Hi,
I've been struggling with Anxiety and Depression since i was at least 15.
I'm 21 now and the past few years of my life has been absolutely horrible and i don't know what to do anymore.
I lost my job, my girlfriend broke up with me, i lost 90% of my friends, i can't eat more than one meal a day, i can't sleep and if i do i'm awake during the night and sleeping during daytime. I have no motivation left inside of me to do anything.
I have a lot panic attacks and feel like im dying almost once a week. I also feel like i'm in a bad dream when im awake, i don't even know the difference between being awake and dreaming is anymore. I fear death and i feel like once i do die that i will go to hell or be stuck in a reoccurring nightmare of everything i've done wrong in my life.
The reason for all of this stress, anxiety and depression mostly is because:
I've been in mental hospital's back and forth since i was in high school because i started lie, steal and beg for attention a lot and my parents couldnt handle me anymore and didnt know what to do.
I used to be a chubby kid who had really no friends and always got picked on during middle school. Once i started High School i just lost touch with who i was. I started to make up lies to make myself fit in and look cooler and after the years went by i started to receive all the bad karma i deserved and it honestly made me want to kill myself. I've fucked over a lot of my friends and used to steal from them because my family is poor and i never knew what i was doing was a bad thing, i just did it for some reason that i couldnt help.
During highschool i felt like nobody cared about me, like i didnt exist and one day during class when we were discussing what we had done over the weekend, i told my teacher that my dad(who is in the army) had died and the whole class felt bad and wrote a huge card saying "Sorry for Your Loss" with everyone's name in it. It has a horrible thing to do, i realize i am fucking piece of shit for that and the school found out it was a lie and sent me to a mental hospital for a few months.
The reason i said that about my dad is because i've really never been around my dad much when i was growing up, my mom and my dad got divorced when i was 10 and i think it really got to me, so i basically thought he didnt exist anymore because he was always in Iraq and fighting in wars and we had moved away from him. I also was dating a very pretty girl at the time, one day i told her my father died as well as if i wanted her to feel bad for me because i felt alone, i seriously don't know why i did it and just typing this is really fucking hard right now. I understand im a horrible and disgusting worthless piece of shit because of my past but im trying to not kill myself over this.
After i finished high school(which i barely passed), i stopped being a douche bag and stopped lying and stealing as much as i used to. I did this all on my own because i knew what i had done in my past was god awful and i couldn't go on with it anymore. But once i started trying to become normal again, the past had crept back up on me and it gives me the worst anxiety ever. I am really fucking trying hard to get back to normal but i feel worthless.
I basically don't even know what im doing anymore and im sorry if this post seems a lil all over the place but i don't know how to get out what i want to say, i've always been the quiet kid. I guess i've keep everything bottled up inside and never spoke about it because i thought people would despise me.
I just need some help, guidance or even some motivational advice to keep me going.