Guidance needed for an ex who is struggling
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Guidance needed for an ex who is struggling

This is a discussion on Guidance needed for an ex who is struggling within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Sorry if I have not done this right first of all, this is my first post! Around 2 months ago, ...

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Old 10-06-17, 08:53 AM   #1
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Unhappy Guidance needed for an ex who is struggling

Sorry if I have not done this right first of all, this is my first post!
Around 2 months ago, my other half of almost two years ended our otherwise loving and positive relationship due to his own mental health struggles. Ever since I have been at a bit of a lost with accepting it, figuring out how to help him and how to help myself through it as I am simply not happy and would do anything to have him back and support him as a team. We did not end due to any other reason than that, which obviously makes it not a regular break up (if there even is one). I have read some other posts and have seen so many similarities with my own situation. I am hitting a horrible low in my own life and due to start counselling soon. Anyone who would be able to provide some advice on how to cope with losing the person you thought you would spend their rest of your life with and continuing whilst the person you love is struggling, would be so very appreciated. X
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Old 10-06-17, 09:31 AM   #2
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Hi and welcome

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's difficult to accept a break-up when there are particular reasons, and perhaps less so when there is no apparent reason except something within the mind.

Mental health is unique to us all (despite similarities to other cases), so I guess you may have more insight as to where his thoughts were or are. What I can say is that at times we might arrive to a point where we feel the need to change something suddenly, with or without knowing why ourselves. For myself I need time alone and also time with my partner and if possible the few that I do care to be around, but my partner doesn't understand the times I want to be by myself.

I wonder how your relationship is with him now. Do you talk and keep in touch? Does he mention other things going on in his life? Knowing where you are at the moment might help to advise a touch better.

Here should I hope be a place you can share as much or little detail as you like and anonymously.

Depending how you both are, a simple "I hope you are ok" or "I'm here if you need to talk" without pressure. Talk about yourselves as a couple may not be the right way for now, but he will understand the confidence that is there and hopefully trust in you.

For yourself, it is difficult to lose somebody like this. But as per your post, if you are to move on or not, you need to come to terms with where you lie with his continuation of all - this much is evident from your post. You will not feel better until you understand more about where your loss of him or his well-being lies. You are in the area of analyzing all I guess, so I hope sharing might help you here.

Welcome again, you will find support in your endeavors here
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Old 10-06-17, 09:58 AM   #3
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Hi Andino, firstly thank you so much for your reply and that it was so speedy :)

I think because I am still very much grieving what I have lost, it is hard to fully focus on the next step of healing and working on ourselves for the better. Frustratingly I go between knowing and understanding why he believes it is the best decision and complete heart ache and insecurities over the promises we made to each other. We had been through a lot together in relation to how he struggled mentally but he would always say to not give up on him and he would never end what we had no matter what. I still very much believe he meant it all but obviously it is so conflicting in my head and heart.

We are still in touch, there has only been a handful of days where we have not spoken since the break up. He has said it hurts too much to see me and any emotional topic he backs away from. He expressed that he still wants me in his life and that he has every want for us to be together again after he has "sorted out his head" but feels guilty for me waiting and wishes me to move on (but doesn't at the same time).

He has been on medication for the past 4 or so years but I believe this is only to help for OCD like ticks. Now it is very clear that he has a span of struggles within the mind. Regularly expressing how he does not want to get out of bed, no motivation and out bursts of anger and not truly understanding why. I am still in close contact with his family who are devastated too and know that he is still very low, not seeking any help and further relationships breaking down around him.

Constantly being told to focus and look after myself but figuring out how to when I would so happily give anything to help him is very difficult. Knowing that the thing that would make me happy is out of reach is playing havoc with my mind also.

Thank you so much already, it is very much appreciated. At least on here you can't tell if you're boring people with blabbering on! Lol :)
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Old 10-06-17, 10:39 AM   #4
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Hi neev,

You understand well a lot of what is going on, but it is difficult to be a spectator because in general the end is that he will need to want to help himself for this to change.

To me - and note carefully I am just a human being, not a trained pro in any sense, I suffer from my own mental health issues - it sounds like there are other issues for him than just OCD. If he's on medications for four years does he also have check ups with a psychologist or psychiatrist to know where he is with all? You said he's not seeking help but to be on medications and not be checked regularly might be a touch dangerous in itself.

Sometimes there is a simple solution: we need the right person to talk to. I cannot talk to any psychologist nor my partner whom I feel is impossible to understand me, but my psychiatrist and a few specially selected friends (no family) do know what is going on with me. A "correct" person or activity can make all the difference, but knowing what is another question.

People that tell you to focus and look after yourself, well, they have one part of you at interest but not the whole. Your mind is as important as the rest of you, and your healing must take its own time. Still, it may turn out you do need to leave him to move on, but I'm sure you are helping a lot with his family.

My guess (again, not professional) is to try to find what is missing for him. Don't take this the wrong way, but at the moment it is not you. Work, study, hobbies, whatever. If it's been a while without professional check ups, ask him to do that. Or if he's not going to push you away for doing so, ask him what he's looking for in his life, is there anything you can do to help(?), and if he says no, then maybe it will be time to leave him to find his own path.

I would guess it's hard to watch someone descending in their own darkness, but understand it can be much harder being the one with these things in the head, I know it well.

You are doing so much for somebody when you are not required to. That takes courage and conviction. You are a brave soul and the guilt he says he feels is genuine for putting you through this.

Blabbering? Not everyone will read all, but everyone deserves someone to listen to them.
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Do not listen to a word I say
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The only way to gain approval
Is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me
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