so im new to the whole "getting help" thing. i have a therapist but i just feel like it isnt enough. i only see her once a week and we only have an hr. i cant get through all my problems in an hr! so i decided to look online for just some strangers i could talk to. i started in chat rooms but i quickly found out no one is really listening or helping. so here i am in a forum just writing it all out. i sincerely hope this works.
so it all kind of started a couple of months ago. i decided to try weed with my brother for the first time. it all went wrong. i wasnt feeling anything so i kept smoking then it hit me like a brick wall and i had a rly bad panic attack. its not like i havent had panic attacks before, i have, but never like this. i was laughing but then i was watching myself laugh then i was back in my body laughing, well now more like crying and freaking out, then i was back out of my body watching myself.....you see where this is going. i kept haing these out of body experiences for what felt like forever before my brother "brought me back to earth". i was fine for a few minutes but then i started laughing again and having the out of body experience. every time i would get too out of control laughing i would "leave my body". my broth was too high to help me so i just had to control myself and wait until i was back to normal. I wasnt the same after that. nothing feels real anymore. i feel like im stuck in a dream. i feel like life is just a dream and im just waiting to wake up. i guess im just too aware now.
i have been feeling down since school started back up but having a bad trip just kinda magnified it. im just gonna say it: school sucks major ass. im currently a freshman and damn i was not ready for highschool. my school frankly did a sshit job at preparing middle schoolers for highschool. highsool is stressful as fuck and is wearing my down to a skeleton of a person. i have breakdowns all the time just because i cant do it anymore, i just cant. my mom doesnt get it, she thinks im over reacting. she hasnt been in school in years, shit has changed, what does she know. my dad is just fucking blind, he doesnt see me cry. my brother is too worried about his own problems, and shit does he have a lot. i feel like i cant talk to my friends because they go to the same school so they know. i feel like im just overreacting and just kinda suppress my feelings until i can cry alone in the shower haha how pathetic does that sound. school is just shit and i cant wait to get out. i want to take a year between highschool and college to chill out and make money. i do not come from a wealthy family that can pay for my college and i definitely dont have the grades for a scholarship. my dad is always saying to me if i keep up with my grades i can do anything i want. hes always pressuring me to do well in school. he doesnt see how much that fucks me up. my mom says i shouldnt be feeling all this bc i could have it worse. anyways enough of school onto my next problem lol.
i feel alone. i always feel alone. i feel alone whether im around people or not. i feel alone, unheard, and unimportant. i feel like i cant talk to my friends about being alone because they also feel alone all the time. i feel unhear because whatever i say doesnt matter. no one listens to me. no one cares what i have to say. i never say anything important. i hate that i have to put on a different face when im around people. i have to act all happy when really im dying inside im so sad just all the time. i hate going out, i hate being around people, mostly because i have to lie. i cry like all the time bc i feel so alone and unheard.
im screaming for someone to listen to me, to pay attention to me. i just want someone that is always there for me. i want someone i can all up and be like come over i need cuddles. like i want to be independent and all but damn i want a boyfriend. i go 2 places: home and shool. thres not a lot of places that i can meet someone. my school is extremely small and ive know most of the people since we were in kindergarten. we all just know each other too well. i used to be a super bitch to the guys just because i thought they were so dumb. im just so awkward that its hard for me to make friends in general never less guy friends. the guys in my grade are just so not what i want same for the guys in the grade above me. my brother, a junior, has been dating ada, a senior, for almost a year and they are so in love. i hate to see them togethr bc they just make me so sad lol. whenever i see them together it reminds me of how alone i am.
sometimes when im by myself for too long i start to lose my mind. i see my friends every day every week every month, literally every day at school so when im apart for too long i get depressed. god i hate using the word depressed. when i think depressed i think like severely depressed, which im not. im just a lil depressed, im just sad. anyways, if i dont see my friends i go crazy. i isolate myself even more than usual, i snap at my family, and i cry. i cry a lot. i just need my friends. sometimes i start to think that they dont actually like me. i start to doubt the friendship. ugh i hate being away from them. im on christmas break right now and ive like only been with my family for like 2 weeks so im not in a good mental state.
yesterday i had a bad melt down. im not exactly sure what it was about but damn i was not ok. i started crying bc my mom told me i was overreacting abt school which then snowballed into me feeling invalid. im at my dads house but my mom came over bc alex did some dumb shit and they were there to yell at him abt it idk. but i hate it when they yell at him bc theyre so hard on him. i mean tea hes kind of a fuck up but hes trying his best. so all the yelling really upset me and i was crying hard. i was trying to sneak out my window but it wasnt big enough and i realized i just had to go out the front door. then my mom walked in bc apparently i wasnt crying quiet enough she wnted to talk abt it blah blah blah. i was not having it so i told her i didnt want to talk and for her to go away. i then walked out my front door and left. i called my best friends and just kinda broke down. i then walked to one of my friends house and we just kinda talked. not really about anything, just talked. i was fine for most of the day until my mom came over.
i find that i get the saddest at night. like today was an ok day, i hung out with my friends for a couple hours but then when she dropped my off i was not ok. it was instant. the moment i got out of her car i felt it. i instantly felt sad. so yea i decided to go searching on the internet for help and here i am.
i didnt come here with many expectations but its kinda nice to just write it all out and lay all your shit out on the table. im not saying im better now, i still feel sad, but now i feel releaved. now im not carrying all this shit myself. im not holding this all in myself anymore which is nice. i definitely still feel sad but thats a work in progress. if someone read all that i congratulate you, it was a lot, thanks for reading. bye