I did something really dumb
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I did something really dumb

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Old 08-13-15, 11:24 PM   #1
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Default I did something really dumb

Warnings ahead for slight panic, mentions of emotional abuse, theft, depression spirals, self harm, and eating disorders. It's also a fairly long amount of text. Just read with caution, I don't want to make anyone else nervous reading my accounts. Stay safe.

Hi everyone. I'm new here, I've never made an account on any type of website like this before. But I'm going a little off kilter here and I need some input or kind words or. Just anything. To not feel like I'm so alone.

You should know before hand that I'm just barely a legal adult and I've been poor my entire life. I have depression, and anxiety, as well as a few other possibilities that haven't been diagnosed (PTSD, some form of arthritis or reasoning for my joint pain, possibly PCOS or something like it). I had to drop out of school in 11th grade because I was extremely suicidal and couldn't handle day to day life. I don't yet have my GED or a job, despite looking for the job for a very very long time. My father is an emotional abuser who's been hammering me down for years and my mom is the kindest person on planet earth. Just to answer questions before they happen, it's hard to prove to police he's emotionally abusive (he's a very good liar and manipulator), no we don't have anywhere we can go (he's pretty much over time cut off all relations we had with friends, and since my grandmothers died both sides of our family have drifted apart), and yes we're dealing with it as best as we can.

I did something really dumb. I was just window shopping in a store, with the only purse I have (the only one I've had for a long while). It's big and not all that practical. But I've had it since freshman year of high school because I needed something to carry books in. Recently I put a makeshift framework in it out of cardboard boxes and painted them black so it wouldn't look so ridiculous. It was really hard to get my phone out of that black hole of a bag while it's slumped over between your feet in the car.

Long story short (at least this is what they tell me. when my anxiety gets really bad or I have bad panic attacks, I have memory blanks. I don't know why they happen and doctors are really expensive so I can't see anybody right now.) I apparently took a few items and put them in my bag. I obviously wasn't sneaky in the slightest because I was caught. I've never done anything like this before, never even thought about it or dreamed about it. I'm about as straight laced as they come. It was an overwhelming impulse I think, because it sure wasn't planned. Normally I have a jacket in my bag, but since the rains been letting off lately where I live, I didn't have it with me today. I think if I'd had stuff in my bag, this never would've happened honestly.

The police officer was very nice to me because he has a daughter with panic attacks, who also got caught shoplifting once. I wasn't resisting, I was very cooperative. He should've taken me to the holding cells but he didn't, because he knew that would make my condition worse and I was extremely cooperative given the state I was in. He told me he didn't think I was a bad person and released me to my mom since she was there too. I apparently (once again I can't quite remember) apologized profusely. I have a bottle of water I never picked up so I think they gave it to me when I was panicking.

They all acted like it was just their jobs (which of course it is) with very little emotion anger or otherwise. My mom, knowing I'm not the kind of person to ever do this, understood. My father was extremely drunk the past two days, and verbally abusive, falling everywhere, and forgetting things from 15 minutes ago. We both think that maybe the stress I've been under (my father's sudden drunkeness which I had to call the police for last night, the fact I just got over being sick with a sinus issue that left me too dizzy to get up for days, being on my period, and the general anxiety and depression I've been having a very hard time with since we can't afford my medication) all created a tipping point where I did something very stupid. I know it sounds silly to add my period in with that, but I have very bad (so far undiagnosed) pains in all my joints, especially my back and hips, and my period cramps are worryingly excruciating. My last doctor didn't do much but a blood test and tell me to loose weight. And my father falling wouldn't be such a worry, but he has extensive health issues involving his back, neck, heart, nerves, pancreas, you name it (plus severe paranoia/fantasies that seem like onset of dementia). We were terrified because he couldn't stand up straight, was very aggressive, but a fall could've hurt him badly or worse. But I digress.

So my mother isn't mad at me. I have a court date, which will likely go very uneventfully because it's my first (and l a s t) transgression of any kind, and I cooperated, and I already wrote my statement to read for the judge so hopefully he'll understand. The worst that can happen is a small fine and/or community service. All in all, I should be taking this as a learning experience and a lesson, and trying to move on and better myself.

