Writing things down has always been enough for me. for years, whenever i felt left out, depressed or even suicidal, i would just write down my feelings on my journal and i would be okay.
but not this time
this time i realised i need someone to talk to, anyone. i did try to talk to my friends about how i'm feeling but turned out they don't get it.
people see me as a very strong, independent young woman. heck they even think I'm too independent they got intimidated. entering uni life, people actually scared to talk to me, not because i'm not nice to them but because they think i'm too superior, esp as a girl (trust me they do, they told me about this)
little did they know that all of this has been an act
every time i go home, i cry. i let out all of the sadness the day has brought me: like if someone said something harsh, or if someone hurt my feelings
or when someone broke up with me. yeah, maybe this is all about.
months passed and i still can't get over it. now my mask is fading away. i broke down few times in classes and lectures, and now it's getting more frequent.
it'd be normal right, to actually expect people to support me? especially my closest ones?
but they didn't.
instead, they mock me for crying, for being sad, being upset, for falling down. idk, maybe they think i shouldn't be capable of feeling sad
and now my thoughts are coming back to me faster than i can runaway from it. and i have no one.
i decided to tell my mom that i need help. same response. "oh honey you're okay, you're always okay. you don't need help. you didn't the last time I'm sure you're gonna be okay this time"
but her face said it all: she's afraid of me losing it, she's just in denial
so i decided to talk to my ex about it.
and if i'm actually gone, i would have my reasons why