, next to each other and not saying a word about what the hell have happend. then again by the end of the year, we got back together. right now, i dont remember how, but we just did. it was good. when she invited me to prom i knew this time this might just work out fine. but on our prom night i saw her making out with some other guy... i was devastated. after the prom, without saying a word, she started dating him. so again, we havent spoken a word and i was left humiliated, heartbroken, depressed and exhausted. THEN on out third year of high school, she apologised to me and i dont know how i could be that dumb, but we got back together again. we decided to visit my grandma and we went to hers for a week. but during this week i finally realised who im dealing with. she was unbearable. i cant even recall what was it that made me open my eyes, but i broke up with her at the end of the week, and she went back home alone and i stayed at my granmothers.

since then i was in a huge depression. i couldnt understand why and i think all these questions "WHY", why did she do this to me three times, why someone was threathing to kill me, why did she cheat on me, what did i do to deserve being treated like a piece of shit? these questions rang in my head and i couldnt get away from them.

this have changed me. changed me for good. i started to drink, party, meet people, pick up girls at the clubs, make out with them, etc, etc. but i still havent had sex. so i was living in my own piece of hell, somewhere between being dead and breathing. i got accepted to law school and i moved out to a new city. even though life was shit and nothing seemed to make me happy, good school, new opportunities - i managed to go through this. but as it turned out, it was all just a scam. i didnt make many friends, i was always sad and alone, and in addition to this i failed my studies.

by that time i got so used to life being a constant pain that i didnt give a damn about anything. i just thought 'lets bite my tongue and see whats out there for me'. i moved to my grandmothers and for some time i worked in a design company, not making much, living day after another and the days just passed by. i was going down, drinking, making out with random girls, coming back home at 5 am and going to work at 7. i just didnt care.

then my grandma told me she would pay for my college. so i thought: 'thank god, maybe this is my last chance'. so again i went to some other city to start a new life. the school seemed okay, i was studying web design which is what i do for a living, and even though the classes were a bit too easy for me (i already knew half of the things) it was okay. i made some friends and i met my girlfriend. so, finally things were looking good.

(ill continue in the next post)
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Old 08-18-10, 05:36 PM   #2
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so, as i said, life seemed quite okay. i met my girlfriend, i was studying something i like, i made new friends, i enjoyed life. but it wasnt long, before fate found me. as the first semester neared to an end, i worked hard, i had outstaning grades and i was determined to get everything from life i could. i passed the exams and... i think ive lost myself. as i got used to in law school, i was expecting everyone to work hard, including me but it turned out that this school i was in, was pure rubbish, because nobody cared about anything. students cared only about partying and sleeping until noon, and the teachers didnt care about students. it didnt make any difference if you showed up on the lecture or not. and even if i did, the lessons were boring and pointless, because even teachers didnt make any effort to actually do anything. so whenever we were in class, we were just surfing the net and basically biding our time. i dont have to say that this wasnt how i imagined my college - doing nothing. so because of a lack of a better thing to do, we were partying. we were partying so much that one day we got kicked out of the dorm for something that we didnt even do. but there was no point in arguing, because when they judge a group that you are a part of - you just are as guilty as everyone else.

then again, things started to get worse. by that time i was drinking and smoking cigarettes regularly and i didnt do anything. the school seemed pointless because of pointless classes and overwhelming feeling of 'nobody-gives-a-damn-about-anything' and things started to get worse. i failed my 2nd year, and my 3rd year as well. but to be fair, it wasnt entirely my fault, because during that time i was doing some projects for cash as a freelancer, so i can honestly say that half o this time i was partying and the other half i was making money. anyway, NOBODY in the college administration seemed to be bothered that everyones failing (that wasnt just me, like a 60% of my year), they were just happy to see checks rolling in. i think their tactic was: it doesnt matter they fail. if they want to finish this school, theyll be happy to pay us for another year or two. so, with that attitude, i started to get more and more arrearages (sorry, im not sure if thats the correct word for it) and i kept working as a freelancer to pay for the school. eventually i found myself in a wicked circle: i have to think of ways how to get money to pay for school because my parents wont pay for my failures again, and because of this i dont have time to actually do some work for school, but i cannot just start doing my school work and forget getting contracted work, because then i wont have any money to pay for the school!

