Am I depressed or low in mood or stressed?
I think I have felt like this for 5 years, could be more.
I met my father when I was 14/15 (I am now almost 23). I didnít see him many times. It was always me putting in the effort. In the end, I told him I want nothing to do with him because it hurt me to think that he didnít want to know. But it has not made any difference in how I feel.
It is worse during December to February (Christmas and my birthday). Every card that comes through that letter box, I am secretly hoping it's from him. The disappointment hits me hard. But I hate him. Why do I want him to contact me? I am like it throughout the year too. When I actually have time to think about myself and my own problems, I break down. But to pick myself up, I always think how bad other's lives are. How other's have it a lot worse off than myself. How I should appreciate my life how it is. And then I feel selfish.
I cry uncontrollably, I feel sad, I feel irritated a lot of the time, I can be horrible and short with my family and friends, I feel empty, I have regular headaches, I get chest pains when I feel stressed. I like being alone.
Sometimes I blame him, sometimes I blame myself.
I turned to a bottle of spirit when I was younger to try and push the feelings away.
I have gone on with life, trying to push all the feelings to the back of my head. But I hate the person I have become. I have not told anyone. I thought that the feelings would go away by trying to forget, trying to keep myself occupied. Sometimes I think if my life is worth living. I have had self harm thoughts in the past but I will never go as far as doing it.
I have also had two close friends who committed suicide, close family members pass away. I think it has all got on top of me. Too much for me to keep it shut away.
I want these feelings of darkness and sadness to go away. I donít want to get irritated with my family and friends for absolute no reason. I am fed up with crying. I have tried so hard to overcome these feelings. I feel alone. I have not told a soul how I really feel.
Should I go to see my GP?
What will the doctor say to me?
What will they do to help?
I am new to this but thought talking to a stranger may help.