Horrible Anxiety. Depression. Zero friends. Temperamental dad.
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Horrible Anxiety. Depression. Zero friends. Temperamental dad.

This is a discussion on Horrible Anxiety. Depression. Zero friends. Temperamental dad. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I want to start this out by saying that my dad is not an evil man and that he's never ...

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Old 04-23-16, 09:38 PM   #1
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Default Horrible Anxiety. Depression. Zero friends. Temperamental dad.

I want to start this out by saying that my dad is not an evil man and that he's never physically harmed me in any way.

Unfortunately, my dad has depression, but he also has a BAD temper at times. He will get this horrible look in his eye and I know there is no getting through to him. He yells, curses badly, and breaks things (including a computer monitor, speakers, etc etc...)...when he's really angry, he threatens to kill himself sometimes in order to evoke a reaction out of us.

It isn't an every day occurrence. But within the past 6 months, he's had two "episodes" as I call them. He got mad over something or the other, threw a fit, and all heck breaks lose. If my mom tries to talk to him, he gets loud and yells at her. I am the only one who talks back. I do NOT tolerate him yelling at my mom, so I step in, and therefore I am known as the "mouthy one"...and he then gets mad at me.

After the fight, he will usually apologize and promise not to do it again...but it still happens sometimes...he always says how he is depressed, etc etc...but the thing is...I AM TOO. I am depressed. I am sad and hurt, but when I get angry I don't react like that. I know everyone is different, but he goes totally overboard...as a result, it causes me a ton of anxiety. Whenever I hear loud voices my heart sinks and I run out to make sure he isn't yelling at my mom or something. When there's a loud sound, I feel panicked.

I have so much anxiety right now that I feel sick to my stomach. I am stressed out and in tears. I usually just stay in my room all day. Aside from my sister and mom, I have NO friends and I cannot confide in anyone (such as my grandma) because if word gets back to him, I would never hear the end of it.

Sometimes I want to escape and live with my grandma, if she would let me, but I am not going to leave my mom and sister to deal with his temper. I just am so lost and feel so hopeless right now. I am tired of keeping everything to myself. I have no one. Having seen how he acts, and other married couples I have known, I have sworn off ever getting married. I never want to risk being in this situation. I am 22 and I have never been in a relationship of any kind. I won't.

I just have no idea what to do. Most people my age have dreams of getting married, having families of their own, etc. But I don't at all! I am trying to figure out my place in this world. The only thing I am good at is art and writing.
I am so lonely it hurts. No one knows how depressed I am. My sister is starting to become depressed too, and that just kills me to see. I don't have enough money to buy my own place. I just can't afford it.

Some days, my dad is the nicest guy in the world. He has a good heart, spoils us, etc...but sometimes...I don't even know...I don't know who he is when he is like that.

So...yeah...this post was a mess. I just feel like I can't relate to anyone at all. I see other people living around me but sometimes I feel like I'm dying...I feel like I'm a ghost. It hurts so much because I really used to be an upbeat, happy person. Always laughing...making other people laugh...etc...but now? I don't even know who I am. I am a Christian so I believe in Heaven...and right now, that's the only thing I really look forward to. I just wish I didn't have only that to look forward to.

I have a few online friends...but I don't want to burden them with my problems. So here I am. :(

Last edited by hobbit22; 04-23-16 at 09:43 PM.
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Old 04-24-16, 06:26 AM   #2
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Hey there I know what its like to live with an aggressive parent who wrecks your nerves, though luckily you don't get physically abused. Your dad is a grown man and from what ails him God only knows. He is bound by his own mind and like a child he throws tantrums out of desperation and confusion. You must take pity but not mind of such a person. His twisted psychology has probably resulted in most of the trust issues which you have today. He will likely take these demons to the next life with him, but you don't have to have to take yours.