so i thought to myself: i need a steady job so i will have money every month and then i will be able to do my school stuff in my free time. i started looking for a full time position and i found one. the pay was quite okay, and at that time i was thinking that maybe its not that bad and i still have a chance to make things right. but soon it shown that i dont have much time to do school work and im too tired after work to do anything. in addition to this, i started to hate my work, because the project i was working on in it were so damn dull and pointless... also, i had a feeling that life 'forces' me to be in that situation. in a situation where i am somewhere in between - between being and adult and being a teen - between working and finishing my college. i felt trapped and i felt like i was floating in a bubble driven by some awkward winds to a destination thats nowhere near of what i want it to be. this went on for almost another year, and i was totally fed up with it. i didnt see any solution. its either work or studies. but both seemed impossible. and frankly, the more i think about it, im sure it was impossible to have a full time job and full time studies.

i also knew that since i started making my own money, my parents wont give me any more money. and even if they would, i wouldnt take it. i knew they needed it.

so on a sunny day sometime in may last year i was driving back from work and i got stuck in a traffic jam. i thought to myself: 'this way leads me nowhere. neither towards a proper job, because i have no opportunities to get a promotion or learn new things, and neither brings me closer to finishing my college, because i dont have time and money for it. i need to get away'.

and i thought - england. lets think this for a second: the purpose of education system is to educate you to have a good job. what if id just have a good job? im good at what i do and im not learning anything even at school, the only purpose of me being in that college was to get a degree. so what if i could skip this part and just get a GOOD JOB based on my skills and not just education? and after sleeping with this thought for a couple of days, i bought a ticket. i was struggling with myself if i should leave or not, what will my parents say, how am i gonna make it work out with my girlfriend, how will it be out there - in a foreign country with no backup, friends or family? but ive been down so many times that i just decided to go.

so, i quit my job. i quit school. i packed my bags. kissed everyone goodbye, even though my girlfriend was mad (sad) at me, and i jumped on that plane.

i was lucky enough to have a friend who lives in london, and he let me stay until i found a job. for a while i was working as a rickshaw driver, ive also done two websites for some sleazy guys that didnt pay me (they just paid me 1/4th of the whole sum) and after two months i was balancing between hope and hopelessness. i thought i will never find a job. i kept thinking if i should go back while i still have money or if i should stay, be strong and try not to give up. every day, seemed like a struggle. i have almost given up, i bought a ticket back home and i was already packed when two days before my flight back to poland i found a job. as a web designer. although i was happy and for a second i thought that things will be okay, they wasnt. fate seemed to follow me all the way from poland and it kicked me in the ass again. the job was terrible. it was terrible because of three things: 1) it was pointless and boring 2) people around me were older than me and minded their own business at all time, there was no possibility of making any friends 3) i felt insecure. during 6 months of me working for this company, 12 people have been fired from my department which consisted of 7 people. people just came and went and everybody was living in a constant fear of being made redundant. i dont have to say, that it doomed over me as well, and that it made my life a living nightmare again. out on my own, in a foreign country, with no friends and family, NO SAVINGS, no girlfriend and a bunch of bills to pay I DREADED THE THOUGHT OF BEING REDUNDANT. every day, it was getting worse and worse. one day our manager came to us and he just told us: guys, im not supposed to say this, but i think you should be looking for new jobs soon. and i freaked out. what am i gonna do without a job? should i go back to poland? what will i do there? i cannot rely on my parents, because they barely can pay off their rent and a bunch of loans. with these thoughts in my head, i started to look for something else. i kept looking for another two months and i have to say, it was an exhausting experience. i started to lose hope that i will find something and i was so depressed that i didnt even have the strenghth to get out of bed to go to the work that i still had. i didnt tell my parents about these things, because i didnt want to upset them. at least they can be happy thinking that im doing okay. besides, i never tell anything to my parents. anyway, i finally found a new job after all and that brings me to the current evens...
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Old 08-18-10, 06:13 PM   #3
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okay, so heres how the things are right now.

after all this struggle i have a job. they pay well. and my girlfriend has finally come over. she has a job too. and... everything sucks.

