I currently feel as if the main cause for my depression is my depression itself (I do sightly feel stupid calling it 'depression' because compared to what other people experience this is probably nothing). What I mean by this, is that I am an extremely negative person. I have always been like this, for as long as I can remember I have always felt that other people are better than me, I remember when i was 9 or so saying something like "The only thing I'm good at is being rubbish at everything" or something similarly stupid. So there is a cause to my negativity. However I absolutely HATE being a 'negative' or 'quiet' person. When someone jokingly mentions how quiet I am they are pretty much saying "You are what you hate, you are a failure". So being 'depressed' is sort of part of my character, and it is really holding me back in life. I REALLY want a girlfriend, just someone who actually cares about me that I can talk about too, but obviously no girl wants to be with a miserable, negative person such as myself. I'm not that bad looking but I guess I'm seen as unattractive because of this. I look around at people my age and I am the ONLY unhappy person. People seem to think I'm a bad/weak person because of how I am. The stereotype of 'depressed teenager' seems to only apply to me, and no one is understanding or caring.
So, going back to my initial question, how do I pretend to be happy? I think what I need to do is make myself feel like a normal person, instead of being trapped in this pit of bitterness and failure that is getting deeper and deeper. Maybe if I can pretend to be confident I can get more friends, maybe even a girlfriend, and this will solve everything? I have always resented the need for people to become part of society to feel safe and happy, but maybe that is just my loneliness talking? I have this constant feeling that my 'depression' is just some stupid thing I have made up for myself (particularly going through the threads on here) so I don't have to face the fact that I am an extremely lazy, socially inept person. I don't know. I'm getting really pissed of with myself and how I am. Thoughts?
P.S. There is quite a bit else I would like to talk about but I thought I should keep this relatively focused.