I Have Nothing Left To Give.
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I Have Nothing Left To Give.

This is a discussion on I Have Nothing Left To Give. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Let me start off by saying this. i think i've officially lost my mind. i spend every day thinking about ...

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Old 01-20-12, 10:49 AM   #1
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Default I Have Nothing Left To Give.

Let me start off by saying this.
i think i've officially lost my mind. i spend every day thinking about things that i could have done better and how fucked my life has become in the past year. I've never felt so painfully hopeless. Im isolating myself for fear of judgement from other people and its hard for me to even talk to my friends anymore. I spend almost all of my time sitting outside with my dog wishing that i knew what to do to make my life more fuffilled. After loosing the person who i had acctually planned my whole life around im finding it next to impossible to even compreheand a realistic future. I think about suicide, every fucking day. and its just hard for me to wake up in the morning with the compleate realization that i am compleatly and utturly useless.
I spend 3 years of my life with someone who had a serious drinking problem, i managaed to get him to become sober and we were leading somewhat happy lives. But A bunch of shit went down, i became a coke addict and we broke up. Now not only is he drinking, but hes addicted to heroin too. I feel compleatly responsible because i didn't try harder when we were together. People constantally tell me its not my fault, but if i had been better to him, we wouldnt have broke up. Therefore he wouldnt be a mother fucking dope fiend.
And to make it all worse the society that we live in today uses people fears to make a profit. You dont want to be alone, So ou dont want to be ugly. You dont want to be ugly, get plastic surgery, if you dont want plastic surgery buy our new weight loss supplement or instant face life! Its just so fucked up, like people have just become so desensitized. I feel like im not like that, i feel like when i see a homeless guy on the street, i dont say '' Ew, Bum'' i practically welcome him into my home . I feel like i need to save everyone and since i cant i feel like such a useless faliur. Even if i could save people, even if i could change someones life i feel like i would still be alone. Like nothing makes a differance anymore. Its all so trivial.
I feel like i have given everythign that i have to give. I've given my heart my sould my fucking cash to people to help them out and in the end all it does is end up hearting them, or better yet having them want more from me. But i can honestly say i have nothing left to give. im worn out, im tierd and im fading in and out of reality. Im a shell of the pumped up little hippy that i used to be. i barley even enjoy ssmoking pot anymore.
I couldnt save Johnny, I cant even save myself.

Fuck. I have a tendencey to rant. Thanks, if you took the time to read this.
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Old 01-20-12, 11:59 AM   #2
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Oh! So Sorry! I kind of understand much of what you're saying. I'm 43 years old, I've never been married, never had kids. I sometimes wonder what is the point.

Last year I went to a psychiatrist and he told me that I have the "Doormat Syndrome". Didn't make me feel good. I think this has left me totally exhausted with life. I'm tired from effort.

It sounds like you might be going through some kind of mid life crisis thing. Have you thought about that?

I've been wondering about changing things up too. My psychiatrist actually told me to try to take Nursing or something because I like to take care of people and things. I like that idea. I feel I've spent all my life going after $$ and being successful. Which hasn't really worked out for me. Big disappointment.

Why not spend the last half of my life taking care of others? Just sounds so much more fulfilling. IDK. Just have this need to take care of others.

I do think your in the middle of a mid life crisis, though. Just an idea.
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Old 01-20-12, 12:24 PM   #3
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Well im only 19 so im not quite sure that a midlife crisis is exactally what im going through, though thank you for the imput. And i have a phobia of hospitals, but i deffinatly agree that at some point i need to get a career helping people. I just wish that i didnt feel so depserate for someone to connect with. Like me and the kid i was with, we were exatally alike. I dont really know what im left to do without him.
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Old 01-20-12, 01:48 PM   #4
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Oh Forgiveme13,you sound so caring and so sad. You really do want to make a difference and you want to do that sooo much that you feel you are not doing enough,but you are! You cannot fix somethings,no matter what you do or how hard you try. Sad,but true. I am a control freak, I hate leaving people sad, I wish the world was perfect with no pain and sadness anywhere,but I have to accept that even if I work at it everyday and every minute,there will still be millions of unhappy people all over the world,even close to me. It breaks my heart,but I am learning to accept this. I just joined TTL last month, but considering taking a break,because it seems to depress me more.

Please you cannot change everything. Your best is good enough. Take some time for yourself too and remember you are not responsible for others. We all make our choices. I really do hope that you feel better really really soon. Do try...
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Old 01-20-12, 01:58 PM   #5
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Celery, you are absolutely lovely, you're advise has defiantly made me think deeper into what i can do realistically about the things around me. If nothing else you should stay on TTL just to make people smile, cause i can say honestly you are defiantly a ray of hope on such a depressing website. I know i cant change everything, i just wish that i could save the people i care about from themselves, although im not necessarily sure if thats a plausible option. I Just want to be able to be there for people especially someone who i loved as much as i loved that kid. no matter how awful he was to me. he still omes to me begging me just to be there and hold him and take care of him but i just dont know how anymore.
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Old 01-20-12, 02:58 PM   #6
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People come back to you,because they see the difference after they leave you. Create boundaries for yourself(say 'no' when you have to and treat yourself with kindness),because YOU matter.


Thanks for the lovely things you said. You are so lovely too
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Old 09-05-17, 10:53 AM   #7
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forgiveme13 I could have nearly wrote that myself apart from the alcohol problems of your partner, but I'm a man, I hope you find your way soon
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