my job is pointless. my boss is getting on my nerves because hes a rich guy that doesnt know anything about anything but he thinks he knows everything. its not uncommon, that i have to do something a couple of times because he 'is always right' and then at the end it turns out that ive spend two weeks doing something that was pointless, because if i would have done it MY WAY from the beginning, it would be done in 3 days. obviously, in his eyes this is MY FAULT and he tells me im underperforming. recently, he had a conversation with me which can be summarised in one sentence: hes not happy and he wants to fire me. he wants to fire me for HIS mistakes! it drives me crazy! i feel so sad about it, because seriously, i was raised to respect everybody, especially people who are above me in a business relationship, i was raised to work hard and do the best i can and thats what im doing, but its never enough, simply because HE doesnt know a thing about internet! every day brings me more to the previous state of not willing to get out of bed at all... and another thing is that right now i know that this job wont do me any good except money. i am not getting a promotion EVER because the company is too small, and i am not gonna learn anything new, because i keep doing the same things over and over again. furthermore, i think im starting to descend, because i dont do anything challenging. from a web developer i became a keyboard typist... im sick of it. every day when i get back home i just keep thinking to myself i cant stand it. i just cant.

and my girlfriend doesnt understand me at all. she doesnt support me and she wont even let me support her. when i moved over here, i did it not only for me, but for US. i did it to have a life my parents never had. to have a life i never had. to have a job, a house and some protection. i came here to LIVE not to survive.

my girlfriend is a good person, but i think shes simply immature. her parents are hm lets say a bit wealthy, not so much that they are rich, but they can certainly afford not to think about tomorrow. car has broken? well, lest buy a new one. house renovation? lets make one. holidays in austria? lets go. the point is, that my girlfriend didnt have to endure what i did and i dont think she understands what money is. i think she doesnt understand whats it like to be on the verge of falling apart, because you are struggling to pay for the bread. she just doesnt know that. and i think that this is why she told me what she did. she came over here a month ago, without a penny, i had to buy her a plane ticket, i have to pay for her food, accomodation, etc. i dont mind it, because i want to have a life with her and i know that this is just temporary and will pass. i want to support her because i appreciate her coming over to be with me. but, we discussed this before and we agreed on her coming over here now, finding a job, and staying until she knows the date of her diploma exam and the going back to take the exam and then coming here again to live with me. we had this discussion a million times and everything was perfectly planned. having this scenario in mind, ive managed to get her a job in a bar, which i know might not be her dream one, but its okay. she says she likes it. shes met new people and she enjoys working there. since its her first month, she didnt get any money yet and im paying for us, but as i said thats just temporary. so, whats the problem you could ask? well the problem is that because she doesnt understand how living on your own works, she told me last week that shes coming back to poland for TWO MONTHS instead of two weeks. and that means she WILL lose her job and will have to look for another one, which WILL BE frustrating as well for her and for me. she only needs to go for one week to pass the exam, and then she could come back here, but she told me that she wants to have some 'life' while she still can. she told me, she doesnt even know if she will come back. she told me she needs to think about what she wants from life at this stage. and basically this means: either me, or break up. i wanted to make everything perfect for her, so she wouldnt have to worry about anything. about being jobless, about money, accomodation, anything. everything was prepared for her to make the transition from poland to london as seamless as possible, and she tells me she doesnt know if she wants it. so i assume that this means that she doesnt know what she wants, isnt it? she keeps telling me im not taking care of her, she keeps blaming me of stupidest things, we didnt have sex in a year and everytime i ask shes not in the mood or she doesnt feel well. im ripping my guts out for her and i get nothing in return. i just want to have a normal life, some friends and a family. i want to have a peace of mind. i want to NOT FEEL sadness all the time.

nothing makes me happy. nothings makes sense. the things i once enjoyed are pointless. im drinking everyday before going to sleep and i smoke unbelieavable amount of cigarettes. every day i worry that i will die at 30 like my uncle did of cancer, that i will die as a failure, without having a single day in my life worth living. ive gained 15 kgs and it keeps getting worse. i eat terrible. i wake up at 7, get back home at 8 or 9, and then i drink and smoke and fight with her.

im alone. i dont have anyone to talk to, my job is making me sick, i cannot admit to anyone that im a failure, and the only person i trusted seems to be going away. i cant stand being on my own, i cant stand not having friends, i cant stand being broke, i cant stand that everything in my life is SO TEMPORARY!!! i am always so close to what i want, that i can almost touch it but i can never have it. im in a place i never wanted to be in, i do things i hate and theres nothing there to cheer me up. i cannot cry anymore. i cant sleep and i cant get rid of the thoughts of me being a failure. sometimes i think that this is just a life of some pathetic loser and im just watching it from a distance. all the things i was told to believe in, are lies. theres nothing left for me to hang on to. i am just waiting for the end.

