i need to let this out
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i need to let this out

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Old 07-29-16, 08:57 AM   #1
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Default i need to let this out

i am tired of all the rules and correctness so i just say what i wanted to say.
not a native english speaker. i ran into this forum by just putting "i am tired of this world" into google.
this is how i feel. i am almost 34. i see no meaning in life. my father abused me my whole life, abused everyone who was weaker than him: my mother, my sister, his siblings and whoever else i don't know. he destroyed my psyche, my whole future life. my mom was too scared or lazy or i don't know what to stand up for us or for herself. if any resistance has built up in me and started to be agressive and argued with father about anything, she just made everything possible to make me suppress it. i don't know which was worse. no real rebellion from my side ever. i hated father i loved mother so i did what she had asked of me. now i consider myself a coward. everytime action was needed i suppressed it. people thought i was flegmatic although there was always inner battle inside me. passivity almost always won. i did what i was told almost always. i have no self confidence. i am the person with the lowest self confidence i know. i have always been. well... maybe my GF is about the same level. makes sense. don't know the background of this however. i figured the background of my condition recently. the whole time before that i thought i was just an idiot. i couldn't understand why o why i was so different than others. i have been thinking and thinking hours and hours, days, years.. now i know the reason finally. not that it helped me in any way. at least i understand why. i broke contact with the gentleman who is known as my father after a recent argument and waiting for him to die. he is still the same asshole with no self reflection. a primitive. no real education, no ambition, no hobbies except from destroying people close to him. no life.
with no self confidence you can't really do anything. the worst of all - you can't make and maintain relationships. the few i have are very old childhood friends. at my job i communicate with almost nobody. they must think i am weirdo. they are right i guess. when i drink enough alcohol i become a very sociable and communicative person. this is why some ppl only want to be with me when i am drunk as i am much too boring when sober. this is why i used to consume a lot of alcohol. now i don't do that anymore.
i had a lot of dreams as a kid. these dreams are gone for a long time. the last one though still lasts. i wanted a home, a girlfriend and an easy job so i can live peacefully till the end of my days.
my dream had come true! WOW!!!

very soon i realized this is not what i want. i am not stupid. i am not satisfied with sitting in office every day waiting for the end of the shift. watching TV or playing video games my whole free time. i don't want to be a weirdo, an asocial, a mute. i want success, love. i want satisfaction. i want a purpose, a drive. i don't want to wait for death.
there is one little problem though. what should i do?? how should i do it?? all i did until now was wasting time and thinking...about myself. ok i know everything about myself. that is not a success. this is not something ppl will pay you for.
I've tried sports. fitness. my joints started to hurt. turned out my joints have been permanently damaged. i abandoned fitness. same with swimming. i fell in love with mountain biking. i spent all free time in the forest riding the trails. unfortunately i have scoliosis so my back started to hurt. each ride was full of pain. i started to exercise my back. the pain persisted. it even worsened, now i am in constant pain each day. i am used to pain, can handle that so far.
my girlfriend is not. she suffered a back injury - three herniated discs. she was hospitalized, treated, didn't help. now she is in constant pain as well. can't do anything really. she is very depressive, cries all the time. i do what i can to help her however there is nothing i can do about it. ok i can handle my pain, my misfortune, my whole destroyed life. i can't handle watching her suffering. she is such a good girl, never hurt anybody. why has happened this to her? to us? haven't we suffered enough already??
i hate happy people. fortunate people. rich and poor. there is no justice in this world. assholes live long and prosperous lives. poor bastards as ourselves just suffer more and more disasters. the world is full of stupid assholes. their biggest problem is that their neighbor has a bigger car then they do. whining about the littlest stupidest things. they waste their lives watching stupid TV shows. they have no pain. they don't feel stupid even when acting as retarded idiots all the time. they have no self confidence issues when babbling bullshit but people who are vastly superior to them are unable to open their mouths because of something that had been happening to them during their childhood. then there are the most powerful ones for whom human life means nothing. not one life but millions of lives is nothing. they do whatever they please and despite they can do whatever they want they just want more power. all they are doing their whole lifetimes is gaining power. plebs just keep on working generating money and power for them wasting lives in whatever useless activities they encounter. oh yes i am tired of this world.
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Old 07-30-16, 01:26 PM   #2
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Your Life Has Meaning

I'm 50 and often look back on my life and wonder why it unfurled the way it did. Some things make sense and some don't, but I know this: My life has meaning and yours does too.

Everyone comes here (to earth) for a reason, and everything that happens--whether wonderful or painful--happens for a reason. A good reason. Here's part of my journey.

The Wrong Path WAS The Right Path

When I was in 9th grade, my dream was to become an airline pilot. I went to college then attended flight school in the US Navy. I hadn't flown before but knew I'd learn quickly. I was wrong. Grades were everything in flight school, and the student aviators who'd eventually be assigned the fastest jets (F-14's and F-18's at the time) were getting excellent grades on their flights. My best flight grades were average, so after several difficult months, I admitted I didn't have what it took to be a fighter pilot.

I was so hurt I wanted to end my life! But I eventually realized the good that came from it.

First, I discovered flying wasn't fun. Second, though I was only in the Navy for a year, I got married before I got out and had two wonderful daughters. Third, I discovered writing. If I'd have gotten F-14's and attended Top Gun like I wanted, I'd probably be a flight instructor or a commercial airline pilot. Neither sounds appealing now. In addition, I might never have discovered my true talent, writing, which is infinitely more satisfying than flying ever was.

Takes Time

What job should you do? I have no idea. But I know it took 37 years to figure out what I should do! And I didn't figure it out: my girlfriend did. I took writing for granted, but my girlfriend told me people liked what I'd written. I'm a professional writer now, but I might not be if she hadn't told me that.

Even The Wealthy ...

Every human being has problems, and while you don't know what their problems are, I assure you they have them. I don't know anyone who's wealthy, but I know people who are doing well financially; and not only do they have problems, many of them have money problems too!

Appreciate What You Have

It's hard being thankful for your old car that barely runs, for example, when people are whizzing by you in expensive new cars; and it's difficult being thankful for the pittance you're earning when you hear about actors and athletes and CEO's making absurd amounts of money. But life isn't a competition, so be grateful for what you have. I can tell you this because I have the old car and the meager income.

I don't know what it's like seeing the person you love in pain, Parlament--you'd probably gladly accept her pain. I have no idea why the two of you are going through this, but take it a day at a time, and try to focus on what brings the two of you joy. Life is unpredictable: just because you're on this path today doesn't mean you'll always be on it.
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