Hey

I don't really know where to begin right now, but for the past years I was kind of in depression and now it took over. No other activities than going to work.

I'm living with my father since my mom didn't want me anymore. We don't have any bond with my father. We do talk but there is like no emotion or real understanding. I mostly just see him when it's like dinner. Every thing I do is and was not correct for them. Let's not even talk being bisexual with them.

One day I'm happy, one day not. Easily affected by people's energy I'm surrounded with. I only see black or white. Deep in my heart I know I'm a really good guy, but it's never enough. I care too much for other people. I overthink too much. I wanna be seen as a real friend. I want to be cared. I want to be remembered. I just want approval and to feel loved. No matter how many times you hurt me or how many times you fuck me over I always will forgive you.

Even if I think that I'm smart enough to not show anything, without willing I know I'm giving hints. I'm liked by everyone, but I don't feel it being real. The one who gives but never receives. The stupid boy who always smile and try to make other people happy. Tried too hard to succeed. I know the 'secret' of life is happiness, love etc. But when you don't feel it anymore what's the point? I gave and gave and the love in me finally dimmed. I had so much to live for and so much left to do, but it feels empty now. The only thing I feel now is just loneliness.

Happiness is an inside job. Looking for happiness in other people is futile, in my opinion.

i see your point,Melo..life is not only going to work and earn money,you either like a job,or you don't like it..when i was working in a coalmine there were days i really did not like it at all,other days i had a very good nightshift where i did my work in a satisfactory way towards my boss,but also to my co workers and to myself...coalmining can be a solitary task or teamwork....we all see ourselves back in your words==**one day I'm happy, one day not**== i reckon you're not liked very much by your Dad and given that daily situation it creates a feeling of not belonging,is it?very often in life i met people who give and don't get back what they contribute to others..
approval is a big word for some,feeling loved is another..did you know that only the strong can forgive,my friend?try to be more a receiver before you give anything back in return...happiness and love are true emotions..i say a light is never dimmed until we blow out the candle of life ourself...if emptiness and loneliness remain..then pull yourself out of that situation,maybe not easy..but give it a try....the word futile in my language translate as **nutteloos** which means no value,useless,not worth the attention,if we cannot find love in ourselves,we certainly cannot give it to others either..i don't think we can live in a futile world...hence my explanation....

I am kind of happy in my way, but I hate being alone and lonely. Like I want to share my love and hapiness but there is no one that appreciates it.

I'm from Belgium too :D Thanks for your reply. Well I tried so many times and so much to pull myself from this situation. I found the way so many times but I keep coming back.

I like your title lol. It's to the point

SensualGirl, I probably shouldnt have said that. It sounds a bit bitter coming from another person, and doesnt sound healthy either. So I shouldnt have said that.

No you were right. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle said people aren't necessarily supposed to make you happy, they're supposed to make you conscious. Happiness IS an inside job.

Second that.

Plus I want to add, that it's essential to surround yourself with SUPPORTING people, otherwise, those that use you, criticize you or simply neglect will put you and keep you in depression. Those are actually the ways of emotional/psychological abuse. Even if those people are your relatives, parents. Not all parents are good for their children and not all parents mean good to their children.

Try to find a way to leave, start over, alone, but without anything or anybody dragging you down the depression hole.

Lately I cut people out rather quickly and for good. My only regret, I haven't started doing it earlier, had to put up with too much sh't around me and wasted so much time. Someone is not supportive - out, criticizing me or everybody around - out, complaining all the time - out, ghastligting me, shaming me and etc - out...and it feels so good, I feel like finally I am on the right path.

I guess you are surrounded with bad people!
Some people like to take and don't give anything, but sometimes we search in a perfect friendship and that's doesn't exist..
Try to go out from the circuit of people that you know, for example try to make friends from the same interest, like gym, or a game, these kind of relationships will lost longer because there is something..