I want me back
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I want me back

This is a discussion on I want me back within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; This is my first post, this is the first time i have ever been on a forum so bear with ...

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Old 01-04-11, 06:29 PM   #1
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This is my first post, this is the first time i have ever been on a forum so bear with me as I try to write something that makes sense. I have found with depression that so many times it is hard to express what you feel, it takes a lot of energy but I am going to try, maybe someone else out there is going through the things i am


I am a nurse who graduated nursing school almost a year ago, an A/B student, in a serious relationship with plans on getting married after graduation, had a great job lined up with awesome benefits and awesome pay especially for just coming out of school. As time went on and I started my job i realized that the stress of being a new nurse was completely overwhelming, so overwhelming that i had to leave work in the middle of shifts sometimes. I quit this job certain that I had made a mistake in choosing a major that involved such a high stress-load. After that time I also realized that marriage to the man that i had been with for several years was the wrong decision too and so i ended the relationship before the wedding. I worked a few jobs off and on while looking for another nursing job but in the back of my head I knew that nursing scared the heck out of me. I found a much less stressfull nursing job one where I got to work with children and I fell in love with it. I thought I was truly happy. I was independent (well sort of I was still living at home) but I didnt need a man to support me and I was looking at maybe moving out and starting fresh. I was okay and so happy for several months (I had been off my Lexapro for 8 months at this point thinking that a lot of my problem was my fiance) until this past October and I started going downhill. I was going out with friends and doing things I had never got to do (nothing illegal I am a nurse). But I was having the time of my life, I met this guy in a bar who I started to meet up with every once in awhile, a fling you could say. We met in the fall as well. Back to October work started getting stressful and I found myself not being able to catch up with the workload. I had moments where I would just blank out and get so overwhelmed i could not think. I got to the point where going to work gave me panic attacks, I would go to bed praying that my alarm would not go off. I even felt like I would rather run my car off the road then go to work. I had explained to my supervisor that I was having a hard time and she continued to work with me as much as possible but i could not get out of the state of mind that I was not doing a good job, that someone else could do it better and so as you probably guessed I gave my two weeks notice and quit. During this time I was contemplating quiting i couldnt get out of bed, i didnt eat, i barely had the energy to brush my teeth. This went on for two months (now three if you count January). I decided to try seeing a therapist and she has helped some, but after the session is over I go back into the mode of sleeping all the time, feeling like a failure because I can't handle the responsibility of being a nurse, I feel like a waste. I have dissappointed everyone including myself and now I am lost. I can not even express in words how dark these last few months have been. The days seem to run together, I have been to the doctor twice and they have put me on two different medications zoloft and after a week i was more down than before so they switched me to Wellbutrin and vistiril, day 8 and I am not any better. I am holding on with all my might but I am taking down those around me, my whole family has fell under with me and for that I feel responsible. I also managed to fall in love with the man i reffered to previously but unfortunately we are not looking for the same things in life right now so now that has gone away too. So here I stand I am a 24 year old woman, unemployed and i dont have a clue what to do with my life. There isnt a bone in my body that wants to do nursing at this point and I don't know why. I can't get out of bed and i feel completely hopeless. I want so much for myself but at the same time I feel lost. I don't know what to do and i dont have the strength to look for the answers. I want to look for a job but at the same time know that my anxiety at this point will probably make it hard for me to keep a steady job.
I am the picture perfect example of a person with major depressive disorder, i dont eat, i dont sleep, i have no energy, i dont talk to people, i have lost interest in doing anything, i cant focus on small tasks, i cry, i feel like a failure. What hurts the most is that i know this and I see these things in me but I am too far gone, I have lost myself. I use to be the most outgoing person you could imagine and now that person is gone and I want her back more than anything. I want me back and I want to fight for it but I need help.
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Old 01-04-11, 06:57 PM   #2
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Hey, welcome to TTL. Thanks for opening up to us. You seem like a passionate person, it's a shame that life is sucking up the energy out of you. It does that to all of us at one point. I understand what you're going through; I'm also a student who's finding it hard to find a job. I have moments where everything is hopeless and I just wanna sleep all day, or forever. I been through something recently that reignited my passion for life. I think you have to find that passion for life and love again. It's harder to do though when your mind is clouded by depression and anxiety. Focus on getting your mind back on track, it'll be easier to look at life and enjoy it. It'll be a long process, and you will stumble a few times, but you will make it, you're strong enough. When was the last time you had time to yourself, or taken a vacation? Try to use that time to get yourself back. I'll be rooting for you
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Old 01-04-11, 08:06 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gettingbacktome View Post
This is my first post, this is the first time i have ever been on a forum so bear with me as I try to write something that makes sense. I have found with depression that so many times it is hard to express what you feel, it takes a lot of energy but I am going to try, maybe someone else out there is going through the things i am