But I can't. Ever since it's happened I've been a mess. I'm too ill to eat or drink, and my brain keeps saying horrible things to me. My mom's been trying to help, but nothing is working. I'm a total mess. I did something wrong, but logically I realize it's something I have to overcome and better myself from. I'm not upset because I got caught or in trouble. I'm feeling incredibly extensive waves of guilt, and nothing anyone can say has helped. We haven't told my dad (and we're keeping that way because of how he is towards us). And he's pretty much absolved himself of any guilt for making me depressed for anything in the past. He'll assume this is about when he was drunk, that i'm "overreacting" like i always am (despite the worrying states I end up in).

I'm not even just crying. My whole heart feels like some sort of weight, a black hole trying to suck me in entirely. I don't feel like I deserve anything at all, even if I already had it. I feel like a horrible person, on top of the self issues I already had. Like, I feel like i don't deserve the clothes on my back. I've never done anything like this before. And my depression and anxiety are pounding on me and they refuse to stop. I don't have any medication right now and I can't afford any (I was taking Cymbalta if anyone is curious). I'm really really scared because I'm a survivor of self harm, anorexia, and bulimia and I'm so so so scared that I'm going to relapse. All my brain can say is that I deserve what I'm doing to myself and if I didn't want to feel this way I shouldn't have done it. But because I can't remember what happened, I can't make sense of it. I don't know why I did it. I can't apply any reasoning to the situation. I don't have any medicines to calm me down or make me able to sit up and deal with the world.

My mom told me about when she was younger, she stole some shower curtain things due to complicated circumstances, and had to go through what I'm going through now. But she didn't have the depression and anxiety. She's helping me as best as she can, but I feel myself spiraling. I'm not the kind of person that can go to sleep and feel better the next morning.

What can I do? I don't have any money. I can't see any doctors. If I relapse, or if I can't make myself eat, or if I can't calm down enough to live properly in a few days can I go to the hospital? Has anyone else had any situation like this? I can't handle all this guilt and fear and self hatred that my depression is dumping on me. I'm not expecting anyone to sympathize with what I did (it was stupid stuff like shampoo, conditioner, soap, a cheap pair of flats, ect and I know what I did was wrong). Does anyone have any coping techniques that can help me through til I can see someone? The court date isn't for another month plus a week and I don't know when/if I can see a doctor, or when I can get my medication back. Thank you for any help you can offer. I don't want to become self destructive again, it's only going to make the situation worse, and harder on my mom. Thank you in advance.

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Old 08-14-15, 05:28 AM   #2
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I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. My father is emotional abuser too (well, he used to be physical too), so I know how dirficult it is. Especialy when he's drunk.

Mow, those things you 'stole'. I personqlly think you shouldn't worry about it so much. Like you said, it happens. It doesn't make you bad persoj or anything. Despite what you fell, you're good person. You deserve to be happy. Coping mechanisms? Different people have different mechanisms. And what worked for me mqyb won't work for you. I used to draw how I feel, when I was depressed. Something about putting things on paper helped. Or go out for a walk. Don't know really. None of these helped every time, but there is fairs share amount of times it helped me.
Most people fail in life not because they aim too high and miss, but because they aim too low and hit.
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Old 08-14-15, 02:21 PM   #3
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You say you don't expect anyone to symphatize. Trust me, it's always worse in your head than in reality.

Last spring I called someone a narcissistic horrible prick on Facebook, and about like 40 of his friends scolded me over it. He finally blocked me and reported me to university authorities. I felt terrible over the summer, but when I finally saw my friends again, no one seemed to care. Both me and the guy were teaching IT, and I expected that I'd never be hired again. But they asked me to teach again.

Finally the university reported they will take no action over it, and that they think I had been inconsiderate. But that was it. Well, that guy probably hates me forever but no one else seems to care. I felt like everyone would think I am a horrible monster but that does not seem to be true.

Well, that's my situation. It will get better. Just remember: People are more concerned what you think about them, than they ever care to judge you.
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anxiety, coping, depression, guilt, self destructive acts

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