im sorry for such a long story, and i know this was boring. i also apologise for overuse of words such as 'so' and 'but'. im sorry that all these things are so randomly mixed up together, i hope that you will make the sense out of it.

ps.
i know that its not that bad. i know. but its too much for me. even the slightest thing seems to bring me down. constantly, from 6 years.

thanks for reading.
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Old 08-18-10, 06:18 PM   #4
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oh and also there are some things i forgot to mention.

i dream of having my own design studio. but i cant do it under these circumstances. thats another thing that brings me down. i dream of having at least one friend to talk to. but i dont even have time to meet new people. besides, i dont even know how to meet new people. what? in a club? where everybody drinks and dances? its not a place to find a fellow sould... im lost, lonely, sad and im afraid ive gotten to the point with no return and no future.
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Old 08-18-10, 07:30 PM   #5
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I once met a very old lady from I think was Norway ( i was only 10 or so) and she looked me in the eye and said I had a very old soul. Now I'm not superstitious or anything, but I can definitely relate to feeling beyond my years. I often dream of living in the 6-700's when depressed, and feel homesick when I wake up, like that is where I belong, i was just born 1300 years too late.
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Old 09-08-10, 07:06 PM   #6
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so, she just left me tonight.
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Old 09-09-10, 08:36 AM   #7
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I'm sorry things are not working out for you at the moment. I'm in no position at present to give any advice as my head is not in a good place, but I just wanted to reply to your post to let you know you're not alone.
Maybe you could ask your Doctor to refer you to an NHS counsellor, they may be able to help you.
CD
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Old 10-03-10, 07:43 PM   #8
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what do i do now?

days are way too long, sleep doesnt bring rest. and actually im quite suprised to find out that everythings so bad, that it doesnt really bother me. i mean it does, but its not a tragedy. everything has just been so bad lately, that i just accept it. i feel numb. i feel terrible, sad, lonely and i cant see anything in bright colors, lifes dull and painful but it really seems like a horrible dream to me. i seem to not feel the pain although im im pain everyday (does that even make any sense?), nothing is bad enough to just give up, but theres nothing good to look for either. its like i dont wanna die, but i dont wanna live? i just want to wake up one day and find out things are just fine.

im getting up later and later, i show up at work later, i leave my work even later and i get home at 10 pm. recently my boss said that this cannot go on like this. he didnt say anything except that, but i think thats a warning. but honestly, i just CANT wake up earlier, and even if i could i DONT WANT TO. what for? at least by waking up late and staying at work until late i dont have too much time to think. by the time i get home its so late that i go straight to bed or surf the internet or whatever.

i feel like i am living someone elses live. i cant cry. i cant do anything. im anxious and stressed. i do go out occasionally with 'the people i know', and it is a good way to let the time pass, but they are not my friends and that doesnt change anything for me. things are still bad. i still feel like shit.

is there a way to help me? im so sick of being on my own. i cant talk to my parents, dont have anyone to talk to, dont have anyone to hug, im insecure, i can only count on me and i need to pretend for everyone else that im fine. but its not. i feel imprisoned. i feel sad, lonely, depressed, worthless, high, crazy, numb...

there is no god.
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Old 10-04-10, 05:00 PM   #9
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Hey, jdoe, I know exactly how you feel - this painful numbness that comes from inside and prevents you fromd oing anything. Y'know, I tried to find things that were attracting to me. Maybe you need to find something you like to help you relax - this anxiety is terrible. For example, I write, and draw, sometimes I take a picture - those hobbies make me feel a bit better.
Anything that is particularly catchy for you?
Trying to find some counseling would be good too, maybe it would help you to deal with all those issues. You seem like someone that has a lot to teach, this 'elderly' feeling can mean you're a very special person - not every elder is sad, they just have their own ways of finding happiness, maybe you just haven't found yours yet.
But you will! If you need anything, everyone is here for you!
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Old 10-05-10, 07:16 PM   #10
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hey @theyletlisagoblind.

the problem is that nothing is worth doing. there are things i could possibly enjoy doing but it doesnt make any sense to do them actually.

anyway, the first two weeks, were not that bad. it was just normal. normal regular crappy depression that i have had for a while now. but things are getting worse. i think it hit me lately. recently i had a lot of things to keep my thoughts off all the nasty stuff, my friend came over from poland and i was busy keeping her company and it was 'ok'. but now, when i am left alone, with no one to speak to, i feel the reality of the situation.

