i am tired of all the rules and correctness so i just say what i wanted to say.
not a native english speaker. i ran into this forum by just putting "i am tired of this world" into google.
this is how i feel. i am almost 34. i see no meaning in life. my father abused me my whole life, abused everyone who was weaker than him: my mother, my sister, his siblings and whoever else i don't know. he destroyed my psyche, my whole future life. my mom was too scared or lazy or i don't know what to stand up for us or for herself. if any resistance has built up in me and started to be agressive and argued with father about anything, she just made everything possible to make me suppress it. i don't know which was worse. no real rebellion from my side ever. i hated father i loved mother so i did what she had asked of me. now i consider myself a coward. everytime action was needed i suppressed it. people thought i was flegmatic although there was always inner battle inside me. passivity almost always won. i did what i was told almost always. i have no self confidence. i am the person with the lowest self confidence i know. i have always been. well... maybe my GF is about the same level. makes sense. don't know the background of this however. i figured the background of my condition recently. the whole time before that i thought i was just an idiot. i couldn't understand why o why i was so different than others. i have been thinking and thinking hours and hours, days, years.. now i know the reason finally. not that it helped me in any way. at least i understand why. i broke contact with the gentleman who is known as my father after a recent argument and waiting for him to die. he is still the same asshole with no self reflection. a primitive. no real education, no ambition, no hobbies except from destroying people close to him. no life.
with no self confidence you can't really do anything. the worst of all - you can't make and maintain relationships. the few i have are very old childhood friends. at my job i communicate with almost nobody. they must think i am weirdo. they are right i guess. when i drink enough alcohol i become a very sociable and communicative person. this is why some ppl only want to be with me when i am drunk as i am much too boring when sober. this is why i used to consume a lot of alcohol. now i don't do that anymore.
i had a lot of dreams as a kid. these dreams are gone for a long time. the last one though still lasts. i wanted a home, a girlfriend and an easy job so i can live peacefully till the end of my days.
| my dream had come true! WOW!!!||
very soon i realized this is not what i want. i am not stupid. i am not satisfied with sitting in office every day waiting for the end of the shift. watching TV or playing video games my whole free time. i don't want to be a weirdo, an asocial, a mute. i want success, love. i want satisfaction. i want a purpose, a drive. i don't want to wait for death.
there is one little problem though. what should i do?? how should i do it?? all i did until now was wasting time and thinking...about myself. ok i know everything about myself. that is not a success. this is not something ppl will pay you for.
I've tried sports. fitness. my joints started to hurt. turned out my joints have been permanently damaged. i abandoned fitness. same with swimming. i fell in love with mountain biking. i spent all free time in the forest riding the trails. unfortunately i have scoliosis so my back started to hurt. each ride was full of pain. i started to exercise my back. the pain persisted. it even worsened, now i am in constant pain each day. i am used to pain, can handle that so far.
my girlfriend is not. she suffered a back injury - three herniated discs. she was hospitalized, treated, didn't help. now she is in constant pain as well. can't do anything really. she is very depressive, cries all the time. i do what i can to help her however there is nothing i can do about it. ok i can handle my pain, my misfortune, my whole destroyed life. i can't handle watching her suffering. she is such a good girl, never hurt anybody. why has happened this to her? to us? haven't we suffered enough already??
i hate happy people. fortunate people. rich and poor. there is no justice in this world. assholes live long and prosperous lives. poor bastards as ourselves just suffer more and more disasters. the world is full of stupid assholes. their biggest problem is that their neighbor has a bigger car then they do. whining about the littlest stupidest things. they waste their lives watching stupid TV shows. they have no pain. they don't feel stupid even when acting as retarded idiots all the time. they have no self confidence issues when babbling bullshit but people who are vastly superior to them are unable to open their mouths because of something that had been happening to them during their childhood. then there are the most powerful ones for whom human life means nothing. not one life but millions of lives is nothing. they do whatever they please and despite they can do whatever they want they just want more power. all they are doing their whole lifetimes is gaining power. plebs just keep on working generating money and power for them wasting lives in whatever useless activities they encounter. oh yes i am tired of this world.