I am a nurse who graduated nursing school almost a year ago, an A/B student, in a serious relationship with plans on getting married after graduation, had a great job lined up with awesome benefits and awesome pay especially for just coming out of school. As time went on and I started my job i realized that the stress of being a new nurse was completely overwhelming, so overwhelming that i had to leave work in the middle of shifts sometimes. I quit this job certain that I had made a mistake in choosing a major that involved such a high stress-load. After that time I also realized that marriage to the man that i had been with for several years was the wrong decision too and so i ended the relationship before the wedding. I worked a few jobs off and on while looking for another nursing job but in the back of my head I knew that nursing scared the heck out of me. I found a much less stressfull nursing job one where I got to work with children and I fell in love with it. I thought I was truly happy. I was independent (well sort of I was still living at home) but I didnt need a man to support me and I was looking at maybe moving out and starting fresh. I was okay and so happy for several months (I had been off my Lexapro for 8 months at this point thinking that a lot of my problem was my fiance) until this past October and I started going downhill. I was going out with friends and doing things I had never got to do (nothing illegal I am a nurse). But I was having the time of my life, I met this guy in a bar who I started to meet up with every once in awhile, a fling you could say. We met in the fall as well. Back to October work started getting stressful and I found myself not being able to catch up with the workload. I had moments where I would just blank out and get so overwhelmed i could not think. I got to the point where going to work gave me panic attacks, I would go to bed praying that my alarm would not go off. I even felt like I would rather run my car off the road then go to work. I had explained to my supervisor that I was having a hard time and she continued to work with me as much as possible but i could not get out of the state of mind that I was not doing a good job, that someone else could do it better and so as you probably guessed I gave my two weeks notice and quit. During this time I was contemplating quiting i couldnt get out of bed, i didnt eat, i barely had the energy to brush my teeth. This went on for two months (now three if you count January). I decided to try seeing a therapist and she has helped some, but after the session is over I go back into the mode of sleeping all the time, feeling like a failure because I can't handle the responsibility of being a nurse, I feel like a waste. I have dissappointed everyone including myself and now I am lost. I can not even express in words how dark these last few months have been. The days seem to run together, I have been to the doctor twice and they have put me on two different medications zoloft and after a week i was more down than before so they switched me to Wellbutrin and vistiril, day 8 and I am not any better. I am holding on with all my might but I am taking down those around me, my whole family has fell under with me and for that I feel responsible. I also managed to fall in love with the man i reffered to previously but unfortunately we are not looking for the same things in life right now so now that has gone away too. So here I stand I am a 24 year old woman, unemployed and i dont have a clue what to do with my life. There isnt a bone in my body that wants to do nursing at this point and I don't know why. I can't get out of bed and i feel completely hopeless. I want so much for myself but at the same time I feel lost. I don't know what to do and i dont have the strength to look for the answers. I want to look for a job but at the same time know that my anxiety at this point will probably make it hard for me to keep a steady job.
I am the picture perfect example of a person with major depressive disorder, i dont eat, i dont sleep, i have no energy, i dont talk to people, i have lost interest in doing anything, i cant focus on small tasks, i cry, i feel like a failure. What hurts the most is that i know this and I see these things in me but I am too far gone, I have lost myself. I use to be the most outgoing person you could imagine and now that person is gone and I want her back more than anything. I want me back and I want to fight for it but I need help.
Hey i always felt alone from being depressed after reading your forum i just wanna run to you and hug you, feeling empty sucks and don't ever forget your not alone, if you wanna chat sometime lets do it and to figure this bs disorder!!!
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