firstly, the emotional stuff. its hard. its been 5 years. she was always the one saying 'forever, always, us, future'. now shes gone, out of the blue. she said, she was miserable, she didnt want to live in london, she had enough of my problems. she never said it to me BEFORE. and its not that i didnt want to listen. she just didnt. she agreed on everything. besides, as i said, her life is good with or without me, and so it seems its better without me. she can actually do the things she wants to - she doesnt have to think about bills, loans, work, etc. she just does whatever she wants to do. sadly for me things are not that good. i need the stupid job to pay the stupid bills and hope that one day i will be able to do something that i like.

anyway, she doesnt feel like crap at all. she has found some youngsters and she goes out with them and feels like shes the queen. they probably adore her because they have an older female friend, and she likes it. shes 22 and theyre like 17. she goes out and drinks. thats what i have heard from a bunch of our friends. thats what i have seen on facebook. she doesnt realise what life is (at least for me), and she has people to keep her entertained, so she doesnt feel bad at all. but i dont get it. its not like her.

she always would say that im the one that immature, and i should act my age. dont drink, dont do stupid things, remember what happened last time when you were reckless, put some effort into our relationship and our future. those were her words. she despited all the things she seems to do right now. i asked a couple of people from her year hows their degrees. most of them have passed the final exam, others are taking it this week. she doesnt have anything ready.

everyone i talk to keeps asking me ;what happened?' its not her, its not the girl we used to know. and i know that i didnt do anything wrong. i know that maybe life with me wasnt that appealing, but as i said - she would always say 'lets work, have a home, buy a dog, settle in'. now when i was close to having all this - she acts like a prom queen, lkike a fucking 15 year old.

her actions (not only that she left me, also everything but that) tell me shes different. lets even say that she left me, because she didnt want to struggle in london, bla bla, so she decided to break up and now she is going to pursue her career, her dream job as a fashion designer (which i personally think is a little bit shallow) and shes gonna make things right on her own. but no. shes drinking beer and doing god knows what (theres no god) with some CHILDREN. she doesnt care about school nor anything of the 'adult' stuff. shes gone completely mad :( im worried. im sad, and lonely but also worried.

i know that if she would have been in my situation, she wouldnt act like this. right now the facts are: i am here on my own, alone. no friends. no family. no support from anyone. job is crap. cant save any proper money because i spend too mych living just on my own, so i just keep saving little amounts, i live in a shitty room with fucked up people and i just wake up, eat, take shit, go to work, get back home, feel sorry, take a shower (or no) and thats it.

last month i was pretty sure that in october WE will be living in a newly built flat (obviously rented, but hey!), i would be waking up at 7 and getting back at 6, she will be working 4 or 5 hours a day, and we would be saving around 1000 pounds a month to DO SOMETHING IN THE FUTURE TOGETHER. i dont know, buy a house, maybe start a business, maybe go back to poland or maybe just buy everything we like, whatever. right now, i can barely save money, because as you know, livinig on your own is much more expensive than living together.

so to sum up: a) shes completely changed (180 degrees!), and there are two factors that make me wanna dont see the next day 1) emotional 2) financial. i just cant see any point of me being here any longer. but i also cant see any point of me going back to poland. for what? to live with my parents and eat rice?

my life has just fallen apart. im devastated. i live a sad, lonely, overworked life from the 1st to the 1st, and whenever i have at least a second of free time for me, i feel so hurt and emotionally drained and cheated and left behind.

as you can see i write pretty unemotional right now. thats because the bad stuff is really bad, but the reality is reality. even though im gonna die lonely, young and sad the bills have to be payed each month.

i have NEVER hurt anyone. i have always wanted all the best for my 1st girlfriend and now for her. i have given everything up and i have given everything i earned here, to make things good for her. i have always cared. never cheated. why does everyone abandon me?

before she left, i told her that im depressed. she didnt take it into consideration either. jsut because she knows i wont kill myself, justifies her choice? how cruel is that?

and lets even try to look at the f*ng life a bit brighter: lets say ive gotten over her and i dont think about it anymore. where am i gonna find fellow people? a mate, a friend? a girlfriend? a wife? where and when? i dont have time even to buy groceries, not to mention to meet anyone. and even if i did - where? its just me and 2 other guys at work. and we dont like each other.

and the stupid anxiety about illnesses like cancer or whatever. that brings me down every day.

and i drink too much. i smoke too much. i dont get enough sleep. i dont exercise. i eat fast food. im gonna die.
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