So enough about your father, he isn't the one who is seeking help. But you are, aren't you? I read your post from November and it seems like your chained down to a very scared and lonely world. What you need is what I need, a warm human connection. I enjoy your username, you realize Frodo wouldn't have gotten very far if not for Sam. While I may not live up to the status of Samwise the brave, I could be a friend to confide in if you're looking for such a thing. There's a little Sam in all of us, isn't there? But let's take a step back. How can we alter this perspective of yours for the better, can you drop your guard and be vulnerable in a world which has taught you that doing so is a fools death wish? Well it isn't, it's the only way out of this mental prison which you're hiding in.

My life has likely been several shades dimmer than yours, not to discredit your pain. What I need is a single person to make me feel needed. So if I could help you, I would be helping myself too. So take this message as both me helping and me asking for help. You've never had a boyfriend, I've never had a girlfriend. You don't know whose looking back at you in the mirror, neither do I. My name is David and I'm 26. Below I'll paste a poem and a video, take them as part of my application to be your friend.

I frolic in the fields of fiction,
Since the real world isn't my ideal depiction.
Sweep me away to a far off land,
Let me embrace an elf maidens shimmering hand.

Have dragons fall before my sword,
Make armies bow before my horde.
Allow me to chase down my shadow to the end of the earth,
So I can know what I am truly worth.

May I gain my wizards staff,
Where I will conjure up whimsical spells so all can laugh.
Watch me run my finger down my axe,
Making those who oppose me know it is no time to relax.

Tom Bombadil and I can joyfully sing,
After I give him the one ring.
I want to soar on the wings of an eagle,
That way I wouldn't have to be guided by Smeagol.

Move me at the speed of light,
Embracing distant love will now be an easy plight.
Give me a boat to travel the mighty sea,
Don't have the captain be bound by a hefty fee.

Me and a dwarf can have a drink,
As I give the nearby pretty ladies a welcoming wink.
While I'm crossing a bridge I can meet a troll,
Eluding his trickery I will retain my soul.

All these things and more I wish could take place,
However it is realities limitations that I must face.
Thankfully I am blessed with an imaginative mind,
So the realm of fantasy isn't too hard to find.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sso4h7Gr3Pc
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Old 04-24-16, 01:18 PM   #3
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Let me just clarify that when I said not to take mind of your father that I didn't mean to ignore when he yells at your mom, but simply not to dwell on his actions. Also if I didn't make it clear the poem was written by me.
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Old 04-24-16, 05:38 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somethingwitty View Post
Let me just clarify that when I said not to take mind of your father that I didn't mean to ignore when he yells at your mom, but simply not to dwell on his actions. Also if I didn't make it clear the poem was written by me.

Hi David,
thank you so so much. Your post was the first thing that I read today and it honestly gave me the courage and hope. I am deeply touched by everything that you wrote.

I am so very sorry that you are in a familiar, yet worse situation. :( I want to offer you my friendship as well. I would be honored to be your friend. I believe that we could help one another out; we sound a bit in the same boat. So I would love to be the Frodo to your Sam, so to speak.

The poem was lovely as was the video :) today I feel in a better place mentally and emotionally. I hope that I can prove to be a good friend to you
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Old 04-24-16, 10:38 PM   #5
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Okay pretty awesome, I was afraid that the message went a bit too far and bordered the spectrum of all things creepy. Glad to see that such wasn't the case. Yeah I could totally use a depressed and geeky female friend to talk to (as I can relate), I've been way too isolated this last decade and as of late its been proving too much to bear. So I am looking forward to this interaction, God knows I need someone to pull at what heart strings I have left. Not saying this will be romantic or anything, most of my conversations are rather PG rated but I'm open to almost anything if we vibe. We can hopefully help navigate each other through these maze of feelings and unravel what lies between us and our cores. By the way, what's your name?
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Old 04-25-16, 12:35 AM   #6
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No, don't worry. It wasn't creepy, I thought it was very nice.

Isolation is a terrible thing. :( It's just not fun at all...everyone needs someone to confide in or at least talk to. I mean...sure, I like my alone time...I'm sorta introverted...but really, I know I would be happier with having more people around. People that care, that is.

Oh yeah, my conversations are the same way. I'm kind of a kid at heart I think. :)

Oh, I suppose that is important isn't it? My name is Jackie.
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