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This is a discussion on i can't. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Writing things down has always been enough for me. for years, whenever i felt left out, depressed or even suicidal, ...

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Old 05-11-16, 08:58 AM   #1
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Writing things down has always been enough for me. for years, whenever i felt left out, depressed or even suicidal, i would just write down my feelings on my journal and i would be okay.
but not this time
this time i realised i need someone to talk to, anyone. i did try to talk to my friends about how i'm feeling but turned out they don't get it.
people see me as a very strong, independent young woman. heck they even think I'm too independent they got intimidated. entering uni life, people actually scared to talk to me, not because i'm not nice to them but because they think i'm too superior, esp as a girl (trust me they do, they told me about this)
little did they know that all of this has been an act
every time i go home, i cry. i let out all of the sadness the day has brought me: like if someone said something harsh, or if someone hurt my feelings

or when someone broke up with me. yeah, maybe this is all about.

months passed and i still can't get over it. now my mask is fading away. i broke down few times in classes and lectures, and now it's getting more frequent.

it'd be normal right, to actually expect people to support me? especially my closest ones?
but they didn't.
instead, they mock me for crying, for being sad, being upset, for falling down. idk, maybe they think i shouldn't be capable of feeling sad

and now my thoughts are coming back to me faster than i can runaway from it. and i have no one.
i decided to tell my mom that i need help. same response. "oh honey you're okay, you're always okay. you don't need help. you didn't the last time I'm sure you're gonna be okay this time"
but her face said it all: she's afraid of me losing it, she's just in denial

friends: crossed
family: crossed

so i decided to talk to my ex about it.



and if i'm actually gone, i would have my reasons why
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Old 05-11-16, 08:48 PM   #2
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Hello there. It is hard when people see us the way they want to see us and not the way we feel inside. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need during this right time. That can make our painful feelings feel even worse.

You have this resilience for keeping on reaching out that is remarkable. Sure that's a sign of strength but how many of us can keep strong when we get so tired of holding up a mask to alleviate others' discomfort.

How about its okay to respect how you're feeling? And it's okay to say you need to rest and let others take care of you for awhile?

I'm glad you exist. You deserve a rest. It's okay to feel scared about your future. It's okay to ask others for guidance and support.

Please know you have the right to focus on taking care of yourself. Please don't push yourself too much during a time of feeling fragile. You can rest and gather strength for the next leg of your journey. I believe in your ability to get back up when it's right for you.
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